#gureferiweek2017

Guren was never into things like courtship and the like. Well, in all honesty, he never even considered courtship. He went with life with just the thought of dates, dinners and fucking. Currently he was pondering about it. And it was all because of Ferid.

Ferid gave the aura of someone who preferred courtship; someone who preferred being wooed, ensnared first before diving in. But there was also something that made him think otherwise. Because in his chaste demeanor and mannerisms, there was something that was subtly erotic underneath; subtly lascivious in the way he flickered and narrowed his eyes.

Wanting to distract himself, he shifted his attention to the paper Ferid gave him. He fiddled with it. He had been vacillating between calling him or doing nothing at all, just leave things be; wait for something like a sign perhaps if this was meant to be; if they were meant to be. Guren clicked his tongue, Really, he thought, he never thought he would ever think this way.  

----

Ferid was sitting alone at a café sifting through a magazine. He had been jumping from one job to another just to kill time. Currently he was employed as a fashion designer. And so far he liked the work. It was peaceful. He didn’t need to interact with people, he just needed to design. It was a convenient job.

While he was waiting for his coffee, his phone buzzed. He checked it, excited. He was expecting it to come from a certain someone but it was not; it was his boss. He sighed, pushed his phone away and resumed sifting through the magazine.

When will Guren contact him? He wondered.

----

Sorry I wasn’t able to contact you. I stayed for three days at the town where I met you. Now I am back in Tokyo. Do you want to meet up?

Sure~ Anytime for you dear.

Where is it convenient for you?

Ah, The Tokyo Tower perhaps? We can bask in the city lights~ It would be wonderful don’t you think?

Ok. See you. 7:30 pm.

---

They met at Tokyo Tower.

Ferid was the first to arrive. He wore a thick furred overcoat, a scarf and a pair of mittens and a bonnet to keep himself warm. He didn’t really mind the cold, but he just really liked being wrapped up in warmth; it was comforting.

He was waiting for Guren to arrive. Closing his eyes, he listened to the cacophony of sounds that he could catch, turning off certain noises while he was at it and focusing only on Guren’s sound. In his search, he had heard people’s gossip, children crying, laughing, shouting at each other, the sound of the engine; the wail and the brash trundle of heavy trucks and other city noises. At last he heard his sound: the rustle of his clothes, his footsteps striking the hard ground, the stretching of his sinews. His voice, and the cold drawl of his voice as he talked to a person, probably an acquaintance from work.

Ferid opened his eyes and then smiled. He remembered something. He took a card from his pocket; it was a faded cream card, rough on the edges and had blots of brownish dots on its surface from age. He breathed in its scent and then kept it.

Breathing out the cold, Ferid sighed making his breath fog. After awhile, Guren was already there. As a response Feridperked up. Yet, ye pretended not to notice his arrival; he pretended he wasn’t waiting for him.

“Did you wait long?”

“No. I just got here.” It was obviously a lie. But lying was always what Ferid was very good at.  

“Really?” Guren leaned in and touched Ferid’s cheek.

“You’re cold.”

“Ah~ no need to worry, I have a cold body temperature Guren. It’s perfectly fine~.” Ferid smiled, flashing his sharp little fangs jutting out his perfectly lined front teeth. Guren noticed them, but he didn’t really think anything of it.

“Here,” Guren took out something out of his pocket. It was a muffin.

“I got this when I came across it while I was on the way here. I thought you might be hungry or something, so I bought it.”

Guren didn’t really know what to give someone like Ferid on the first date. Usually he would give his date a rose. But since Ferid was a man, and his first man at that, he didn’t really know what to give him.

“Thank you,” Ferid said, happiness evident on his face. He turned and shifted his gaze at the Tower.

“Tokyo Tower is really beautiful don’t you think? especially the lights!” He looked around and squinted his eyes purposely. He saw that there were a lot of lovers.

“It seems that it is not only us who are having fun. I’m glad we came here! I really am.”

“Yeah. This was all your idea though. You take all the credit.”

“Oh Dear, but I’m happy to be with you~”

Guren was embarrassed. He didn’t really know what to reply. He craned his neck and stood close to Ferid who was awestruck at the bright lights. It was not Ferid’sfirst time to have seen it. But it was certainly his first time enjoying the view.

Ferid looked so happy, so innocent and just.. beautiful that it made Guren blush seeing him looking like that. It made Guren want to hold his hand. It made him want to kiss him and he was embarrassed of thinking of such things. It was their first date. He didn’t think Ferid would want to kiss on the first date, or touch for that matter.

Guren had been thinking of this date for a while. He had been thinking of how to go about it. He was not really the thinker. He got on with life merely going with the flow, because he was too lazy to consider details. He was too lazy to care about things. The fact that there was something about Ferid that made him feel something, and the fact that the feelings that he was currently feeling for him was becoming stronger. It was like a feeling that had always been there, dormant, sleeping, but something that if once triggered and lit anew become even stronger. That was what he was feeling.

He felt a very strong attraction towards Ferid. An attraction he had never felt before. He was already twenty-four years old. He had his fair share of relationships. But he had never been attracted like this to anyone at all.

He always thought that he would never actually fall in love with someone. Love for him was something that was elusive. It was only something that was rare. And only few lucky people can share it with someone. He knew he was not one of those people. But being with Ferid like this, he could believe that he could. And that made him a little bit scared.

Looking at Ferid’s face dappled with the sallow lights from the Tokyo Tower made his heart flutter. He never truly understood what it meant. And still, he couldn’t shake off the feeling that he had meet him before; that he knew him already. It was impossible to feel an attraction as strong as he felt for him if this was the first time they met. It weighed as if they had been there for years longer than a lifetime.

“Ferid,”

“Yes?” Ferid turned to him, surprised at the graveness of the sound of Guren’s voice.

Guren wanted to tell Ferid that he was glad to meet him. He wanted to tell him that maybe they were meant to meet like that, but the words wouldn’t come to him. So he just stared at him.

Ferid just gazed at him. Of course he had an idea about this. Of course he knew that Guren must have been thinking of the reasons why he felt so attached to him as though he had meet him before; as though he met him long before that. But what difference would it make if Ferid told him that, Yes, they had met before; they had met lifetimes prior?

