Raphael:Â Not the name of anyone I know. Maybe you should Google it.
Gabriel:Â nO. Donât. Donât Google it. For Dadâs sake donât. Shame on you, Anon. Let the poor, innocent Archangels remain unaware.
Lucifer: Okay, well now Iâm definitely going to Google it if you donât tell me right now.
Gabriel: Youâre not gonna like it⌠But better I tell you than Google Images. Do you know what shipping is? or Slash?
Michael: Um⌠no. unless youâre referring to the mode of transportation.
Gabriel: Iâm not. Okay⌠So âshipâ is short for ârelationshipâ. So âshippingâ a pair means you want twoâor moreâpeople to be together. As a couple.
Lucifer: Okay, I follow, but what does that have to do with âMichifer?â
Gabriel: Iâm getting to that. Usually, âshipsâ are given names that are a kind of mash-up of the two charactersâor peopleâthat are being paired together. And Michifer isâ
Raphael: MMichael and LuciferâŚ
Michael: Oh, gross. They do know weâre brothers, right?
Gabriel: Well, in their defense, you were both created, not born, so youâre not actually blood-related⌠or anythingâŚ
Lucifer: Itâs still gross. Michael practically raised me. Itâs just⌠and I hate him. Andâ And he hates me.
Michael: I donât hate you, Lucifer. Iâm disappointed in you.
Lucifer:Â Coulda fooled me with that Judgement day speech you gave.
Michael:Â Thatâs different. I was following orders. I couldnât justâ I wasnât going to let you talk me out of it. I said those things to make it easier for you to fight me.
Lucifer: I didnât want to fight you! We didnât need to kill each other! I justâ I wanted my brother back!
Michael:Â I know you didnât want to. Donât yell.Â
Lucifer:Â Then why?
Michael:Â I had to fight you. I had orders. And if I didnât, youâd just be hunted and hated and caged for the rest of eternity. I was trying to give you a merciful, honourable death.
Lucifer: That is⌠the most backwards, messed up logic Iâve ever heard.
Michael: It made sense to me, at the time. But I was wrong to think that way. Hence, weâre trying your idea now. Dad hasnât sent down a bolt of lightning to smite us both⌠Yet⌠so Iâm choosing to take that as a positive sign.
Lucifer: Is that the only⌠Michael, youâre the weirdest person I know. And Iâm me.
Michael:Â [ruffles Luciferâs hair] Iâll take that as a compliment.
Gabriel:Â Aaaand, this is why people ship you two. Dorks.
Michael:Â Nope.
Lucifer:Â Never gonna happen.
Raphael:Â Excuse me while I barf.
[I actually do ship it, but I wouldnât consider it an OTP, at least not today.]
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Hello my sweet Angels. Any of you have a favorite animal?
Gabriel:Â Humanity counts, right? Because I really love humans. Yep. Very pretty and smart. We should talk about this more in-depth, maybe over the phone, perhaps? [eyeeebrows]
Lucifer: [whacks the back of his head] Leave the poor girl alone, Gabe. Now come on; a real answer.
Gabriel: Alright, alright. Well, out of all the animals⌠probably Dolphins. I really like Dolphins.
Michael:Â There you go. Iâm a fan of Luciferâs wolves, actually. Theyâre admirable, noble creatures.
Lucifer:Â And I like your Lions, Michael. Very strong and independant.
Raphael:Â I think Iâm still going to go with Octopi. Theyâre impressive in more ways than one.
Question for the Archangels: What would be your reaction if you fell in love with a human?
Michael: Well⌠I suppose Iâd be in love? So probably happiness? I wouldnât know, I havenât ever fallen romantically in love with a human before. Or anyone, for that matter. I donât have time for such things.
Lucifer: Iâd never fall in love with a human. And in the entirely hypothetical case that I did, I suppose Iâd end up very conflicted about it. That person would have to be a very, very special individual to make me look past my grudge with humanity. Not to mention that they would first have to see past who I am, which is no small feat either⌠So perhaps⌠awe? Surprise? Iâd like to feel accepted, I think, so definitely happiness, too.
Raphael: Iâve been in love with a human before. A vessel I took, briefly. I never did anything about it⌠I merely looked out for them, answered their prayers when I could. Iâm not really sure it was even romantic love. It didnât feel so different from how I feel about my family. I just wanted the best for that person, and seeing them made me happy. They were very strong, and kind, and they deserve the heaven they received. I suppose I regret not speaking to them⌠but more than that, I am happier for having met them.
Gabriel:Â I donât know if Iâve ever fallen in love with a human. I love Humanity, but thatâs different. I suppose if I ever do fall in love with a human, Iâll know, and Iâll be a very happy Archangel. Luckily for me, I pretty much have a get-in-anywhere pass, so whether they go to Heaven, Hell, or Purgatory in death, Iâll be able to see them in their afterlife.
