#gwit

     you love him, you do.

     You were 15 years old when you realized you were in love.

     1991

     You were sitting on your bed, paper and pens and pencils spread all over. You were seriously stressed out. Your freshman year was coming to a close and finals were starting next week and you had no idea what you were doing. 

     It was a Saturday, you should be hanging out with the losers but your dad had told you if you didn’t get good grades on these finals, you wouldn’t be able to hang out with them at all over the summer.

     You checked your bedroom clock, it was only 2pm. Your dad wanted you to study until at least 4pm. This was exhausting. 

     There was a sudden tapping on your window making you turn your attention to that. There was Eddie Kaspbrak. Thank god your room was on the first floor. He definitely wouldn’t have been able to get up if it was on the second.

     You raised an eyebrow at him as he waved through the window. You laughed at his big grin as you made your way over to open it.

     “Hey! Can I come in?” He asked, looking up at you.

     “Eds, you know my dad wants me to study.”

     “Yeah, well, I can be your study buddy! We have some of the same classes, I can help.”

     You debated it for a few seconds before finally taking the screen off and letting him in. 

     He climbed inside, almost falling to the floor, but you caught him. 

     “You’ve gotta be quiet though, my parents are just down the hall.”

      You studied in mostly silence for a while, every so often you would look up to ask him a question and he would already be looking at you. This made you blush.

      “God, Eddie. I’m so stressed out about this. What if I fail all of them and then I can’t see you guys over the summer?”

     “Okay, first off, you’re literally the smartest person in our friend group. You’re definitely going to pass. Secondly, even if you do fail, I’m going to come visit you every single day. And I’ll bring all your favorite stuff and movies and I’ll hide when your parents come to check on you. How about that?” 

     A smile tugged at the corners of your lips as the boy spoke. You felt like you might cry. No one had ever said anything like that to you before. 

     “Yeah, that sounds great.”

     That’s when you knew you were in too deep with this boy.

     and here’s the miracle: he loves you too.

     He was 13 years old when he realized he was in love.

     1989

     “I can’t go home like this guys. My mom will kill me.” The small boy, Eddie Kaspbrak, said with a face covered in grime. 

     “Dude, you’ve been gone for 24 straight hours. Your face is definitely on a milk carton by now,” Richie joked making Eddie’s face fall in terror, “Also, that puke smells worse than your mom’s slippers.”

     “Oh, shut up, Richie,” You interjected, Eddie noticed you were gripping the handlebars of your bike to the point your knuckles were white.

     “Okay, first of all, my mom’s slippers smell like potpourri, asshole,” Eddie retorted as everyone started to wheel their bikes down the main street of Derry.

     You all started joking, just like normal. Like you hadn’t just crawled out of the sewer after fighting a child-eating clown.

     Everyone started going their separate ways, going to their respective houses, until Eddie was left alone with you. Your house was just around the corner from his so it wasn’t unusual for you to walk home together. But, Eddie felt different this time. He wanted to make sure you got home safe and you were okay.

     Your words interrupted his thoughts, “Do you want to come to my house? To clean up so your mom doesn’t freak out even more,” You offered, keeping your eyes on the bike wheel you were guiding next to you.

     Eddie’s mouth opened and closed a few times before he finally answered, “Yeah, sure.”

     When you arrived at your house, you checked to see if your parent’s car was in the garage before dropping your bikes in the front lawn. Eddie watched you move the small cat statue on the first step of your house to grab your spare key. You unlocked the door and led him up to your bathroom, grabbing a towel from the hall closet on your way.

     Eddie sat on the seat of the toilet, following you across the room with his eyes as you turned on the tab, trying to get the temperature right, before wetting the towel and putting soap on it. 

     You made your way back over to him, kneeling down. When you started scrubbing his face, his breath hitched in his throat. He kept his eyes on you as you continued your work, focused. You also reached up and tried to get some of the puke out of his hair.

     “Sorry, I don’t think I can do anything about the smell. Or your clothes. You’ll have to go home for that,” You told him, turning around to get some of the grime off the towel. You also grabbed a few bandaids and another washcloth with soap and water to clean his smaller cuts. Good thing he didn’t have any major wounds, not like Stanley.

     Eddie’s heart felt like it was going to beat out of his chest. Not because of an asthma attack, not because he had just fought a killer clown, because the girl he liked was sitting so close to him. If he just leaned in... 

