#halztead

she'd met up with will for lunch - it wasn't even their first time doing so, but it was the first time she heard this family secret of theirs. jason halstead, that was jay's full name. and he never told her, to be honest ... she doesn't know if anyone in their unit besides olinsky knew. so you might be able to imagine the look on her face when her boyfriend comes home to his apartment, the one she's staying at most of the time. really, she prefers it over her own. it wasn't much bigger, but it had him, and somehow that was a must have.

crossing her arms over her chest, brow raised when he comes in, but before he can duck to give her the usual kiss - she stops him, holds a hand out to greet him, as if it was the first time they meet. "hi - i'm kimberly burgess, what's your name?"

i can't kiss ye directly on the mouth but this is the next best thing (POSITIVITY MEME, ALWAYS ACCEPTING!)

so here's the craic, right? @halztead and i have been mutuals for a good while now across a multitude of blogs, each one being as dazzling and original and excellent as the one before it, and one thing has always been a constant alongside mal's general brilliance as an outstanding human being and a fantastic friend: the writing is actually insane. it defies comprehension. it's just so GOOD!

like listen, just to clarify, i watched the first episode of this series, right? couldn't finish it. my bisexual ass was seated for erin and jay, but i couldn't hack another character. like maybe he turns out okay but i doubt it somehow, the writing of the pilot kinda made it seem like this was a praise-worthy quality of the character? mm-mm. but now it's okay, because mal is writing jay and i just know it's on a level that would far exceed the original series. as with all of mal's frankly MIND BLOWING muses, there's a familiarity that just feels like you're watching everything play out on screen. every single thread mal touches is so fun and entertaining to read, and they bring a beautiful compassion and quality to all the things they write, like you might be thinking "what about sitting on the sofa?" and i'll tell you with great certainty that i've shed tears over threads in which mal's muses have just sat on the sofa and thought about things.

𝄞   ࿐   ♬ˎˊ˗   𝖘𝖙𝖆𝖗𝖙𝖊𝖗 𝖈𝖆𝖑𝖑.   (   accepting!   )   | | |   ⤷   :   @halztead   +   ellie

❝    i  don't  know  you  just  got  that  .  .  .   ❞   ellie's  hand  waved  over  his  outfit.  ❝    look  about  you,  you  know?  seen  shit,  done  shit.   i  mean,  hey,  no  judgment  it's  just  in  the  eyes.   ❞

jay halstead ... had been an actual mother hen for a few months now. she'd say insufferable - except he was absolutely, soul crushingly adorable while he did it. he had cooked for her, he walked baby ( about twenty steps ) without her, of course their senior dog refused to go anywhere without his whole family together. but now he was asleep, it looks like a peaceful one this time. not like the claws of a breath stealing nightmare are lurking to disturb him, and they better not be. she's watching, and she will get you.

but then something happens - it wasn't kim's first time, but jay hadn't felt their daughter kick yet. so she gently attempts at waking him up by kissing his cheek. "jay? jay? the baby's kicking," and their little girl was going at it right now. although, kim doesn't know if it's a kick or a very strong punch. but with jay and his speed at running after criminals? their girl is probably preparing for the police academy with her little legs right now. taking his hand and placing on her stomach while she waits for him to register what's happening.

(  !!  )  INCOMING   /   @halztead   /   10:08  PM   ﹍   what  would  you  do  if  i  texted  "  i'm  outside  "  +  actually  was  ?

OUTGOING   /   BABY   /   10:15  PM   ﹍   are  you  outside  ? OUTGOING   /   BABY   /   10:17  PM   ﹍   jay  ?? OUTGOING   /   BABY   /   10:19  PM   ﹍  JAY  ARE  YOU  OUTSIDE  ???? OUTGOING   /   BABY   /   10:20  PM   ﹍   i'm  getting  up  right  now  to  let  you  in.  please  be  here.

what  haunted  him  more;  the  carnage  or  the  destruction  ?  the  bodies  buried  in  blood  stained  rubble  or  the  limbs  poking  through  stone,  pointing  toward  the  sky  like  they  were  crying  out  to  be  saved  ?  the  sense  that  things  wouldn't  feel  safe  for  days  after  the  dust  had  settled  ?  he'd  seen  it  all  before  +  he'd  gotten  so  good  at  pretending  that  it  all  came  crashing  to  the  floor  when  he  hung  his  jacket  up,  just  another  part  of  the  job  that  he  didn't  have  to  cross  the  threshold  with.  +  he  almost  believed  himself,  really,  but  it  never  quite  made  it  that  far.  he'd  come  home  wearing  the  weight  like  a  cloak,  using  it  to  hide  how  disconnected  he  felt  from  reality  until  he'd  shaken  enough  of  it  off  to  feel  human  again.  to  be  someone  again.