Thinking that maybe he could try to at least be intimate with Guren, he asked,

“Do.. Perhaps you want to hold hands?” Ferid asked Guren, a little bit shy: lifting his shoulders a little bit and leaning down to hide his cheeks.

To be honest,Guren was never the kind to want to hold hands with someone. It was a thing girls like so usually he just did it for the sake of his lovers. But now, he was surprised that he wanted to hold Ferid’s hand. And coincidentally, Feridgave him what he wanted. Without saying anything he slipped his hand in Ferid and clasped their hands together. Ferid looked down, gazing at both of their hands, his throat dry, and his cold cheeks starting to fluster as though he had just had his fill of fresh blood.

Guren hem and hawed, trying to fend off his embarrassment at wanting to hold hands. They were quiet. Only the hubbub filled the silence that had settled between the two of them. Guren was shy. He was cursing himself internally for his desires, for the questions that he thought of, and for still wanting more than just merely holding hands, even if this was their first time going out with each other.

Guren looked down at their hands and then to Ferid who was currently staring at the night sky. He shifted his gaze to the sky then.

“Guren~ do you know the stars are thousands of years old?”

“Yeah. I know they are old.”

“As old as time perhaps?” Ferid turned to Guren. He looked directly into his eyes, “Do you know that every star would burn out in the end? Even the sun?”

Ferid gazed down and continued,

“It makes you think that in the end nothing really remains forever. So maybe, there is no such thing as immortality?”

Guren was puzzled at what Ferid was trying to say.  

“Everything perishes.”Ferid looked sad.

“Yeah. I guess so. But doesn’t that what makes life precious?” Guren tightened his grip of Ferid’s hand. He was not really good with words. But he knew that Ferid was feeling something strange and it was up to him to assure him everything would be fine.

He pulled him and dragged him away from the lights.

“Oh my~ Wait!” Ferid protested, surprised at the sudden pull.

“Wherever are you taking me?”

“Just shut up, I booked some place where we could chill and.. uh… it’s near here. So stop being all melancholic and just allow me to take you there.”

Ferid smiled. He didn’t mind Guren’s nails digging into his skin.

---

Guren brought Ferid to a starbucks café.

“What are you having? It’s on me.”

“Oh~ Guren dear,  you don’t need to pay for me. I can pay for myself!”

“No. Just let me pay. I was the one who ask you out after all.”

“Oh alright.” Ferid looked up and scanned the menu above his head. He thought deeply.

“I’ll have… just a hot cappuccino pretty please~”

“Ok then.”

Ferid went to find a seat for both of them. He waited for Guren. While waiting he thought of how everything is going well. He thought that maybe this was a sign that something was going to happen. And he didn’t really like it. He assured himself that he was probably overthinking things. He assured himself that he was probably just used to things not working out for him.

Ferid’s thoughts were interrupted when Guren settled on the chair across him bringing with him their order and a slice of cake.

“Oh~ How lovely. Thank you!” Ferid said clapping his hand smiling mirthfully at Guren as if he didn’t think of death and separation.

They talked about their jobs. Guren told him that he was a policeman. He told him about his problem at his work place, his boss Kureto who was always a pain in the ass and Shinya, his friend who was sometimes a jerk by always teasing him about things. He said that they always give him a hard time. Seishirou, Kureto’s brother was the worst really; a close second to his elder brother Kureto in terms of being a piece of shit.

Guren told Ferid about his past relationship as well. His relationship with Mahiru, who was supposed to be Shinya’s fiancée but who he got into a relationship with.

“Wow! That’s so complicated.” Ferid said furrowing his brows and shaking his head.

“Yeah. It is,” Guren wiped off the crumbs of cake using his napkin.

“It really is. But I told her we can’t be together.”

“Ouch. That must have broken her heart.”

“But past is past Ferid.”

“Ehe,” Ferid smiled all teeth, his fangs gleaming.

“I’m just teasing you dear~”

Guren asked Ferid things, but most of them was left unanswered. And this made Guren think that Ferid was a secretive person. Wanting to know more about him, he vowed to penetrate the impenetrable fortress that was Ferid’s heart, even if it’s the last thing he’d do. This was because he really truly wished to know more about him; to know about his thoughts, things about Feridthat he had never ever before disclosed to a living soul.

“I think I mightbe fallingin love with you.”Guren blurted out without meaning to, interrupting Ferid as he talked about fashion design.

Ferid was surprised. It felt like he was punched in the gut. It was not a bad thing really for Guren to be in love with him. It was after all what he had been wishing all these years for Guren to finally reciprocate his love. But he was feeling nervous. He was not used to his feelings being reciprocated and because of that, he wanted to flee. He wanted to run and hide somewhere because he didn’t really know what to feel nor how to react.

Yes, he had been saying to Guren please love me a thousand times already in his head. But hearing it coming from his lips directly was another. He couldn’t believe it. It was hard holding back the feelings that had swelled inside of him at the utterance of those words.

Ferid pretended he didn’t hear anything. He pretended that he was not surprised just to give Guren more time to think about the true state of his feelings. He can’t have him rushing into something he was not entirely sure about.

After that, they went home. Guren was hesitating whether he offer to take Ferid home. In the end, he decided that he would.Ferid refused. He said it was fine. He can go home on his own. While they were walking homewards, it rained. It was a drizzle first, and after a few minutes, it poured. As a consequence Guren took Ferid’s hand and ran to a nearby shed.

Tokyo was a busy city; people were huddled like sardines taking shelter from the rain. Ferid was pressed to his side; squished because there were just too many people who took shelter from the rain. He could feel his lithe body; the grace of its curves; its softness underneath the layer of cloth that he had wrapped himself in. He still held his and. After a while, he grabbed him by the shoulders and pressed him against him. He was feeling possessive. Feeling suffocated, he dragged Ferid away from the crowd. They ran in the rain feeling the cold droplets coming down on their faces, drenching them to their bones. The raindrops stung. But Guren didn’t mind. He was screaming, “Wew!” Tasting the rain on his tongue. He held on to Ferid’s hand tightly. Ferid was heaving, his pale face pallid against the street lights. He felt the coldness of the rain on his face. Yes, this was what he desired: to enjoy ordinary things like running in the rain with Guren; to feel his hands clasped tightly on his; to feel loved. And he could not have been happier.

