#only-knives

maybe i have enough info now to try and find the church books somewhere but. i doubt i'll have access to those either.

and it would never get better because by treating me like an overly anxious person everyone just solidified in my mind that there was something innately wrong with me. instead of that. im just AuDHD and plural and disabled. and people are mean.

why couldn't people just remind me of my real worth and see that my brain worked differently instead of pushing me to become someone who wouldn't get into Situations or Be Scared of Getting Into Situations

at the end of the day, i'm a good person because i am choosing to be one. i am choosing to be considerate and open-minded. i am choosing to challenge what i've been led to believe about the world. i am choosing to tell people when i care about them. i am choosing kindness. that's all being a good person is, i think.

i dont think it's this morally pure person who never does anything wrong and always makes everyone happy. good people aren't saints. good people have made mistakes. good people have hurt someone else. good people have had harmful beliefs. good people have pissed someone off (sometimes you have to). we all do. it's inevitable.

the worst in people comes out when they do something harmful and refuse to change or remedy the situation - when they blame others for their own wrongs. everyone has a different idea on what's right and wrong. it's hard to put my own perspective into words.

but i guess, for me, a guiding principle in life is to make others feel loved. sometimes that's not possible. but it's the only pursuit that really makes me feel like anything is worth it. everything else is noise.

so. you can choose to be a good person whenever you want. a good person isn't a type of human, it's a role in the lives of others that we take on. anyone can do it. but not everyone will - either in general, or in specific situations/with certain people.

yeah well i am tired of explaining and having to defend myself so. i don't think i want to expose myself to that anymore.

it literally just adds more stress to my life. i am constantly performing the emotional and social labor for other people regarding my own fucking existence and i am Done. i need Rest.

maybe if the past 7 years didn't happen it would be different. but they did. my life is fundamentally different now, and i'm not going to waste my time taking risks on the general public.

and it sucks. i'm not happy about that. i often wonder, if i just went to a library event, could i make a friend? and i could. it's possible. i saw a cool person at the library last time i was there. so i blame myself a lot for not just sucking it up and going somewhere when i do have the spoons.

but in order to go, i'd have to deal with people making comments about my wheelchair. asking invasive questions. getting annoyed with me for having difficulty communicating. avoiding my path. nervously helping me with things without asking me first, or just doing it anyway even if i said it's fine. then, i'd be risking a massive crash afterwards from all the stimulation.

that's my barrier to entry. and i'm tired of having to push past barriers. i just want to find a place or people i can just Be with. where even if they do ask questions because they don't know some things, there's still a baseline level of respect for my privacy/autonomy, patience for me when i have a hard time with words, and openness to my sensory needs.

that's not a lot to ask, if you actually realize people have different experiences from you and humble yourself. i should not have to "be brave" or "be less sensitive." this is NOT on me. this is on YOU (general public). be kinder. be more patient. be less pushy. for the love of god.

but on the other hand, a wheelchair-accessible, bustling apartment complex in the heart of the county? with a gym? and laundry? on site? ...if they go by the 30% of income rule for rent, i'm applying.

i could do PT exercises in the gym, and do my laundry without having to leave my home or go outdoors and trigger symptoms. plus they're pet friendly so i could get a SECOND CAT! flynnie would have someone to play with since i dont have the spoons to play with him most of the time.

but i cant get too excited bc it's still in the process of being built, and there's both a lottery list and a waitlist. so. ugh.

go here. say this. do that. find this type of person. what if i cant? what if i cant???

how do i cope with having to live a life where the most accessible way for me to make friends is online, being alone all day in person?

im so tired of staring at discord chats trying to join conversations only to realize the people that get responded to are ones who have already been there for months or years. or someone will say something uncool and its just. oh not this one, on to the next. and then the servers that look good are Dead what the fuck

like im still so grateful for my moots on here. the disability and ND community here is so great. but i go anywhere else online (aside from a few subreddits) and its like. Guess I'll Die, I Do Not Fit Here

and im super bad at actually DMing anyone on here bc of the UI and anxiety

its like. accessibility barrier. social issues barrier. debilitating anxiety barrier. and yea being less anxious would help but i am also totally traumatized and the cruel thing about that is needing positive experiences to actually heal

i try every day to do my hobbies and watch shows with good messages and all that and im still so. depressed. and lonely.

and i know the fact im doing my hobbies much more is a good thing. it does genuinely help. but. without anyone here. it all feels like im just wasting my time. like my effort isnt.. changing anything.

i could try joining the fandoms for the anime ive been watching so i probably will but. i dont think anything online can make up for the physical social void in my life. and that is whats getting me really.