HE  struggled  FAILED  TO  DO  THAT  BEFORE  JAY  GOT  HOME.

the  aftermath  of  a  7.5  magnitude  earthquake  laid  all  over  their  house.  happy  pictures  missing  their  frames  were  haphazardly  strewn  along  the  floor,  shattered  glass  collected  dust  in  piles  under  the  couch  +  in  the  corners  of  rooms,  cabinet  doors  swung  open  to  reveal  the  nothing  that  now  lived  within  them,  furniture  toppled  over  itself  as  if  someone  was  looking  for  something  +  had  run  out  of  places  to  search  ──  it  was  unsettling.  almost  like  they'd  been  robbed  yet  nothing  +  everything  had  been  taken  at  once.  he'd  normally  have  half  the  house  picked  up  by  the  time  he  heard  his  husband's  truck  pull  into  the  driveway,  start  yelling  for  him  to  go  take  a  shower  while  they  still  had  hot  water  before  he  even  had  a  chance  to  offer  to  help,  but  the  door  opened  +  ...  nothing.

everything  stood  where  it  had  when  he  got  home  two  hours  prior.  concrete  dust  stained  hands  pulled  at  the  hem  of  his  navy  blue  LAFD  quarter  zip  in  a  way  that  said  he  was  stuck,  unable  to  break  free  from  the  hell  inside  his  mind.  jay  knew.  he  watched  it  all  unfold  on  scene  +  did  his  best  to  comfort  within  the  bounds  of  professionalism,  but  it  didn't  even  make  a  dent  in  buck's  state  of  mind.  it  was  like  an  annoyingly  dull  background  noise  that  hummed  in  his  ears  when  the  ringing  quieted  for  a  few  seconds.  there  but  not  something  he  could  hold  on  to  or  even  reach  for  because  he'd  forgotten  how.

all  that  kept  replaying  in  his  head  were  the  final  moments  of  a  dying  father.  how  desperate  he  was  to  get  the  last  i  love  you  to  his  family  before  the  blood  loss  took  him  ──  the  confessional  like  video  that  was  burning  a  hole  through  his  phone.  the  one  he  hadn't  had  the  heart  to  delete,  not  yet.  even  though  the  family  had  both  seen  +  been  sent  it  ...  he  still  felt  like  he  had  an  obligation  to  keep  it  alive.  keep  him  alive.  it  was  his  last  minutes.  they  were  on  his  phone.  that  meant  something.  he'd  convinced  himself  of  it  long  before  he  got  settled  +  had  further  grounded  himself  in  that  idea  by  the  time  he  felt  the  fabric  of  the  couch  shift  under  jay's  weight.

@halztead  said  ❛ tell  me  what  you  see  when  you  look  at  yourself. ❜

a  hero.  a  husband.  a  friend.  a  firefighter.  NOTHING.  the  quiet  truth  settled  into  his  stomach  until  it  was  in  knots  +  he  was  silently  begging  to  throw  up  the  emptiness  inside.  ❛  noth  ──  ❜  he  couldn't  say  that,  though.  he  wasn't  ready  to  have  that  conversation  so  he  figured  it  was  best  for  everyone  if  he  tried  again.  ❛  i  don't  ...  ❜  but  he  couldn't  bring  himself  to  say  that  either.  if  he  were  being  honest  with  himself,  +  he'd  done  his  best  to  do  so  all  day,  he  wasn't  ready  to  answer  jay's  question  at  all.  not  because  he  didn't  have  an  answer,  but  because  the  answer  he  had  made  him  uncomfortable.  he  knew  that  was  the  point  ──  jay  wouldn't  ask  him  anything  that  wasn't  meant  to  get  him  out  of  his  head.  reassure  him  even  when  he  didn't  think  he  needed  it.  somewhere  he  knew  he  should  answer,  but  he  fought  it  down  with  a  hard  swallow.  another  time  then.  ❛  if  he  would've  just  reached  for  my  hand  ...  ❜

the movie is rolling on the tv. the popcorn and candy is in bowls, ready to be devoured and enjoyed. blanket is tucked up to her chin so she can hide behind it, if it gets too scary. movie night is happening. except someone, not her by the way, is pretty much glued to their phone and barely paying attention to the movie, and she is only doing the right thing, when taking a handful of popcorn and tossing at his head, watching it bounce off him in various directions. " do you need phone jail ? "