Upon such realization that indeed, this is what happiness is, Ferid furrowed his brows. He had ceased to feel anything for the past years, and feeling these sensations now made him feel odd.He craned his neck and closed his eyes shut. The raindrops that sluiced down from his eyes down his cheek looked like beads of tears glistening as the light from the streetlights was reflected on them.

They ran into an alley and then, Guren ended up pinningFerid on the wall.

They just stood there: alone, awkward. Guren felt his heart beat in a way that it had never beat before. He felt like a teenager that was high on love. They were silent. Ferid just stared at Guren feeling awkward. He felt the same calmness that he felt the first time they met; the same comforting feeling enveloped him. The rain was loud as it fell against the eaves. And this filled in the silence that pass between them. The sound of rushing water, the plopping sound and trickle of rain accompanied the sound of Guren’s heart. Ferid could hear them clearly.

“Guren?”

“I know this is weird for our first date to be doing a thing like this. You must think I’m a creep or a pervert. I’m sorry. It’s just.. on instinct I…”

I know you were always the aggressive kind. Ferid thought grinning.

“It’s fine. Ah~ we are both drenched to our bones. The rain is such a mood killer. I can’t believe our perfect date was ruined.” Ferid leaned against Guren’s shoulder.

“At least you can keep me warm like this.” He then raised his eyes and continued, “At least we got to run in the rain like children! Oh, it’s so exciting really, to be able to experience this with you dear.” Ferid flashed a bright smile at Guren.

The breeze was cold. A strong wind made the branches of the Maple trees quaver. The tiny twigs holding the leaves rattled, sounding eerie like a maracas. Little Guren whistled a song to distract himself so that he won’t be able to hear the ghostly sound of the wind. It was the tune of the nursery rhyme, row your boat.

When the song ended, Gurenwhistled it again, accompanied by another sweep of cold breeze seeping into his pores. Guren was the only one sitting at the bus stop waiting for his mother to fetch him. He was swinging his short legs as he hummed, and fiddled with the tufts of hair that covered his eyes.

His hair didn’t block the sight of the empty street. He saw a bleak afternoon sun suffuse every corner and every crevice with its light, cloaking them with reddish yellow sunlight.

Guren looked up. The skies were painted coppery red. Indigo was starting to engulf the hapless yellows and the oranges that splattered across the gloomy sky. The birds twittered such a disturbing sound. The lack of people in the streets scared him, but he tried to be strong. He was a boy and boys were brave. Boys didn’t cry just because their mother’s were late in fetching them; boys weren’t scared of anything apart from their Mama’s beating and their Papa’s bellows of rage.  

Something screeched in the distance. Gurenwondered if it was a rat. He swallowed a lump in his throat and continued whistling. Nervously, he clutched his bag, digging his fingers on its leather flesh, straining his fingers on the process.

His whistling stopped when he heard footsteps. Feet struck the ground oh so slowly; heels clacking against the asphalt ground in such a loud, blithely manner. Curious, Guren raised his eyes and saw someone who looked other worldly, someone that looked like a foreigner of sorts. In response, his eyes widened, and his cheeks turned red.

With long silver hair, blazing crimson eyes, the person stood-out in the middle of the street like a subject of a painting. He was eye catching that little Guren felt his heart throb at the sight of him. It was the first time Guren felt such an ache. The fact that there was a faint recognition of such a feeling that swelled in his chest perplexed him. The warmth that spread from his cheeks to his limbs was comforting yet embarrassing. This was one of those moments when one who had never understood a particular word could relate a particular term to something. At that moment, Guren knew it was fate.

The person turned to his direction—hair billowing in the wind—and smiled at Guren; it was such a breathtaking smile that made Little Guren’s chest bloat with a second wave of warmth. The person tucked alock behind his ear and strutted towards him; hands perched on his tiny waist. His narrowed eyes were playful and teasing. Guren could not take his eyes away from the beautiful person that was walking towards him, and it was making his throat dry and his heart frantic.

“Hello there~” The stranger greeted the child playfully, waiving his perfect hands, and how had little Guren turned even redder just hearing the sound of his voice!

“Hello.” Guren replied softly. He sounded like he was brooding; he sounded stingy, petulant.

The beautiful person looked to and fro, throwing furtive glances at the empty street as if he was checking something. Satisfied, his eyes flickered to Guren. And then, he sat beside the child, his clothes rustling plaintively against the old bench.

“Why are you alone dear?”

Guren didn’t reply. He just hugged his bag tightly against him and scooted a little bit away from the stranger.

The stranger seemed to be amused at this. He closed his eyes, laid back on the seat and added,

“Aah~ your parents must be really bored with you to leave you like this.”

Guren was offended by the statement. He threw a glare at the stranger who was smiling at the sky as if what he just said was normal; as if what he just said weren’t hurtful words. He turned to look at Guren and smiled even wider. At Guren’s childish glare, soft laughter babbled from the stranger’s mouth. His laughter was saccharine, hypnotic. It was beautiful like him.

The stranger didn’t say anything after that. He just stared at Guren, waiting for him to say something; throwing him a playful look. When Guren said nothing, he looked away, and closed his eyes. He looked pleased, amused at the exchange of stares he had with the child. It was almost fun. As amusement started to be replaced with something else, he looked down on his hands that were gathered close to his belly. Fingers loosely tangled with each other, he untangled them and then clenched them into a fist. He opened his right hand, and gazed into his open palm. He remembered that the heart was the size of a fist.

As the stranger was lost in his thoughts, the wind was at it again. The sound of the rustling branches came in a crescendo. The cooing wind caused the foliage to scatter on the ground, making them somersault in the air. Dead leaves crackled as their delicate bodies were being blown away by the wind, causing them to rub against the ground and leave crisp tortured noises in their wake. Despite this noise, the silence was pressing in onGuren and the stranger, enclosing them in a suffocating embrace.

Unable to do anything yet, the stranger mulled; arms over his chest, he thought purposely. When nothing came to his mind, he listened to the sound of Guren’s heartbeat instead. He listened to the sound of Guren’s clenching fist; the sound of his facial muscles stretching to create a delicate curl of the lip; his nervous legs; the sound of his mortality.

The late afternoon sun peering out of the thick clouds was alreadyfading out. The clouds scudded over the sky covering what was left of the sun, in effect casting shadows everywhere. The silhouette of two lone figures stretched on the ground caught Guren’s attention. Guren gazed at it and wondered where his mother was.

