Patty: WHOO!

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Sam: We're going to drink magic thinking juice until we figure out what to do.

Flick: Magic thinking juice?

Sam: Beer.

Kato: That would explain why you nailed a grand piano to the ceiling.

Sam: Did it or did it not fit in the room that way, Mr. Complainy?

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Alicia: You’re a good friend, Juni.

Juniper: One of us has to be.

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Dad: closes the kitchen cabinet too roughly

muffled sound of glass crashing

Dad: You hear that sound, Sammy?

Sam, visiting the twins for the first time: Yeah?

Dad: That's the sound of somebody else's problem.

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Richard: Everyone around here is crazy!

Juniper: That’s not true

Wendy: Let me put down my bag of rubber hands and explain something to you...

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Jake: you can trust me

Bobbie: I don’t even trust the way you just now said i could trust you.

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Joel: Wendy! You’re forcing me to be the voice of reason! And it’s not a good look for me!

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Buddy: I’m totally useless.

Bobbie: You’re not totally useless. You can be used as a bad example!

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Juniper: I won't say Alicia has a "strained" relationship with the truth... She don't know the bitch. She's never met her.

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Patty: Fuck being nonchalant. I love being a chalant bitch. I have never been chill not once in my life. Even when I am asleep, I am clenching my teeth.

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Nate: It's like feeding two birds with one hand!

Juniper: …Do you mean "killing two birds with one stone"?

Nate, very serious: I would never hurt a bird

Juniper: I wake up at 4:30 AM

Jake:... I want to see you at some point every day for the rest of our lives

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Joel: Oh look, I survived! Brilliant! Love it when I do that!

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Flick: Bobbie was going to run into a metal bar so we yelled ‘duck’

Patty: She proceeded to turn and quack at us before slamming into the bar.

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Buddy: Jake’s in trouble!

Richard, not looking up: Jake's always in trouble.

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Sam: 'You'll never find the body' is such a boring threat. A better threat would be; 'You'll never stop finding the body.'

Kato: Or just say, 'They'll be finding parts of you for at least four months…and you'll still be alive for three of them.'

Nate: Now that's a threat!

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Joel: I love unnecessarily ominous statements, and I will still love them when there's nobody alive to make them.

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Charles: Jake, are you high?

Jake, clearly high: Hello. Am I what?

Bobbie: High.

Jake: Hello.

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Joel, in holding with Wendy after skipping school: Everything will be alright.

Wendy: How can you say that?

Joel: Because sometimes when things get tough, denial is all we have.

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*During the CnS campaign*

Joel: you’ll have a hard time believing this because it never happens-

explosions are heard from his tape recorder

Joel: …but I made a mistake.

Kato:...roll for initiative McGee.

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Juniper: When I met you I thought you were a real bitch.

Alicia: What changed your mind?

Juniper: Oh, I still think you’re a bitch, I’ve just grown to like that about you.

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Richard: Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?

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Mort with his gang: Why can’t we all just get along?

Patty: Because most of you are assholes.

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Joel: I am an expert at identifying birds.

Charles: Okay, what about those ones flying over there?

Joel: Yeah, they're all birds.

Nate: *falls over laughing*

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Coach: Fletcher, is that a gun?

Jake, deciding against all odds that he’s going to gaslight himself out of this situation: what gun.

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Sam to Juniper: I’m in love with you. You just want to be friends. And I’m totally cool living with that constant pain.

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Charles: Oh, give me patience.

Patty: I think you mean 'give me strength.'

Charles: If it gave me strength, you'd be dead.

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The Lad to the other mentors: Are any of you happy?

Mort, standing a safe distance away: Yeah, but do you wack?

Joel:

Joel: I don’t bite.

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Charles: I don’t know about this, Jake.

Jake: The last time you said that Hoffer you ended up loving it.

Charles: The last time I said that you were holding a bag of durian flavored chips; now you’re holding a roman candle. They are two very different things.

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Nate: You remind me of a Russian doll.