     The brunette boy cleared his throat, averting his eyes away from you.

     When you announced you were done, Eddie quickly asked if you wanted him to help clean yourself up. He wanted to stay here with you longer. He knew his mother wouldn’t let him out of the house until school started, even if he just said he was at Bill’s and fell into a puddle or something.

     “It’s fine, Eds. Go make sure your mom knows you’re alive so she doesn’t actually put your face on a milk carton,” You joked, sending him a weak smile.

     Eddie let out a small chuckle, his eyes trained on you. You let out a small awkward laugh, reaching up to rub the side of your neck. He saw you open your mouth to say something, but he just moved forward and took you in his arms.

     “Hey, you’ll get dirty again,” You pointed out playfully, but none the less, hugged him back.

     Eddie could have stayed there forever. He didn’t even care that you both smelled like sewer or that his mom was probably freaking out. He didn’t know what he would do if something had happened to you.

     He slowly pulled away, looking at your face. You were looking at him too.

     “I’ll see you later, yeah?” You asked, smiling softly at him.

     “Yeah, of course.”

     Eddie walked past you, walking back out your front door. Once it was closed, he let out a deep breath he didn’t know he was holding. God, he was in love with you.

     you are allowed to have him.

     1992

     It was Christmas break. There were still three days until Christmas but Bev was leaving to see family in Portland tomorrow and you all wanted to give each other presents.

    You were squished between Richie and Eddie on the plush couch in your living room, watching A Christmas Story. Ben, Bev, and Bill sat on the floor in front of you, if you looked close enough, you could see her pinkie finger resting on Ben’s hand. Stanley was sitting on the chair next to the lit fireplace but was still curled up under a blanket. Mike sat in the chair on the other side of the couch, resting his head on his hand.

    You shivered, causing Eddie to switch his attention to you.

    “Are you cold?” He whispered as to not disturb the others.

    You nodded and in response. He turned around and pulled the blanket off the back of the couch. He leaned over and spread it over the two of you. You sent him a grateful smile, your heart starting to flutter as he hesitantly laid his hand on yours under the blanket.

    You had had a crush on the boy since you started middle school. He had always been there for you, especially after everything had happened with Pennywise. His laugh was like music to your ears and you always wanted to keep a smile on his face.

    Your eyes kept switching from the TV screen back to Eddie, from the TV to Eddie. Your eyes finally decided to stay on the boy next to you. You felt like you hadn’t taken a good look at him in a while. His hair had started to curl more and it lightened a bit. He had grown too, you remember being at least four inches taller than him, but all of a sudden he shot up. He had stopped carrying around that dorky fanny pack when you started high school.

    He turned his eyes to you, meeting your gaze. He moved ever so slightly to be closer to you, fulling wrapping his fingers around your hand.

    The movie ended soon after and it was time for gifts. All of you moved to sit on the floor in a circle. You had done Secret Santa this year so you all didn’t have to buy seven different presents.

    “Okay, I’ll start. I got Bill,” You announced, leaning over to him to hand him a rectangular parcel. He took it and quickly ripped the wrapping paper off. Inside was a blank sketchbook and a packet of colored pencils.

    “T-Thanks, (y/n),” He sent you a warm smile, “I had M-Mike.”

    Mike had Ben, Ben had Stan, Stan had Bev, Bev had Richie, and Richie had Eddie.

    “And that means, Eddie had (y/n)!” Richie teased, nudging Eddie in the side with his elbow.

    “Yeah, yeah. I’m gonna give it to her later,” Eddie retorted, a flush coming to his cheeks.

    A shit-eating grin grew on Richie’s face, “Oh I bet you are Eds.”

    Eddie groaned, putting his face in his hands while the rest of the losers club laughed at him.

    “Beep beep, Richie. And I told you not to call me that.”

     “But (y/n) can call you that? Suspicious.”

    It took a few more hours for the losers to start to leave. Richie tried to stay until Eddie gave you your present, but Bev made him leave, already knowing what you were getting. Eddie had asked her what he should get you since the two of you were so close.

    “Alright, what’s this thing you couldn’t give me in front of the losers?” You asked, pulling him down to sit on the couch facing each other. 

     Eddie chewed his lip nervously, holding the wrapped rectangle in his hands. 