The stranger wondered why he wasn’t in the mood for anything. But there was something that had swelled within him, and this was something he could not really put his finger into. The stillness was familiar. The feeling of calmness, albeit disconcerting that was slowly enveloping him was nostalgic. It made him feel melancholic.

“What’s your name?”

The stranger jolted, a bit surprised by the sound of Guren’s voice. It distracted him from the sting he felt in his chest. He turned to Guren, only to find little Guren craning his neck, looking up at him with eyes so innocently sweet; he looked so vulnerable and precious. The stranger could not resistreaching out his idle hands just to caress the child’s flabby cheeks. He placed his hand on the side of the child’s face and ran his thumb on Guren’scheeks lovingly.The child jolted at the sting of his icy skin. He on the other hand, flustered a little bit at the warmth of Guren’s little body.The calming feeling made him lose sight of what he had planned to do.

“Ferid. My name is Ferid.”He finally said about to withdraw his hand, but little Guren grabbed it to make it stay. The child smiled shyly at him and replied, “I’m Guren. I don’t know why you’re here mister, but it seems to me that you came from far away.”

“Oh I did come from faraway~”

Slowly, Guren let go of his hand. The fading warmth of the child’s hand made Ferid a little bit lonely.

“My mother told me never to talk to strangers, but...”

Ferid smiled at that, reaching out to the child again, this time curious, bold. He trailed his perfect hand across Guren’s neck and then pulled Guren’s collar to expose bits of the child’s shoulder. Ferid’s eyes widened at what he saw.

“What’s wrong mister? Is there something on my shoulder?”

Ferid just stared at the exposed skin for a full two seconds. The mark on Guren’s shoulder was a faint brownish mark, shaped like a leaf. He caressed it again just to make sure it was really there; just to make sure he wasn’t just seeing things. As a realization hit him, emotions welled inside of him. It came slowly but surely. Picking up pace, emotions came in a deluge.

“Mister?”

It took every control Ferid had in him to hold himself back from burying his face against Guren’s shoulder; every ounce of control just to stop the temptation of gathering Gurento him just to embrace him tightly.

He had always come back to him in a variety of ways, in a variety of forms. But meeting him in every lifetime was always like meeting him the first time.

-----

 Guren was at the rooftop of a building, gazing through his binoculars. He was tasked to conduct a surveillance in the city because of the rising number of murders in the city. As far as he was concerned, he wasassigned to that territory for nearly a month, yet he still hadn’t spotted suspicious people hanging around the area, and nor were there any news of another set of murders.

Bored, he took a gum out of his pocket, pealed the foil that wrapped it, and then put the gum inside his mouth. He looked through his binoculars again and focused on the crossing as he chewed pleasantly. His eyes widened when he spotted a felt hat donned neatly on long silver hair. He saw someone with red piercing eyes, with a boyish Europeanface looking across the street as if he was searching for something. He saw him smile somewhere. To his surprise, the person raised his eyes and looked directly at him, as if he knew that Guren was keeping an eye on him.

Guren almost swallowed his gum. He was surprised that he nearly choked. In an effort to cough out the gum, he pounded on his chest. When he was able to throw it up, he heaved to compose himself. It perplexed him, why that person looked familiar. He thought he saw him before. Pondering about this, an image of the vacant bus stop of his childhood came to him. The bubbly cackles of children echoed inside his mind likeas though he was having a trance. He closed his eyes; the image of children running playfully, chasing each other appeared like an old film in the canvas of hismind’s eye. Their giggles and chuckle sounded old, haunting. The image faded intoan an image of his child self plodding towards the bus stop, holding on to his sailor hat, clutching on his bag like his life depended on it.

A stranger’s face replaced the image of his child self. He didn’t see his face, but he heard him say, “My name is Fe...”

Guren clicked his tongue and fended off the memory. He frowned and focused on his job. When he gazed into the binoculars again, the person was gone.

But fate is such a playful thing.

Guren was allowed to take a leave for a week. It was colder now, so he wore thicker clothes. He crossed that familiar crossing; that very crossing where he just recently saw that person. He was brooding as he lumbered across the street; down trodden because of stress with his hands buried deep inside his pockets. He exhaled and continued walking. After a while, at the corner of his eye, he saw him again strutting past him with a gait that was peculiar to him. His eyes widened, as such he stopped for awhile and followed him with his gaze. He disappeared in the sea of people like a mirage. Guren thought that he must have imagined him.

Disappointed, he walked away.

----

 Guren was on his way home. He hadn’t returned to his parents’ home for nearly five years. Curious as he was, he wanted to visit that old bus stop again—the bus stop where he thought he had met that person.

It was not an easy thing to do, because it still made him nervous; it still made him scared. There was something that was ominous about that place. But he still decided to go to figure something out.

Like always, the street was devoid of people. It was still eerily cold and gloomy. The birds still twittered such a disturbing sound that still made him feel scared. Walking in that old street, he saw someone sitting at the bus stop, singing a muffled tune. He recognized it as row your boat. Guren felt a weird warmth prick at his chest at the sound of a sweet hum wafting in the air.

Guren went closer; he saw that the stranger was wearing a bonnet, an expensive overcoat, and was gripping something in his hand. He had silver hair that fell on his shoulders neatly. Guren couldn’t believe it was the same person that he saw just days before.

Ferid heard Guren come. He didn’t try to avoid him. He waited, excruciatingly, basking in the sound of Guren’s footsteps. A figure loamed over him; it was Guren. He now stood just a meter away from him. Guren gazed down at him with his stern, laconic face devoid of any warmth. He fluttered his lashes, and then sat heavily on the seat, slumping against the seat. Feridfelt shivers ran down his arm. He stopped humming, and raised his eyes and took a quick glance at his companion. He was surprised when he turned and Gurenwas already gazing at him intently with eyes leaden with questions.

A pause. They were just looking at each other as though they were in a stare down. The wind blew filling in the silence between the two of them. Guren, broke the ice,

“Have we met before?” Guren asked, almost an affront.

What would Ferid reply?  He didn’t know.  But he had to think of something, anything.

“No~This is the first time we met.” Ferid flashed a fake smile at Guren.

“But it feels like we’ve met before.”

