#halfie problems

Projecting my fear that nobody outside my close friends and family likes me and maybe even hates me, for the way I was born

I’m scared to voice an opinion or be open about who I am. It’s like constantly walking on eggshells. Heck, I’m scared of doing most anything because microaggressions, nobody forgives mistakes anymore, or forgets them. “Sorry isn’t enough” is a tenet I live my life by and I don’t ever really know whether people are honestly okay with me or just saying that

Ultimately I realized, I’m acting like, I have the same problem they have. And I don’t, it’s all in my head, it’s all my dumb little white cis hetero fee-fees

...well, I’m not just white, I’m half mexican from my mom’s side, but nobody cares about that, especially when I can’t speak or understand Spanish.

I’ve tried to talk to my mom and sister about it but they both say “why do you care so much?” and don’t take it seriously

obviously I can’t talk to my dad about it because that’d straight up be saying “hey I hate you for being born the way you are because now I’ve been born the way I am”

so I’ve learned to hide how I really feel, and play along sometimes this means saying hurtful things about my dad and his family sometimes this means keeping my mouth shut when hurtful things are said sometimes this means, hey, let my cousins joke about how I’m not really mexican or whatever usually, it means I don’t feel like I belong anywhere, and I’m just pretending

but basically I guess, it’s me being a whiny baby because I just??? would rather people not care about race or sexuality or gender at all, nobody deserves abuse or hate or special treatment or recognition for how they were born. And that line of thinking wrong in itself, or at least that’s what the world says.

This post is suicide. Why do I keep writing it...

I just want to enjoy stuff in peace  I’d give anything to not be half, to just be mexican, to be not cis, to be bi or something. anything It’d give me peace of mind that I wasn’t terrible for existing I hate hating myself for things I can’t change I’d never wish normalcy(?) on anyone

It’s like. I’d rather be beaten and hated and be in the moral right than live a relatively peaceful and good life but be 100% wrong and deserve to die all the time, like the trash I am

my mom’s right, I guess, when she says it seems like I hate white people. I mean...I don’t. I just don’t like being in the oppressive majority, and not by my choice. So I try and not look like I am but I can’t escape it 

I say live and let live. but that’s wrong the backlash is deserved

my goal in life is to not be a burden and to never hurt anyone

It’s okay it’s okay it’s okay it’s okay

everything’s okay

it’s always been okay

maybe someone else on tumblr can relate to being someone who is half. being half asian half white, I’ve always felt like I need to live up to this standard of being beautiful because people around me/media have always said “oh half asian people are so beautiful. so exotic. so unique” and I feel like I don’t really fit that standard. And even though I’m incredibly grateful to have two different cultural backgrounds, I’ve never felt like I truly belong anywhere. Sorry this probably sounds like a really narcissistic, annoying, ‘first world problem post, but I just wanted to write it out because it’s been kind of bugging me lately.