#gug sam

Patty: WHOO!

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Sam: We're going to drink magic thinking juice until we figure out what to do.

Flick: Magic thinking juice?

Sam: Beer.

Kato: That would explain why you nailed a grand piano to the ceiling.

Sam: Did it or did it not fit in the room that way, Mr. Complainy?

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Alicia: You’re a good friend, Juni.

Juniper: One of us has to be.

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Dad: closes the kitchen cabinet too roughly

muffled sound of glass crashing

Dad: You hear that sound, Sammy?

Sam, visiting the twins for the first time: Yeah?

Dad: That's the sound of somebody else's problem.

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Richard: Everyone around here is crazy!

Juniper: That’s not true

Wendy: Let me put down my bag of rubber hands and explain something to you...

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Jake: you can trust me

Bobbie: I don’t even trust the way you just now said i could trust you.

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Joel: Wendy! You’re forcing me to be the voice of reason! And it’s not a good look for me!

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Buddy: I’m totally useless.

Bobbie: You’re not totally useless. You can be used as a bad example!

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Juniper: I won't say Alicia has a "strained" relationship with the truth... She don't know the bitch. She's never met her.

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Patty: Fuck being nonchalant. I love being a chalant bitch. I have never been chill not once in my life. Even when I am asleep, I am clenching my teeth.

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Nate: It's like feeding two birds with one hand!

Juniper: …Do you mean "killing two birds with one stone"?

Nate, very serious: I would never hurt a bird

Juniper: I wake up at 4:30 AM

Jake:... I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

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Joel: Oh look, I survived! Brilliant! Love it when I do that!

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Flick: Bobbie was going to run into a metal bar so we yelled ‘duck’

Patty: She proceeded to turn and quack at us before slamming into the bar.

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Buddy: Jake’s in trouble!

Richard, not looking up: Jake's always in trouble.

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Sam: 'You'll never find the body' is such a boring threat. A better threat would be; 'You'll never stop finding the body.'

Kato: Or just say, 'They'll be finding parts of you for at least four months…and you'll still be alive for three of them.'

Nate: Now that's a threat!

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Joel: I love unnecessarily ominous statements, and I will still love them when there's nobody alive to make them.

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Charles: Jake, are you high?

Jake, clearly high: Hello. Am I what?

Bobbie: High.

Jake: Hello.

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Joel, in holding with Wendy after skipping school: Everything will be alright.

Wendy: How can you say that?

Joel: Because sometimes when things get tough, denial is all we have.

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*During the CnS campaign*

Joel: you’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens-

explosions are heard from his tape recorder

Joel: …but I made a mistake.

Kato:...roll for initiative McGee.

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Juniper: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Alicia: What changed your mind?

Juniper: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

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Richard: Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?

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Mort with his gang: Why can’t we all just get along?

Patty: Because most of you are assholes.

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Joel: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Charles: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Joel: Yeah, they're all birds.

Nate: *falls over laughing*

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Coach: Fletcher, is that a gun?

Jake, deciding against all odds that he’s going to gaslight himself out of this situation: what gun.

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Sam to Juniper: I’m in love with you. You just want to be friends. And I’m totally cool living with that constant pain.

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Charles: Oh, give me patience.

Patty: I think you mean 'give me strength.'

Charles: If it gave me strength, you'd be dead.

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The Lad to the other mentors: Are any of you happy?