They stared into each other’s eyes. Ferid felt like Guren was directly looking at his soul. Self conscious, Ferid looked away. It was the same comfortable feeling that was enveloping him now; the same calmness that was slowly coming on to him, and it was making him a little bit giddy, like a school girl in love.

Guren scooted closer to him, still looking at him. He edged closer and closer, and closer until their hands were almost touching.

“What’s your name?” Guren drawled. His breathe of menthol and chocolate hot against the other’s skin.

Ferid furrowed his eyebrows, but still he managed to raise his eyes to Guren and flash a wry smile. In response, Guren just stared at Ferid, his chest bloating with warmth and his cheeks a little flustered. He wanted to be closer, so he edged a little bit closer to him, and flickered his eyes at the other’s lips; it was an instinctual response.

Ferid noticed this and was feeling awkward. But he didn’t let Guren see this. He just smiled as he wondered whether or not he should tell him his name, no matter how many times he asked for it. Just as he was hesitating, the feeling of wanting to be remembered for just a little while possessed him, and it was stronger than he had imagined. He moved away.

“My name is Ferid.” He succumbed; he looked away in a chaste and graceful manner like how a lady would act around a suitor.

“I’m Guren. It seems to me that you’re not from here.”Gurensaid, staring intently at him with those purple eyes of his.

Ferid almost laughed, this was the same conversation that they had before with almost the same replies from himself. He went with the flow,

“Oh, I did come from faraway~”

“You don’t seem like a stranger to me; its as if I’ve known you for a long time already.”

“I..” Ferid’s voice trembled now, his eyes searching as he felt Guren’s fingers graze his knuckles.

“I don’t mean to creep you out but it really feels that way to me.”Guren pondered.

Feridgiggled and just like the previous time they met, he hesitantly reached out to caress Guren’s cheek, no longer flabby but now well shaped and angular. He dropped his hands before he could touch him.

“Ah~ Is that so?”

“Hey, will I be able to see you around here again?”

Ferid fluttered his lashes in disbelief; his nervous hands clenching and unfurling.

“I’m afraid, no dear~ I actually live in Tokyo. I just came back here.”

“I just came back here too, to confirm something and then I found you.”

Guren blushed slightly at what he said, “Oh forget it.” Guren scratched the back of his head, stood up, and said,

“I have to go now. Nice meeting you.. ah..” Guren looked down embarrassed. “Ferid.”

Ferid looked up at him a little bit panicked. He wanted him to stay awhile. When Guren turned to leave. He grabbed the tip of his jacket, making Guren stare back at him, eyes wide. Ferid slipped something in his hand and smiled at him.

---

Everything didn’t really seem difficult. In fact, everything seemed to be going well: Ferid gave Guren a distraction from his stress at work. They spend time together as much as they could. Gurenfor the most part had already came into terms with his feelings. He just accepted it as it is and was perfectly happy with what he had with Ferid.

Gurenhad beenbusy because his surveillance work was still ongoing. Feridmost of the time  visited him at his apartment, and offer to cook for him.

Ferid knew that Guren’s work was tedious. He knew that it also involved putting his life on the line. Since he had been given the chance to be close to him, he wanted to be there for him, even if there was still some hesitation that he could not shrug off; even if there was still doubt, that maybe, it would still be better if he stayed away from him. But what was he to do?

On the other hand, for Guren, Feridbecame a habit; he became a routine; perhaps even an addiction. EverytimeGuren came home to his apartment, he always foundFerid in the kitchen, wearing his red apron, his hair tied in a lovely bun cooking for him. The smell of thick powder of flour wafting in the air in ribbons; the scent of broil and soup and beef would tickle his nose. He would feel blessed, that even if he was a brooding, lazy jerk sometimes, he still had something like this waiting for him when he came home.

Sometimes when he was not busy, he would ask Ferid if he could come to Ferid’s apartment to share a cup of coffee and just talk about random things. Even if he had the keys to Ferid’s apartment, Guren’s visits were always at an appointed time. This was also one of the things that he was conscious about. He felt insecure just thinking about himself being just an extra in Ferid’s life. He didn’t really know what he is to Ferid. Were they just people who wanted to fill each other’s loneliness? Were they just two people trying to figure out the attraction that they mutually felt towards each other andtry tofigure out whether or not what they hadwas the thing people write poems about? Guren didn’t know. He never thought of anything as deep as this before.

On top of that, they still haven’t had sex. They still haven’t kissed nor touched beyond holding each other’s hands.

Guren found it hilarious that such a thing could really happen. He was not one who would hold back when lust overcame him. But whenever he is with Ferid; whenever he looks at him being his innocent, joyful self with no motivation of wanting to have sex. No matter how he wanted to touch him, he could never try.Whenever it was like that, he was embarrassed at himself. He would crinkle his nose, rub it, and breathe out just to fend off the feeling of wanting to touch him. He knew too, that he wasn’t really a good partner, a good boyfriend for that matter.

Sometimes, he forgot that what they both had didn’t really have any labels. He really couldn’t say that they were lovers. For how can two people who meet each other and not have sex be lovers? They can be regarded as friends, but it did not necessarily encapsulate the entirety of their relationship. They had romantic feelings for each other so they can’t be friends. Then what were they?

His mind was always filled with thoughts of Ferid, their relationships and how much he didn’t want this all to ever end. Because he liked being with him; even if sometimes Ferid was a jerk; even if sometimes he would point out Guren’s flaws without mincing his words; even if he would do things that would sometimes piss Guren off because of anticipating things too much, because of planning things too much. Ferid thinks too much, really.

But this is the reason why they work well with each other. Ferid completes him; fill in his gaps. He too, completes Ferid, fills in the void in Ferid’s soul that the other had always been trying to satisfy but could not.

---

 Feridcame to his apartment. He brought his wine and cooked for Guren.Ferid was a good cook. And for that Guren was a very lucky man.

Across from him, Feridsmiled coquettishly and asked him about his day. It was the usual round of conversation that they usually shared. He talked about what he had done at work like some sort of daily report to Ferid. Ferid always listened to them with all ears, commenting from time to time whenever Gurenstarted complaining about his work. He told Ferid the murders had completely stopped. It was weird, but they still had to be high on alert. Ferid looked at him with curious eyes. He narrowed them with purpose and drank his wine in one full swig.

