The Onion #2 - Maternity leave
La nouvelle ministre des solidaritĂ©s et des familles Aurore BergĂ© a dĂ©posĂ© ce matin une proposition de loi visant Ă rĂ©duire de 2 mois le temps de grossesse. Une pĂ©riode de gestation jugĂ©e âtrop longueâ et âpĂ©nalisante pour les entreprisesâ que cette rĂ©forme devrait enfin permettre dâĂ©quilibrer un peu. â7 mois câest largement suffisantâ a dĂ©clarĂ© Aurore BergĂ© lors dâune confĂ©rence de presse. âLes enfants auront dĂ©jĂ 2 bras, 2 jambes, tout ce quâil leur faut pour vivre convenablementâ poursuit-elle, avant dâajouter : âDâaccord, leurs os seront mous, mais grĂące à ça ils pourront avoir une belle carriĂšre au Cirque du Soleil.â
This morning, the new Minister for Solidarity and Families, Aurore Bergé, tabled a bill to reduce the length of pregnancy by 2 months. A gestation period deemed to be "too long" and "penalising for businesses", this reform should finally provide some balance. "7 months is more than enough," declared Aurore Bergé at a press conference. "Children will already have 2 arms, 2 legs, everything they need to live a decent life," she continued, before adding: "OK, their bones will be soft, but thanks to this they'll be able to have a great career at Cirque du Soleil."
Une proposition controversĂ©e nĂ©anmoins saluĂ©e par Patrick Martin, le nouveau patron du MEDEF. âCâest une trĂšs bonne nouvelle pour tout le monde !â confie-t-il Ă nos confrĂšres du Figaro. âGrĂące à ça, les mamans pourront revenir plus rapidement au travail, et aprĂšs avoir passĂ© toutes leurs journĂ©es allongĂ©es, ça leur fera enfin du bien de pouvoir passer toutes leurs journĂ©es assises.â
This controversial proposal was nevertheless welcomed by Patrick Martin, the new head of the MEDEF. "It's great news for everyone," he told Le Figaro. "Thanks to this, mums will be able to get back to work more quickly, and after spending all their days lying down, it will finally do them good to be able to spend all their days sitting up."
Pour pallier le retard physique des nouveaux-nĂ©s, le gouvernement sâest Ă©galement engagĂ© Ă fournir un pack âCroissanceâ aux jeunes parents, comprenant : une couveuse âPat Patrouilleâ, deux bĂ©quilles âPeppa Pigâ ainsi que 3 tubes de vitamine C âBoironâ. Un pack indispensable pour âcompenser les 2 mois de dĂ©veloppement manquantâ et pour que âles nouveaux-nĂ©s soient, certes, Ă moitiĂ© formĂ©s, mais Ă©galement en pleine formeâ.
To compensate for the physical backwardness of newborn babies, the government has also pledged to provide young parents with a "Growth" pack, comprising: a "Pat Patrouille" incubator, two "Peppa Pig" crutches and 3 tubes of "Boiron" vitamin C. This pack is essential to "compensate for the missing 2 months of development" and to ensure that "newborn babies are not only half-formed, but also in great shape".
Suite Ă la vague dâindignation provoquĂ©e par ce projet de loi, Aurore BergĂ© a dĂ©clarĂ© âentendre la colĂšre des parentsâ et se dit mĂȘme prĂȘte Ă dĂ©poser un nouvel amendement visant Ă augmenter de 72 heures la durĂ©e moyenne des accouchements, afin que les femmes puissent âprofiter encore un peu plus du plus beau jour de leur vieâ.
Following the wave of indignation provoked by this bill, Aurore Bergé said she "understood the anger of parents" and was even prepared to table a new amendment aimed at increasing the average length of childbirth by 72 hours, so that women can "enjoy the happiest day of their lives a little more".
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