     “Okay, please don’t laugh.”

     “Of course I’m not going to laugh, Eds.”

     He took a deep breath, pushing it across the couch cushion to you. You took it in your hands, taking the wrapping off of it. 

     It was a small brown book. 

     You furrowed your eyebrows, looking up at him. Eddie made a gesture to open it, so you did. It took your breath away.

     Inside were pages filled with pictures, notes, movie tickets from different times in your life with the losers. You let out a breathy laugh, smiling brightly as you flipped through it.

     “Oh my god, Eddie. This... This is beautiful,” You told him, setting the book aside and reaching over to take him in your arms. He wrapped his arms around you in return, resting his head on your shoulder.

     “Well, I’m glad you like it,” His words were muffled by your shirt, “You... You didn’t look at the last page though.”

     You pulled away, reaching over to open the book again. You flipped all the way to the back, seeing a picture of Eddie and yourself that was obviously taken by one of the other losers. You were sitting together on someone's couch, your head was on his shoulder and he had his eyes trained on you, a genuine smile on his face.

     Your eyes moved to a small patch of writing under the picture.

     Do you like me back?

          yes          no

     You let out a small giggle, reaching to the table next to the couch to grab a pen. You circled yes, closed the book, and pushed it back over to him.

     The tips of Eddie’s ears turned red as he opened to the back of the book. A smile pulled at his lips, passing it back to you.

     “Okay, well... Would you want to... Like, be my girlfriend?”

      You let out another giggle, leaning over to him and pressing a short kiss to his cheek. 

     “Of course, Eds.”

--

     Two and a half years later, you were all packed up for college and leaving in the morning. You had spent the whole night before with your friends, knowing it was going to be the last time you saw them for a while. 

     You walked back into your room from washing your face, looking around your near-empty room. You jumped at a sudden knock on your window.

     Your eyebrows furrowed as you turned around. A laugh fell from your lips, rushing over to the window to open it. Eddie’s grinning face there to greet you.

     “For old times sake, right?”

     Eddie climbed through the window and followed you to your bed. You both laid on top of the blankets, Eddie wrapping his arms around your waist, pulling you to him.

     Neither of you spoke for a while, just wanting to cherish each other’s presence for the last time. 

     “I’m gonna miss you,” You spoke up, breaking the silence.

     “I’m going to miss you so much more,” He answered, pressing a kiss to your forehead, “And after we graduate college, we’ll go away somewhere. New York, California, I’d go anywhere with you.”

     You giggled, leaning up and pressing a kiss to his lips, “I’d like that.”

     You stayed like that until the sun started to rise. 

     “Shit,” The boy whispered, rubbing his eyes and sitting up, “I really need to get home.”

     You nodded, getting up with him, “Eddie,” You called softly as he walked to the window.

     He turned around as you walked towards him and planted your lips onto his.

     Your hands cupped his cheeks, his right hand going to your hip and his left going to your cheek as well. The kiss didn’t last long enough for your liking when he pulled away.

     “I love you,” He whispered.

     “I love you.”

     As he crawled out the window, you didn’t realize it would be the last time you saw him for 22 years.

     and here’s the tragedy: it’s not enough.

     2016

     The lights of Jade of the Orient shined down on you as you worked up the courage to walk in.

     It still baffled you how you could forget your whole childhood. Where you came from, your friends, your experiences. Eddie.

     When you did push the door open, a young lady greeted you and brought you to a room towards the back. When walked in, there were already two men standing there. 

     “(y/n)?” One of them asked, stepping towards you. Bill.

     “I’m so glad you made it,” The other greeted, taking you into his arms. Mike.

     You let out a laugh, hugging him back. “Yeah, of course I came.” You broke away from him and pulled Bill into a hug as well.

     Mike opened his mouth to speak when you all heard a voice behind you. You all turned around.

     “I am allergic to soy, anything that has egg in it, uh gluten, and if I eat a cashew I could realistically die,” The man told the waitress, making his way into the room. 

     He paused when he saw the three of you. 

     “Holy shit.” 

     “Good to see you too, Eds,” You greeted, quickly walking to him and taking him in your arms. He immediately pulled you closer. It felt warm and safe and like home.

     “(y/n/n)?” He whispered in your hair.

     You pulled away from him, giving him a warm smile.