Ferid checked the time and excused himself. He was saying that he needed to go. Guren frowned. He followed Ferid with his eyes and then stood up to follow him to the door. When Feridtook his jacket on the clothes rack, Guren grabbed his arm to stop him from going.

Guren raised his eyes seemingly trying to figure out about the state of the weather. He let go, leaned on the wall and crossed his arms over his chest. Putting on his weight on his left foot.

“It’s probably snowing hard outside. Just stay for the night.”

“Worried about me? Oh, that’s so sweet of you darling Guren~” Ferid giggled, coy, and very much a tease. His lips curled in an amused grin.

Guren rolled his eyes. He wanted Ferid to stay. The room just somehow feels lonelier whenever he was gone.

“Oh~ If you want me to stay, you better tell me a good reason why I should take you up on your offer. hmmm,” Ferid thought purposely, “Think of something good and worth while that will appease me.”Ferid smiled--that smile of his that was bordering on annoying.

Guren frowned and looked at Ferid. He pondered. When he came into a conclusion, without any hesitation, he put back Ferid’s overcoat on the clothes rack and then lifted him up, carrying him bridal style, taking Ferid by surprise.

“Guren!”

Ferid acted like a damsel in distress about to be ravished.

“Oh golly~ brute, kidnapper! Somebody help me.”

“You. You really overdramatic things like this don’t you?” Gurencomplained, feeling awkward.

“Dear, I’m just kidding~ please be a sport for once and humor me will you?”

“Haven’t I humored you enough?”

Ferid shook his head.

“No. Never. You never indulged me in my games. You always brood and crease your thick eyebrows and ponder about things, and curse your job to hell all the time~ so you really almost always just give me the cold shoulder whenever I try to crack my perfectly crafted jokes that I am quite sure would bless your ears.

“Ah~ And put me down please.”

“No.”

“But why?” Ferid whined. He swung his legs aggressively in an effort to break free from Guren’s clutch.

“You never stay the night. You never let me stay at your place too. If I let you go now, you’re going toreally leave.” Guren cleared his throat. The things that he was saying embarrassed him.

Ferid snuggled against his chest and acted like a cat by nuzzling his head against Guren’s shoulder.

“Ah~ what a brute you are. Then please take me to bed.”Ferid wrapped his arms around Guren’s neck and embraced him.

“I’m doing just that. No need to order me.”

---

 “Shall I prepare the bath for you?”

“Oh please do~ Thank you dear.” Ferid paused, and then grinned. He added, “Do you want to go in together? Guren-s-a-m-a? <3”

Guren blushed. Whenever Ferid’s being like that, he couldn’t help but get turned on a bit. He threw a towel at Ferid. The towel landed on Ferid’s face, covering the other’s playful grin.

“Hey! That was rude.” Came a muffled complaint.

“Shut up and take a bath already!”

Ferid took away the towel away from his face.

“Guren, stingy!” Feridwhined. He pouted, turned on his heels and strutted into the bathroom.

Guren can’t believe how Ferid can be so insufferable sometimes. But he still loved this part of him.

---

 Both of them were done bathing. Ferid was drying his hair using a towel, while Guren was combing his hair. Guren was throwing furtive glances at him. Ferid was only wearing Guren’s large polo shirt with only boxers underneath. His long legs were exposed. They were creamy, pale, and with the perfect amount of muscle and bone. Ferid massaged his scalp sensually, as though Guren was looking at a shampoo advertisement that wasn’t proper to be an advertisement because it showcased something that could arouse.Cocking his head to the side, and exposing his pale neck, Guren felt hot and bothered just looking at him.

Ferid didn’t seem to notice this, or so Guren thought. He had no idea, that Ferid knew what he was thinking; he didn’t know that Ferid was actually burning with embarrassment—embrassment and amusement really. Ferid had always liked the attention he was getting from Guren. He always liked the fact that Guren found him irresistible. And as such, he had always put on a show for him; teased him; lured him.

When he finished drying his hair, he walked past Guren and went to the bathroom to hang the towel. Guren followed him with his gaze. He couldn’t get his eyes off Ferid’s hips, and the plump of his ass that he could see through the white cloth of his shirt.

Ferid came back grinning at him; his eyes mere chinks, as if he was hiding something that he would like Guren to force out of him.

“Ne, where am I going to sleep?”

“Here.” Guren pointed on the bed and then added with a sneer, “On the bed with me, of course.”

Ferid’s facial muscles went taut. Hestared at Guren pensively. He thought he heard it wrong.

“Kindly say that again.”Ferid smiled that ominous smile of his.

“You’re sleeping in bed with me.”

“Ah~ Guren, dear, do you really want to sleep with me that much? I’m shocked and horrified.”Ferid embraced himself dramatically as though afraid that his chastity would be taken away.

“Quit it. I’m not going to force you to do anything.” Guren patted the back of his head. “I just want to sleep beside you.”

Ferid was surprised at Guren’s words.

“Aah~” Ferid hummed. “I like the sound of it. I’ll sleep beside you then.”

Ferid was nervous of course. He had been nervous from the very beginning, ever since he sensed that Guren might want to make him stay the night. He couldn’t entirely understand his feelings. He was happy but at the same time there was a sense of foreboding that he was feeling. There was fear. He was afraid of being too deep in this.

He tells himself he should try.

Ferid sat beside Guren. He fiddled with his fingers and waited for Guren to say something. Guren stood up, turned off the lights, and turned on the night shade. The sallow light illuminated the room.Ferid followed Guren and slipped into the covers after him. They just lay there beside each other staring at the ceiling without speaking.

Ferid closed his eyes, he listened to the sound of Guren’s heartbeat. It was such a calming sound. He flared his noise and inhaled the smell of soap and powder that wafted in the air—Guren’s smell.

He too smelled of Guren now. He was covered in Guren’s scent, and he felt comfortable.

Guren turned to Ferid, looking at him as he lay there beside him. He turned to his side just to gaze at him more. Even after how many times he looked at Ferid, he still found him beautiful. It was not the usual way he found girls beautiful. Ferid was beautiful because of the elegance in his features, the softness of the lines that make him up, and how it is mixed with angles and ridges, and curves and lines. Furthermore, he was beautifulbecause hewas a mix of calmness and chaos; of light spring rain and downpour; of innocence and sensuality. And he compliments the rage that was in Guren.