Alicia: Aw, thank yo—

Nate: Full of yourself.

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Kato: If anyone has any questions, ask me.

Bobbie: If a bear and a shark had a fight, who would win?

Kato: ... If anyone has any RELEVANT questions, ask me.

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Wendy (a warlock): Do we not have a plan?

Sam, playing barbarian: Who needs a plan? I’ve got an axe.

Sam: *starts running ahead*

Kato, the very tired DM: An axe is not a plan!!!

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Flick: One time Jake and Juniper were having a heated argument in the car and Juniper took Jake's Queen tape out of the player and threw it out the window with rage and Jake looked her dead in the eyes and pulled out a second copy of that same tape and put it back in the player.

Buddy:...And Jake’s still alive?

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Dad: Tell your mother everything is fine.

Joel: Hey, Mom! We haven't eaten for days, your plants are dead, and I'm dropping out of school. Love ya, bye!

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Kato: What? Didn't I specifically tell you not to do specifically, exactly just that?

Alex: Actually, specifically, you said not to *humiliate* you by doing that. So, we won't!

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Richard: 99% of the time, whenever random violent crap happens, it seems you're somehow involved!

Joel: Can't you have a little faith in that last 1%?

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Buddy: *screams*

Joel: *screams louder to establish dominance*

Flick, concerned: Um, shouldn’t we do something?

Patty: No, I want to see who wins this time.

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Jake: Fun fact of the day: pen ink tastes like almonds..... don't try to suck the ink out of your pens kids it's disgusting and makes your mouth feel funny.

Patty: Why would you even do that?

Jake *shrugs*: I was bored.

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Bobbie at Alicia’s house: I love jacuzzis!

Bobbie: Sometimes I pretend that I'm getting captured by witches and they're using me to make soup!

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Juniper: I know this is going to sound sarcastic, but this is a great plan and I’m really impressed with you guys.

Buddy:

Nate:

Sam: Don’t listen to her, this is a great plan.

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Wendy: Kato, are you sure you don't wanna use my graduation speech? It goes like this: Later, losers.

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Alicia: Due to enormous personal flaws I refuse to work on, I will be arriving extremely late with an iced coffee. Please respect that.

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Juniper: I am so hungover. I have never been this hungover. Are we dead?

Alex: I feel great, I ran 5k this morning.

Flick: Really?

Alex: No I threw up in the shower.

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Joel: My life is a cautionary tale, but like a cool, flashy one that instead of inspiring people to do better it inspires them to be more chaotic

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Juniper: can we go to a haunted house?

Mom: what’s wrong with the one we live in?

Joel: wh- wait what?!

Mom: goodnight Children.

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Humphrey: Mr. Jake, what’s your favorite food?

Jake, deadpan: Children.

Flick: JACOB!

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Nate: Are you crazy?

Joel: Legally no, there's not a word for my condition.

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Charles: [casually taking four stairs at a time]

Wendy, falling behind: Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, fu-

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Kato: Dear people who won’t stop asking- Yes, I am actually feeling fine, and yes, I really have been getting a decent amount of sleep at night!

Kato *bites into an onion*

Kato: Hey, this apple tastes like shi-

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Richard: *puts a cup down over a spider*

Joel: *appears; smiles; puts 2 more cups down beside Jay’s*

Richard: Come on, Joel, please no, don’t… DON’T—

Joel: *starts shuffling the cups*

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Jake: Hoffer, in your professional opinion, how would I die?

Charles: Murder. Gangland style execution. We never find your head.

Nate: That’s a shame.

Patty: *slightly raises finger in question*

Charles: You slip in a tub.

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Buddy about Jake: I'd follow him to hell and back, but I wish he'd stop going there.

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Bobbie: I love to dismiss my horrible decisions by saying "yeah that was a weird time in my life" as if the rest of my existence hasn't been absolute clown shoes.

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Alicia: I have met some of the most insufferable people. But they also met me.

