#godsproblems

Michael: Michifer?

Lucifer: What’s that?

Raphael: Not the name of anyone I know. Maybe you should Google it.

Gabriel: nO. Don’t. Don’t Google it. For Dad’s sake don’t. Shame on you, Anon. Let the poor, innocent Archangels remain unaware.

Lucifer: Okay, well now I’m definitely going to Google it if you don’t tell me right now.

Gabriel: Humanity counts, right? Because I really love humans. Yep. Very pretty and smart. We should talk about this more in-depth, maybe over the phone, perhaps? [eyeeebrows]

Lucifer: [whacks the back of his head] Leave the poor girl alone, Gabe. Now come on; a real answer.

Gabriel: Alright, alright. Well, out of all the animals… probably Dolphins. I really like Dolphins.

Michael: There you go. I’m a fan of Lucifer’s wolves, actually. They’re admirable, noble creatures.

Lucifer: And I like your Lions, Michael. Very strong and independant.

Michael: Well… I suppose I’d be in love? So probably happiness? I wouldn’t know, I haven’t ever fallen romantically in love with a human before. Or anyone, for that matter. I don’t have time for such things.

Lucifer: I’d never fall in love with a human. And in the entirely hypothetical case that I did, I suppose I’d end up very conflicted about it. That person would have to be a very, very special individual to make me look past my grudge with humanity. Not to mention that they would first have to see past who I am, which is no small feat either… So perhaps… awe? Surprise? I’d like to feel accepted, I think, so definitely happiness, too.

Raphael: I’ve been in love with a human before. A vessel I took, briefly. I never did anything about it… I merely looked out for them, answered their prayers when I could. I’m not really sure it was even romantic love. It didn’t feel so different from how I feel about my family. I just wanted the best for that person, and seeing them made me happy. They were very strong, and kind, and they deserve the heaven they received. I suppose I regret not speaking to them… but more than that, I am happier for having met them.

Michael: Lucifer and I have, but I don’t think Raphael or Gabriel were created until Dad started focusing on Earth.

Lucifer: That’s how I remember it too.

Gabriel: Yeah, yeah. We get it, you old farts. I made myself a slave-Leia construct once or twice for… recreational purposes… The rest of the cast of Star Wars too, for Comicon groupies. And Star Trek. Does that count?

Raphael: Brother, every time you open your mouth, I become more disgusted with you. I have not met an alien before, real or imagined.

Lucifer and Gabriel Simultaneously: Guilty.

Raphael, shaking their head: And all of Heaven knew when you two did it, too.

Michael: Dad sure wasn’t happy about it. You two never tried anything like that again, did you?

Lucifer: You know, I would’ve, but I valued my life too much.

Gabriel, laughing: Even Daddy’s favourite wasn’t exempt from His wrath, that time. I’m surprised He didn’t come down harder on me than He did, actually.

Lucifer: I told Him it was my idea, duh. I knew He wasn’t actually going to murder me.

Gabriel, touched: Wow, bro. That was… pretty cool of you. Thanks.

Michael: I don’t play favourites. I love all my siblings equally.

Lucifer, rolling his eyes: Oh yeah, way to make the rest of us look bad, Michael. C’mon, give them a real answer.

Michael: I’m telling them the truth, Lucifer. But, if I must choose one, I suppose Raphael is the least troublesome of you three. I can always count on them.

Raphael: Thank you, brother. It’s no contest for me, you’re the only one in this family that I can trust, or even tolerate.

Gabriel: Oh, come on! I’m not that bad!

Raphael: Yeah? tell me that again the next time I catch you setting a hellhound loose in Heaven.

Michael: That’s YOU?!

Gabriel, backing away: Heh… Luci, you’ll be my favourite if you help me out.

Lucifer, now munching on popcorn: Nah, I’m already my own favourite. Nice knowin’ ya, bro.

Michael, silently counting to ten: … Relax. I’m not going to punish you. Just… don’t do it again.

Gabriel: Aw, you’re the best, big brother mine, old buddy, old pal! See? I knew you were my favourite for a reason!

Lucifer: Sorry to disappoint… But dad didn’t really give us free reign with the creating. That was exclusively His Party Trick. But we did occasionally get to suggest things when he was out of ideas.

Gabriel: You proooobably wouldn’t recognise a lot of the things we came up with. they’ve changed and evolved a lot since we helped think them up. The things Sloths evolved from looked kinda like… giant beaver-bears. And Dad was responsible for those.

Michael: How about we each give an example of a modern-day animal we like, who we came up with the ancestor for. I very much like Honeybees. They work very well together, and I appreciate their dedication. However, I’m not sure why they evolved stingers that kill them when used.

Raphael: And I very much like Octopi. Especially the kind that can seamlessly camouflage into its surroundings. Have you seen the kinds of things Octopi can do? They’re almost frighteningly intelligent.

Lucifer: Ah, then I’m going to go with wolves. I got dad to make them as a less bloodthirsty alternative to hellhounds… though I kept Ramsey, too. She wasn’t bad… Dad just didn’t understand her.

Gabriel: Haha… I’m so gonna lose this game. C’mon, I can’t be the only one, right?

Lucifer: If I haven’t done that, I sincerely doubt Raphael or Michael have.

Lucifer: … Right? Michael? Raphael?

Michael: Er… It wasn’t my idea?