“Ferid,”Guren whispered. He wanted to touch him just a bit. He wanted to feel his body against his.

“Yes?”

Guren shifted his gaze. He was hesitating to ask Ferid about what he wanted to do. But he must.

“May I embrace you?” It was hard for Guren to be polite. He was never polite. As a consequence, he was blushing really hard.

Ferid opened his eyes and turned on his side to look at Guren. He was surprised at the gentleness in Guren’s voice. This wassomething new toFerid’s ears. Ferid blinked as he gazed atGuren. A faint smiled painted over his mouth as he scooted closer to Guren. He leaned in and bumped their foreheads together.

“Of course, please embrace me. I’m always cold right? Warm me up.”

Guren tugged Ferid and embraced him, letting him rest on his chest. He ran his hand through Ferid’s hair and kissed the other’s temple.

“We are dating.”

“We are, aren’t we? It looks like we are. Even if I didn’t say anything to that effect.”

“Could we? Can I be with you?

“Of course~ I’d be with you too. This isn’t something that is vague right? This is already a matter of fact. I am yours and you are mine.”

“Ah.May I kiss you?”

Ferid raised his head and gazed into Guren’s violet eyes.

“You want to?”

“I’ve always been wanting to kiss you, you know. For awhile now.”

Ferid smiled. He shuffled on the bed, giggling, being playful. He proppedhimself upon the bed using his elbow as support. He just stared at Guren. Looking at Guren’s handsome face, he reached out to touch him. He really loved Guren’s purple eyes; his unruly hair that was sometimes distracting when he didn’t comb it; his thick eyebrows and his sharp eyes that always looked judgmental.

Feridwas still nervous. His hands were stiff, and if he had the capacity to fluster, he knew that this is the time for him to blush like a tomato. He pressed his fingertips together. It was one thing to pretend these things didn’t bother him, and one thing to hide what he was truly feeling. He had to act like how he usually does, like the usual Ferid, so playfully he hums,

“You may my dear~”

Ferid closed his eyes.

Gurenroused himself to kissFerid on the mouth. Ferid opened his eyes prematurely. As a consequence, he saw Guren’sface come closer. He saw how Guren’s closed his eyes shut as he was about to kiss him, and that made him feel something clench inside of him. His ears perked up. He heard Guren’s heartbeat, loud and frantic, and it was making him dizzy. When he finally felt Guren’s soft lips on his, he fought the urge to cry.

This was their first kiss.

It was tender and sweet; the complete opposite of anything that was Guren. Gurenwas brash, reticent, and almost unattached sometimes. But that kiss told Ferid another thing: it told him that this time around, Guren belonged to him.

Guren withdrew, flustered. He couldn’t look Ferid straight in the eyes.

“What’s wrong?”

“I can’t believe your lips would taste that good. Crap, I’m.. I think I’m..”

Feridleaned in this time, and kissed him. He withdrew, then smiled mischievously at Guren who was flustered and already breathing heavily. Bedroom eyes roamed on Guren’s curled mouth. Ferid was getting into the mood himself.

“Kiss me again.” Ferid purred.

Guren smiled wryly. He tucked a lock of hair behind Ferid’s ear, held his face in place and then leaned in to kiss him again.

Guren kissed him softly. Then, his mouth started moving, sucking on Ferid’s mouth. In increments, the passion in his kisses got more intense. He tilted his head, tightening his hold on Ferid and breathing on Ferid’s mouth as he lifted his lips after planting lingering kisses on the soft skin.

Ferid couldn’t help but moan. He opened his mouth slightly, and at that moment, Gurenpushed his tongue inside. Guren’s mouth tasted sweet. His breath of mint toothpaste made Ferid unable to resist him.At the outset Ferid was passive. But as Guren challenged his tongue, he found himself kissing him back with the same intensity. Hands idly lying on the mattress were now clenched on the sheets. Hands that were clenched now roamedGuren’sarm and waist. Clasped fingers tightened, and before Ferid knew it, he was already pulling him close, tilting his head and moaning inside Guren’s mouth. Sucking on Guren’s tongue, nibbling those cracked lips of his, Ferid was tempted to see blood. He opened his mouth for a more intense kiss, burying his fingers under layers of Guren’s thick hair, gripping and then pulling them.

Kissing Guren made Ferid feel like wax melting from being exposed to fire. He was melting, and he could no longer think straight nor judge the situation he was in using a rational mind. He just wanted to cling to Gurenlike that, to grab him, yank him towards him and just kiss him with abandon; kiss him with a kiss that he had been holding back for years; for lifetimes.

Guren’s hand travelled downFerid’s bottom.  He groped his ass, making Ferid jolt at the sensation he was feeling. He panted, “Guren, ah~”

Guren continued to fondle him. He kissed Ferid’s cheek, and planted wet kisses down on theother’s neck. He bit  Ferid’s shoulder and moaned, “Crap, I can’t hold back.

“Guren~”

“Tell me to stop and I’ll stop.”

“Don’t stop. Ah~ I want you, ” Ferid panted.

Guren undressed Ferid; it was like an unwrapping of a gift. He teased his parts and licked him. Ferid on the other hand was busy undressing him too. He moaned against Guren’s skin. He licked his flesh and was holding the urge to bite. He licked the mark on Guren’s shoulder and planted wet kisses on it.

Guren couldn’t help but harden to his full length at the way Ferid licked him. His mouth circling against his skin, sucking, made him insane. He couldn’t help but imagine his mouth encircle his member. Ferid was breathing hard. He was fighting the urge to suck Guren’s blood. He swore to himself that he wouldn’t, but he was just too delicious. He was just too tempting.

Finally succumbing to his urge, Ferid bit Guren on the neck and sucked.

“Ferid, what are you…”

The sensation of being bled was unlike anything Guren had experienced. He felt weak. He clung to Ferid with desperation. Lust overwhelmed him. Ferid licked the wound that he had left Guren and then pushed Guren on the bed. At the corner of his mouth, blood trailed down. Ferid looked like a murderer. But rather than fear, Guren felt something else; it was submission.

Feridjust stared at him. He didn’t say anything. He just stood up. Guren knew what he was thinking.  He was going to runaway from him. And so, with every ounce of energy he had left in his body,Gurengrabbed him. He wrapped his arms around Ferid’s waist and embraced him.

