#greysexual problems

Im 23 and i think i just experienced physical attraction for the first time today. That shits cray.

that time i told my ex that i realized i thought id been sexualy attracted to them and hadn't even realized it and that i wasn't sure if i even wanted to have sex with them, and later they told me they felt like i was feeling entitled to sex with them just because they were having sex with someone else. like??? thats nearly the opposite of what i feel and what i said? but i felt so awful and blamed myself for making them feel that way, it wasn't until months later i realized it wasn't something i did or said that made them feel that way, but that was something they projected onto me. and being told that made me feel really dirty and disgusting just for having and expressing sexual attraction for one of the first times in my life, and i still feel gross

like its honest to god a complete cycle I have to go through on ao3 and it is painfully internally humiliating somehow?????? 1) " hey new fandom thing so WHERES THE BANGING IM GOING TO READ ALL OF IT" 2) "fuck yeah I'll save this shit and rec it to one thousand friends and read it 20 times" 3) "oh my god it's been two months I can't even look at these tags without turning bright red whY DO I DO THIS AT ALL" 4) "hey new fandom thing so--"

had like 2 hours of sleep and can’t focus toooo terribly well on the conference sessions I’m attending. but now all my brain has in store for me is a current preoccupation with sex. lots and lots of sex. thanks, brain.