     Bill and Mike moved towards the two of you to give Eddie a hug as well. You made small talk while you waited for the others.

     When they did get there, everything felt right. Richie hit the gong and announced the beginning of the meeting of the Losers Club.

     “Look at these guys!” Eddie exclaimed, pointing at Beverly, Ben, and Richie.

      Then you got drunk.

     “So, wait, Eddie, you got married?” Richie asked, his shot glass falling out of his mouth. You were sitting in between him and Eddie

     “Yeah, why’s that so fucking funny, dickwad?”

     “What, to like a woman?”

     “Fuck you, bro.”

     “Fuck you!”

     You let out a laugh, nudging Richie in the side with your elbow.

     “And what about you, Trashmouth, you married?” Bill asked, leaning forwards.

     “There’s no way Richie’s married!” You joked, holding your glass up to your lips.

     “No, I got married,” He answered, looking serious.

     “Richie, I don’t believe it,” Beverly retorted, eating a piece of chicken.

     “When?” Eddie exclaimed, eyebrows raised.

      “You didn’t hear about this?”

     “No.”

     “You didn’t know I got married? Yeah, no, me and your mom are very, very happy.”

     Everyone around the table lost it, Bill choking on his drink and Beverly letting out a loud laugh and covering her mouth. You threw your head back in laughter, glancing over at Eddie who’s eyebrows were furrowed.

     “Fuck you,” He pointed at Richie, taking a sip from the small bowl he was holding.

      Richie wrapped an arm around your shoulders and leaned into your ear, starting to do a Jabba the Hutt impression. 

     You laughed and pushed him off, “Oh, leave him alone, Richie.”

     While everyone was joking and laughing, Eddie turned to you. 

     “So, did you ever get married?” He asked, taking a sip of his drink.

     You shook your head, “No, I just... Never met the right person, I guess,” You shrugged your shoulders.

     Eddie nodded slowly, “Right. What do you do?” 

     “I actually work as a psychologist. I like being able to help people.”

     “You were always the best listener,” He told you, making you giggle.

     “So, you two are still in love,” Richie cut in, looking at the two of you.

     Both of your faces flushed before you spoke, “Beep beep Richie.”

--

     That night, you sat on your bed, blankly staring at the TV screen, it wasn’t even on. You kept seeing flashes of your younger self in your mind. A lot of them with a younger version of Eddie.

     You jumped at the sudden knock on your door. Your eyes turned to the clock on the nightstand, 11:53pm.

     You hesitantly walked over to it, cracking it open. There stood Eddie, looking at the floor. You opened the door fully.

     He looked up at you, opening his mouth to say something but nothing came out. 

     “You wanna come in?”

     He simply nodded, following you inside and closing the door behind him.

     You both sat on the end of the bed where you had been moments before.

     “Do you... Do you remember?” He finally broke the silence.

     You nodded, getting the hint at what he was saying, and he set a hand on top of yours.  

     “I still love you. I know I didn’t even remember you until a couple days ago but I don’t want to go anywhere without you again,” Eddie confessed, turning to face you fully.

     “Eds, you’re married.”

     “Fuck her. I don’t love her, not like I love you. She’s basically my mother and I would leave her in a heartbeat for you.”

     A smile tugged at your lips as you leaned into him, pressing a soft kiss to his lips, “ Okay.”

     Eddie grinned, moving his hands to cup your cheeks, pulling you into another kiss.

     you are allowed to count the constellations in his eyes as they blink out,

     The house on Neibolt looked the same as you walked inside. The sewers felt the same too. 

     You emerged from a cave after escaping your fear. You were shaken but you knew your work was not done.

     “Hey, fuckface!” You heard Richie yell from across the room. Pennywise dropped Mike who he was holding and turned to your trash mouth friend.

     “Wanna play truth or dare? Here’s a truth, you’re a sloppy bitch! Yeah, that’s right! Let’s dance, yippee ki-yay mother-” He was cut off when Pennywise opened his mouth, showing him the deadlights. 

     A sound of distress fell from your lips as you saw one of your best friends rising into the air. You scrambled to get down from where you were standing when you saw Eddie run out of the cave behind Richie.

     “Beep beep, mother fucker!” He yelled, throwing the spike he had been given at the clown. 

