#gried

so, I’m in the mcyt community, and if you are as well you’d know that recently a pretty big content creator, Technoblade, has passed away. He had a really big impact on a lot of peoples lives, mine included, so there’s been quite a bit of grief. That’s not what I’m here to talk about tho.

I’ve been talking to some friends and my mom, just about how I feel in general about all of this, and some of the reactions have been. Really heartbreaking actually. My mom is trying her best, but I can see that she doesn’t really get it. I thought at first it was just because she’s apart of an older generation, but some “friends” have made me wonder differently.

When I brought up the grief and sadness I’d been feeling to these people, they gave some half-hearted condolences, but then asked why I cared so much. They started to tease me, saying that I was sad because my “crush” had died, that I must’ve been gay for him, that I was in love with him, and that’s why I was so upset. They acted like this was a big revelation. I was so shocked I didn’t even know how to respond. One of them did chime in in my “defense”, but it was just to say “no, no, remember? he’s ‘aromantic’, he doesn’t get those feelings.” Air quotes and all. It got them to shut up, but I left without saying anything else.

I still can’t process how someone could respond that horribly to a death. And the grief people felt. Of course I loved him in a way that I looked up to him as a content creator, as did many people. He was very loved. But not in a romantic way. And it shouldn’t just be assumed that it was in a romantic way. And the reason why they stopped viewing it as romantic shouldn’t be because I’m aromantic either. It feels like I’m going crazy, the assumption that I would’ve felt romantic things in this situation if it weren’t for my sexuality feels insane.

Desde que tengo memoria, su casa era un lugar seguro en cada viaje que hice a Durango. Pasábamos horas en su comedor, en su sala poniéndonos al corriente. Usted contaba historias de gente que no hasta la fecha no ubico muy bien y yo cosillas de la escuela y mis hobbies. A veces jugábamos cartas o domino, otras solo comíamos postrecitos ricos. Eso sí, usted siempre con su cigarro y su café.

Por veintiún años así fue, hasta este último. Ha pasado un año con tantas cosas en medio y su casa sigue abierta a nosotras, pero usted ya no está. El olor a cigarro sigue ahí que es casi como si en cualquier momento saldría del pasillo a recibirnos. Me parte en cachitos que por más que espere, eso no va a pasar.

Sé que si estuviera aquí me diría que no fuera tan sentimental, que fuera fuerte pero duele y sé que no va a dejar de hacerlo porque de alguna manera todavía la siento cerca. Cada vez que veo unos aretes bonitos o el restaurante que tanto le gustaba o cuando gano una partida de tercias y corridas, la siento pero quisiera que estuviera.

Tal vez por eso la veo en las estrellas, lejanas pero presentes. Ahí está usted con mis abuelos y mis tíos y sus abuelos y sus tíos y sus sobrinos en una bonita constelación que no veo pero sé que está por ahí, en algún lado. Me gustaría encontrar su estrella y esperar una señal de que está feliz, de que voy bien, de que me está cuidando, y lo más importante, de que sepa lo mucho que la quiero.

Devotional for March 11

Jesus wept.

A man of sorrows, and acquainted with grief. — We have not an high priest which cannot be touched with the feeling of our infirmities. — It became him, for whom are all things, and by whom are all things, in bringing many sons unto glory, to make the captain of their salvation perfect through sufferings. — Though he were a Son, yet learned he obedience by the things which he suffered.

I was not rebellious, neither turned away back. I gave my back to the smiters, and my cheeks to them that plucked off the hair: I hid not my face from shame and spitting.

Behold how he loved. — He took not on him the nature of angels; but he took on him the seed of Abraham. In all things it behooved him to be made like unto his brethren, that he might be a merciful and faithful high priest in things pertaining to God, to make reconciliation for the sins of the people.

So many good boys… This week we attended the funeral of Sgt. First Class (res.) Benyamin Asulin. He was 28 years old. His family lives one road above mine. This is the picture that Ben used on his LinkedIn profile. He was a Senior Systems Administrator at MyHeritage. Everyone’s heart broke seeing Ben’s mother walking behind his coffin, moaning: “Ben, Ben. My son.” She described telling him:…

I’m currently going through a divorce and my father is dying at the same time. What a surreal statement! Even as I write down that sentence I am conflicted on which one to actually feel. Either way I feel a huge loss. Either way I end up in the fetal position sobbing and crying to God for some peace. Either way my heart is breaking into a million pieces. Either way my family around me is also…

Day 181; Footnotes of What Lies Ahead

My sister-in-law’s mother was called home this week. She had been ill, but we are not the keeper of our time, no one knows when their time will end. No one knew how long she had to be with us. When the angels came for her, she was surrounded by family. Her kids, grand kids and great grand children were there for her leaving. Even though  they know she has gone home to be with the Lord, there is…