#grandma...

my grandma died in hospice alone yesterday afternoon. we didn't find out until today. none of us really got to talk to her, despite my mom and uncle calling repeatedly.

yesterday, my mom got 2 voicemails while she was at work from the hospital just saying to call them back and "it's an emergency." she missed the calls bc, well, she was working. and by the time she was able to call them back, all they told her was that she passed.

she died alone, states away from all her family, because after the pandemic began, she lost so much of her social support. she had won awards for elder volunteer work, and used those awards to advocate for care and compassion. post-COVID, they ended the volunteer program and didn't let her rejoin. her mental health began to deteriorate pretty quickly after that. my grandma was by no means a perfect woman - she was emotionally, physically, and verbally abusive to her children. to an extreme, cruel extent. however, she was also a deeply, severely traumatized woman.

she never got the care she needed. she thought she would be too much of a burden if she ever had anyone take care of her. even though she spent all her time in her younger senior years taking care of other people. she never let anyone take care of her, and that's how she ended up spending the final year of her life states away. she left. she did do things wrong. she did do terrible things. but she still didn't deserve this. this was the product of her own actions, but also the product of living in a world that does not care about elderly disabled people or extreme trauma survivors - both of which my grandmother was. was. was. that's such. a strange thing to say. i cried a bit today with my mom. she doesn't support me in some ways, but in others she does. i'm glad that she invited me over while my dad isn't home. i'm glad she came to my home to tell me that my grandmother passed. i'm glad she understood when i started laughing and hysterically crying at the same time.

the fact people can do inexcusably harmful things and still give real love and care to others. fucks me up every time. none of us wanted my grandmother to die. we wanted her to stay with us. we wanted her to let us take care of her. we wanted her to be around people who would take care of her. we wanted to love her and have her love us.

she refused to let that happen. she purposefully hastened her death, by refusing treatment. and she had a right to do that. but she also had a right to live the last years of her life in comfort and safety, and she didn't get to do that. she chose to leave us, but the system around her pushed her to that point. i'm so. sorry. grandma. im sorry. for everything that happened to you. i'm grateful for the love and goodness you added to my life. you always made me feel loved and valued. you accepted my gender identity and sexuality in a way no one else in my family had. you were not perfect. you weren't always good. but you were still so loved.

we love you, grandma. all of us. all your children, your grandchildren, your nieces, your nephews, your great grandchildren, your cousins, your second cousins, your grandnieces and grandnephews. you brought all of us into this world. and.

you really hurt my mother. and my uncle. and i'm still not over that. but. i just. wish you. stayed.

i wish you stayed with us. we loved you.

im sorry.