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Juniper: When I was small-

Charles: Actually, Kato, after all these years, I just sort of go with it.

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Juniper: What’s your plan?

Jake: Don’t die.

Juniper: Okay, but beyond that?

Jake: Don’t die.

Juniper: That’s not a plan. It’s a general demand of living.

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Richard: The word "incident" isn't reassuring.

Alex: Then you're gonna hate the phrase "intentional grease fire".

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Sam: If a beautiful woman disagrees with me I will immediately change my views. I have no principles.

Flick: Well, maybe you should have principles.

Sam: You're right maybe I should.

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-

Nathan, drunk: what's the word for when your hands are bisexual?

Charles: do you mean ambidextrous?

Nathan: i love you so much.

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Bobbie: If something happened to Richard …I couldn’t live with myself. Of course I wouldn’t have to because Juniper would kill me.

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Patty: I was arrested for being too cool.

Wendy: the charges were dropped due to a lack of supporting evidence.

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Joel (other MC): And then I come home to find you chewing on my twin sister’s face!

Jake: We were kissing.

Joel: Guilty!

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Coach: “Become a teacher” they said, “It’ll be fun” they said

Joel, from the dugout: PUT IT OUT, PUT IT OUT!

Sam: it’s to big to smother, get the reverse flame thrower!!

Flick: it’s called a fire extinguisher!

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Alicia: I’m never wrong. I thought i was wrong one time, but i was wrong.

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Bobbie, after fucking something up: Whoops

Joel: Whoops? WHOOPS? this is not a “whoops” situation. we are far past whoops. whoops is a distant speck in the rearview mirror. we are solidly in “oh fuck” territory, and i expect you to act like it.

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Juniper: This is such a bad idea.

Jake: Then why are you coming along?

Juniper: One of us need to be able to talk the police out of arresting us when this inevitably goes wrong.

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Patty: What’s the best thing to wear to court? A law suit!

Joel:

Juniper: Is this your way of telling us you have a court date?

Patty: It’s my third offense!

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Jake: When I was little, I wanted Spider Man powers, so I found a spider and let it bite me. Later that day my parents took me to a doctor and I got diagnosed with ADHD.

- Her middle name is Elizabeth.

- Oldest Twin.

- Writing and Cells & Sorcery were her sole hobbies.

- Juniper likes to snoop and get in people's business. She combines this with writing and becomes a Journalist. 

- Her best friends are Richard, Charles, Flick, and Bobbie

- Casual friends with Nathan, Kato, Alex, Wendy, and Buddy.

- Frenmies with Alicia and Sam. 

- Love Interest is Jake. 

- The Mom Friend of the group.

- Juniper continues being friends with Sergio well after his mentorship of her. He ended up being a witness at her and Jake’s Las Vegas wedding along with Flick and Kato, who also decided to get married at the same time. 

- Sergio likes Jake because Jake will argue with him and Jake likes Sergio because he also cares about justice.

- Worked as a cashier at the Mall before quitting in her junior year and becoming a tutor.

- Jake's mom loves her and Juniper gets along well with Mrs. Fletcher. Mr. Fletcher and Juniper merely tolerate each other.

- Juniper and Jake have twin sons, Freddy and Felix.

- His middle name is Evan.

- Youngest by five minutes, Joel claims Juniper cheated him out of being the firstborn.

- Bowls as a hobby and played baseball throughout his school years and well into college.

- Joel and Alex buy and run the arcade. Joel also coaches Little League.

- His best friend’s are Wendy, Jake, and Kato. Gets along well with everyone else, with the exception of Alicia. Joel HATES Alicia and she hates him back.

- Has a weird enemy to friend relationship with Sam.

- Love Interest is Alex. 

- Therapist/Chaos Friend.

- Joel and The Lad remain close throughout their lives and Joel invites the man to his wedding. 

- The Lad wholeheartedly approves of Alex. 

- Worked as a Kitchen Assistant all through high school.

- Alex’s parents love him.