#goodbyelove

Honestly this is true

i don’t think i’ve asked much from you. i’ve never even asked you to love me with all your heart, to care and attend to me when i need you because i trust you enough to know it yourself. but if you ever felt burdened by loving me i’m so sorry. i don’t wanna be the person who makes you choose between me or your friends because if you do choose them over me, it’s okay. it really is but, i really do hope you’d prioritize me at times when i desperately need someone, when i need you. i’m so sorry i’m needy and i can get extra needy at times when i’m like this and i would usually keep it from you because i don’t wanna bother you with my shit. i know you already have a lot on your plate.

i’m sorry if i ever made you feel unloved because it sucks to feel that way. trust me, i know. i would always try to love you with all that i am and honestly i could even go another few extra miles for you but, i don’t wanna do it to look like a fool in the end. this is gonna sound stupid but sometimes i do wonder what are you doing with me, yknow? am i just a pit stop? a distraction for you? a trophy? a temporary stop sign? it scares me to have those thoughts especially after you tweeted about “don’t use someone to get over a past person.” i know i shouldn’t assume things because the world doesn’t revolve around me but sometimes– just sometimes– i need reassurance from you but i’m just scared to ask for it because i don’t wanna force it out of you.

you’ve always taught me a lot of things and constantly remind me about a lot of things as well and i really appreciate it. truly, more than you know. but, it’s unfair if i’m the one applying to what you’ve been advising me if you’re hypocritical about it and not practicing it yourself. i’m not forcing you to but, you can’t preach about something you can’t practice. there are some things that i really wanna talk to you about because i truly am worried about you because i love you but, i’m just scared. i know you’re open to anything to better yourself but, would you wanna listen to words i’m about to say? are you willing to open up, listen, dissect and understand the things that i might say to you if i tell you?

i’m sorry i sound so fucking selfish. there’s no excuse for me to do that. that’s why i’m saying sorry again if i’m ever the toxic one in your life. i’m sorry if i’ve ever brought out the bad in you. if i ever triggered you to being someone you’re not or someone you don’t ever wanna be. it was never intentional. i’ve never realized it: what if i’m the toxic one? maybe you do deserve better. it’s not even a maybe. it’s true. you need someone who you would fight for and would go the extra miles for. you deserve to love someone and not be afraid to love them more than you could ever possibly love a another. to not be afraid to show every side of you and every inch of your thoughts. i’m sorry i’m not that person.

i’m sorry i’m saying all these things. i’m pretty sure you have a lot to say about me too but despite everything, i still love you so fucking much and it’s true. it’s insane for me as to how much i’ve grown to love you. i don’t know about you tho... because you never tell me. and i wish you did.

i cant bear the thought of you going through things alone or having negative thoughts about me and questions that are left unanswered about me. i know how that feels like. what’s the point of me saying “i’m always gonna be there for you.” or “you know i’m always here.” when you don’t let me? i feel useless at times when i feel like you’re struggling with something yet you choose not to tell me. i know you said you’re so accustomed to going through things alone but, you see, i’m here. i always have and i always will.

Sebagaimana kematian menyambut kehidupan. Ia juga menyambut kesetiaan.

Kesetiaanmu padaku berbuah manis. Aku sangat bahagia bisa memilikimu. Menjadi pendampingmu di setiap waktu yang kau lewati. Sudah banyak ku baca raut muka mu, tentang kebahagiaan dan kesedihan.

Ketika aku yang harus pergi darimu terlebih dahulu. Aku cukup bersyukur. Bahwa aku yang akan menyambutmu nanti di kehidupan mendatang.

Kau tak perlu resah,kekasih..., aku yang akan menyertaimu.

Take my hand, I'll lead your way.

Surakarta, 1 Juni 2019

I still don’t know if I’m angry or sad. Your love left me like a pendulum flowing back and forth between my emotions.

Angry because you made me question my worth and beauty, when I was once everything you ever wanted then in the blink of an eye she was everything you ever wanted. You told me I was special and I would always be the “one” the one you went back to no matter what. I felt so special. You talked about having kids with me and I seen it I saw you in my future. But now is she the one? Or how about the other girls? I’m sad, sad because of what I still feel could have been, but then I also feel mostly confused...Do you miss me? I hope so because you still follow me on social media. I can't really tell you when we stopped — or even started. I guess at that very moment in my life I needed you. I didn't realize for a long time that you only graced me with your presence to teach me a lesson. A lesson about life. A lesson about love. A lesson about me.

You taught me to be more open. You broke down my walls that I built so high to protect myself. You taught me to go with the flow. You never took life too seriously, at least that's what I noticed from the short period of time we spent together. Was it short? From being kids in middle school to adults... I loved you as a kid even got in my first fight over you.

You taught me to express feelings. If I feel something, I'm going to say it. If I don't, well, I'm going to have to say that too. You leaving my life has helped me realize all the feelings I buried. It would be nice to go back in time, look you in the eye and tell you how much you mean to me.

It’s time I own up to my fault on where we went wrong I should of realized how lucky I was to have the time I had and I should of loved you while you were mine. But I was numb I was scared to love I was scared that you were gonna leave me like I’ve been left for others my whole life..... and you did but I was partially to blame. I should of loved you more while I had the opportunity. Needless to say I was sleep walking through my life. I was blissfully content to believe that I was living fully—I made mistakes, stayed out too late, loved the wrong people around me, searched for adventure until my heart was full and I was happy. But never did I love myself. But you loved everyone who crossed your path with the same energy as you put into us? Was I special? Or maybe you just always gave everyone your everything...

Now, I want us to be more than we were before. We must've had some sort of connection then. Why can't we pick up where we left off? Why can't you respond to the text I sent you a month ago? I won't take offense, at least I won't tell you I take offense.

In your defense, you had every right to leave me high and dry. I was guarded, wound too tight, indecisive, and I'm just as confused about myself as you are. You have every right to move on. I mean, hello, I gave you zero indication I have a soul. So maybe we shouldn't get back together. You were good for me when I needed you. You gave me a reason to start writing again and I use to love doing that.

Thanks for being there for me then. I really needed you. I hope I taught you something about yourself too. I'm happy you were my "Almost happy ending”

You’re what you own

I love that Roger drew a rocket ship at the top of his paper

Movie photo shoot for Rent

A old Rent promo