     It went straight in his mouth. You couldn’t look away as Pennywise stumbled back, landing on another spike that went through his back. You let out a shaky breath, turning your gaze back to Richie and Eddie. 

     “Holy shit! Rich!” Eddie exclaimed, turning back to the man on the floor. “Hey, Richie! Listen, I think I got him, man! I think I killed it! I did! I think I killed-” He was cut off. A scream passed your lips and everything felt like it was going in slow motion.

     Pennywise stabbed Eddie through his back with one of his claws. He pulled him off of Richie and dangled him in the air, making taunting noises. A sob left your lips as tears started to fill your eyes. 

     With blurry vision, you watched the clown throw him into a cave and you had never run faster anywhere in your life. You slid down into the cave, your hands shaking as you helped Mike and Ben flip him onto his back. 

     Blood was pooling from his mouth and there was a gaping hole through his chest. You knelt in front of him, Richie shrugging off his jacket and handing it to you. You pressed it against his wound. 

     Pennywise clawed at the entrance, shouting at the seven of you.

     “We have to get him out of here,” You pleaded, brushing some of his hair from his face.

     “How are we supposed to do that, (y/n)?” Beverly asked, tears threatening to spill from her eyes.

     “I almost killed it,” Eddie said weakly, “The leper. My hands were at its throat. And I... Could feel him choking. I made him small. He seemed so weak.”

     Mike and Beverly started making a plan when Ben came back and told you all there was a tunnel. The next minutes were a blur as you helped carry Eddie to a sheltered area while the other losers went to distract Pennywise.

     “Oh my god, Eds,” You whispered, pulling the jacket back to look at his wound. 

     “It’s alright, I guess you’ll just have to clean me up again,” He spoke, referencing the time you did when you were younger and when Henry Bowers stabbed him in the face earlier that day.

     You let out a watery laugh, leaning in and pressing a kiss to his forehead. 

     “You gotta stay with me, we’re gonna get you out of here, okay? And we’ll go away like we said we would. I’d go anywhere with you.”

     Eddie tried to smile, his lips completely covered in blood. 

     “I’d... I’d like that...” His voice trailed off and you let out a loud sob. 

     No, no no no no. This wasn’t happening. This couldn’t be happening. You had just gotten him back and he was going to be gone again.

     “Eddie?” Your voice broke. He stilled but you could still hear shallow breaths. You needed to help your friends.

     Your pain mixed with your anger as you looked over to where the losers had cornered Pennywise. You shot up, running over to them and ripping off the spiked arm the clown was trying to use to stab your friends. 

     The six of you circled around the monster that had tormented you, calling him a clown. Making him small.

     Pennywise’s breaths were labored but he still brought out one more jump scare as Mike got closer to him. Your friend reached into the clown’s chest, pulling out his heart as he screamed.

     Beverly grabbed onto the heart first and the rest of you followed.

     “Look at you, you’re all grown up.”

     You all squeezed, watching him shrivel up and everything started floating up.

     It was finally dead.

     You let out a breath as Beverly leaned onto your shoulder.

     “Eddie,” You broke the silence, turning around and returning to his body.

     The rest of the losers followed you as you knelt in front of him, taking his face in your hand.

     “Eddie, hey Eds. We got it,” You whispered and when he didn’t respond, your heart shattered. 

     You heard Beverly let out a sob behind you, “(y/n)...”

     “He’s gone,” Bill spoke.

     “He’s alright, he’s just hurt. We gotta get him out of here,” You argued, turning to look at your crying friends.

     “(y/n), honey... He’s dead.”

     You turned to look at Bev, you knew. Of course, you knew. You didn’t want it to be true.

     “We have to go, come on.”

     You took the man you loved in your arms while Bill and Richie tried to get you to stand up. You cradled his head in your hands, crying in protest as they started to drag you away from his body.

     The six of you rushed out of the sewers, out of Neibolt house, as it was collapsing around you. You almost tripped from rushing down the stairs, Richie’s hand still on your arm to keep you going.

     As you watched the house crumble, you pulled against him, making Ben grab your other arm. 

     “He wouldn’t want to die in there,” You sobbed, finally collapsing from exhaustion into Richie’s arms. The man kept you standing, holding you and rubbing his hand over your hair as you cried.

    You were 40 years old when you realized you had lost your love.

     but you are not allowed to save him.