“Don’t go.”

Ferid with his glassy eyes just stared down at him. Guren knew that whenever he was like this, whenever his joyful face turned stern and grave, he was being difficult on himself.

“But I hurt you..”Ferid’s voice faltered.

Guren tightened his embrace on Ferid.

“It surprised me a little bit, but… it won’t make me scared of you.”

Ferid turned around. He cupped Guren’s face and looked at him with adoration in his eyes. Then he embraced him. They rolled in bed: Ferid snuggled close to Guren and allowed himself to be pet.

That night, Ferid watched Guren sleep, afraid that when the sun comes up, Guren would change his mind, about everything.

---

 The rays of the sun filtered inside the bedroom, dappling both Ferid and Guren’s figures. It was Saturday morning. Guren was still fast asleep in bed.Ferid went to the kitchen to prepare breakfast and to make coffee for both of them. When he was done making coffee and cooking a pair of pancakes for Guren, Ferid sat on the table and drank his coffee peacefully.

Guren’s apartment felt like it was a place made just for them. It felt like home. Well, anywhere where Guren was was home. Ferid remembered something. He went to get his bag. When he returned he was holding a cream paper, ragged on the edges and had blots of brown spots on its surface because of age. The musty smell wafting from its sheet still had the same calming effect on him. It brought him back to the very first time he and Guren met in this lifetime.

---

 “What’s wrong mister? Why do you look sad?”

“Oh no dear. I’m not.”

“Is there something on my shoulder? Are you sick? You’re so cold, you sting.”

“Araa~ Guren-kun..”Guren grabbed Ferid’s hand, surprising the latter.

“Child~ you shouldn’t talk to strangers. I might be a bad person you know.”

“I thought of that. But no bad person would tell me something like what you just told me.” Guren glanced around,

“And.. this place scares me more mister.”

At this, Guren clutched his bag and burrowed his chin on top of his bag, letting Ferid’s hand go. He pouted.

“Ahahah~ aren’t you the cutest thing? You are embarrassed!”

“No I’m not!”

“Oh yes you are~”

“Am not.”

“Oh well, whatever suits you.” Ferid shrugged.

They fell silent. Ferid’s soft laughter turned into the eerie rustle of the leaves, to swirling foliage and to the tap tap tap of Guren’s calf against the old bench.

Guren started humming row your boat again. When idea came to him, he stopped humming and took something out of his bag.

Ferid turned to him, curious at what the child was up to.

“Here! You can have this mister, this will cheer you up.”

Ferid looked closely at the card little Guren offered him. He squinted his eyes and leaned in a bit, slowly closing in. His hair fell softly as he leaned, so he tucked a lock behind his ear. He smiled bit, making the child blush.

“Uwaaa~ I’m honored. Isn’t this sweet of you to give this precious little thing to a stranger like me?”

“Not really.” Guren averted his eyes.

“Our teacher said to write a love letter toa person we’ll love in the near future. You are beautiful mister. And I want to marrya beautiful person someday.”

Ferid took the card, breathe in its scent. It had the scent of innocence and purity of a child; of sunbeams and daisies; of happiness.

He decided that whenever he missed Guren he could always read the letter.

----

 Ferid started reading. He was greeted by Guren’s childish scribble,

Dear Person I am going to love in the future,

Wherever you are I know I will love you more then candy. When we grow up we will have our own house. I hope it is as big as my house. I hope I find you soon. I hope you like cats because I love them very much Shinya loves them and so does Mom.

Love,

Guren

 Ferid had read the letter a thousand times already, but it still never fails to make him smile.

“Hey! What are you doing grinning like that?”

Ferid raised his eyes and was surprised to see Guren walking towards him with horrible bed hair. He sat on the letter to hide it from Guren.

“Nothing dear~ I’m just thinking of how brilliant you were last night. Mmmmm~ ”

Guren scratched the back of his head. Ferid noticed that there was something that was bothering him. His gaze shifted to the puncture wound on Guren’s shoulder and frowned.

“I’ve always thought you were mysterious Ferid. But I didn’t.. know you were…”

Ferid was already prepared for whatever Gurenwould say.

“A Vampire?Nosferatu? Vampyr? Ah~ What other names have you associated creatures like me? Pray tell.”

“But you can have sex..”

Ferid chortled a chuckle.

“Oh~ about that… We didn’t have sex though?”

“Oh right. I totally forgot.”Guren rolled his eyes.

He sauntered towards Ferid and kissed his crown.

“Still mine.”

Ferid’s eyes widened. He didn’t know what to feel. But to assure Guren nothing was bothering him, he tried to be his joyful self.

“Yes still yours dear~ I’ve prepared your breakfast. Eat first and then we’ll go out and have fun.”

“Nah, can we just lay in bed again?”Guren leaned down kissed him on the neck. Ferid grabbed him by the arm as a consequence.

“That tickles! You’re going to jump me again aren’t you?”

Guren withdrew, flustered. Noticing Guren’s embarrassment, Ferid added,

“But I wouldn’t mind it dear~ so rest assured.”

Guren pouted. His eyebrows formed a crease. He stood up. He was now blushing really hard. It puzzled Ferid why he was being like that. He was always composed when it came to his feelings.

“I love you.”Guren said, almost in a whisper.

Ferid’s eyes widened. He almost blushed. He felt awkward hearing Guren’s confession. He had told him something of that kind before on their first date, but hearing him say it now, with his face red and clearly embarrassed, he couldn’t help but feel embarrassed himself.And seeing Guren act unlike himself; seeing him reduced to this blushing fool,Ferid felt odd. He shifted his eyes from left to right and was overcome by a mix of happiness and awkwardness.

“Your reply?”

Ferid felt cornered.

“I need to hear it Ferid. Or I’ll die.”

Guren might have been acting weird, but his pushy character was still intact.

Ferid stood up. He took Guren’s hand and stared intently into his eyes. Guren was frowning. He looked angry. Ferid smiled sweetly, genuinely at him. He cupped Guren’s face and kissed him on the forehead, then on the eyelids, on the tip of his nose, and lastly on the mouth. Ferid withdrew and stared into Guren’s violet eyes. He embraced Guren, feeling all of him; cradling all of him.

“I love you dear.”

I have been loving you all this time.