Michael:Â Lucifer and I have, but I donât think Raphael or Gabriel were created until Dad started focusing on Earth.
Lucifer:Â Thatâs how I remember it too.
Gabriel: Yeah, yeah. We get it, you old farts. I made myself a slave-Leia construct once or twice for⌠recreational purposes⌠The rest of the cast of Star Wars too, for Comicon groupies. And Star Trek. Does that count?
Raphael:Â Brother, every time you open your mouth, I become more disgusted with you. I have not met an alien before, real or imagined.
Gabriel:Â Oh, stuff a sock in it, Raphael. Hope that answers your question, human!
Raphael, shaking their head:Â And all of Heaven knew when you two did it, too.
Michael:Â Dad sure wasnât happy about it. You two never tried anything like that again, did you?
Lucifer:Â You know, I wouldâve, but I valued my life too much.
Gabriel, laughing:Â Even Daddyâs favourite wasnât exempt from His wrath, that time. Iâm surprised He didnât come down harder on me than He did, actually.
Lucifer:Â I told Him it was my idea, duh. I knew He wasnât actually going to murder me.
Gabriel, touched: Wow, bro. That was⌠pretty cool of you. Thanks.
Lucifer: Well, you know what they say⌠Bros before Tyrannical Dickbags, and all that. It was no big deal. Thanks for the trip down memory lane, Scribe of Rivers.
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Michael: I donât play favourites. I love all my siblings equally.
Lucifer, rolling his eyes: Oh yeah, way to make the rest of us look bad, Michael. Câmon, give them a real answer.
Michael:Â Iâm telling them the truth, Lucifer. But, if I must choose one, I suppose Raphael is the least troublesome of you three. I can always count on them.
Raphael: Thank you, brother. Itâs no contest for me, youâre the only one in this family that I can trust, or even tolerate.
Gabriel: Oh, come on! Iâm not that bad!
Raphael: Yeah? tell me that again the next time I catch you setting a hellhound loose in Heaven.
Michael: Thatâs YOU?!
Gabriel, backing away: Heh⌠Luci, youâll be my favourite if you help me out.
Lucifer, now munching on popcorn: Nah, Iâm already my own favourite. Nice knowinâ ya, bro.
Michael, silently counting to ten: ⌠Relax. Iâm not going to punish you. Just⌠donât do it again.
Gabriel: Aw, youâre the best, big brother mine, old buddy, old pal! See? I knew you were my favourite for a reason!
Michael, shaking his head: What am I going to do with youâŚ
Hey there!đ đ I got a question for the four of you: did god let you create animals on your own and when yes, which was your favorite? (And who created sloths, honestly I truly adore them) đ Oh and I really love this blog, your answers are hilarious! â¤
Lucifer: Sorry to disappoint⌠But dad didnât really give us free reign with the creating. That was exclusively His Party Trick. But we did occasionally get to suggest things when he was out of ideas.
Gabriel: You proooobably wouldnât recognise a lot of the things we came up with. theyâve changed and evolved a lot since we helped think them up. The things Sloths evolved from looked kinda like⌠giant beaver-bears. And Dad was responsible for those.
Michael:Â How about we each give an example of a modern-day animal we like, who we came up with the ancestor for. I very much like Honeybees. They work very well together, and I appreciate their dedication. However, Iâm not sure why they evolved stingers that kill them when used.
Raphael: And I very much like Octopi. Especially the kind that can seamlessly camouflage into its surroundings. Have you seen the kinds of things Octopi can do? Theyâre almost frighteningly intelligent.
Lucifer: Ah, then Iâm going to go with wolves. I got dad to make them as a less bloodthirsty alternative to hellhounds⌠though I kept Ramsey, too. She wasnât bad⌠Dad just didnât understand her.
Gabriel: And my favouriteâs butterflies. I came up with a bunch of things⌠but butterflies are probably the best ones. Theyâre pretty? right? really colourful, extra harmless, right? Wrong. Butterflies are carnivorous, and they suck out the innards of their enemies. Theyâre pretty so that they look like flowers, so they can trap unsuspecting aphids and such, and drain them alive. Butterflies are hardcore, in the insect world, you do not wanna mess with one of those suckers.
Never have I ever made naked snow-angels. (Unless the time when tequila, a hot tub, and streaking through a house with a bunch of drunk theatre kids to go do just that counts...)
Gabriel: Haha⌠Iâm so gonna lose this game. Câmon, I canât be the only one, right?
Lucifer:Â If I havenât done that, I sincerely doubt Raphael or Michael have.
Lucifer: ⌠Right? Michael? Raphael?
Michael: Er⌠It wasnât my idea?
Raphael:Â I was drunk. It was Christmas. I regret nothing.