#godseesus

I love you

I love you

I love you

Every time He healed and you saw yourself in the retelling

I love you

Every gust of wind that reminds you you're alive

I love you

Every time you were going to give up and someone saw your pain and said "how can I help?"

I love you

Every song that speaks to your heart

I love you

Every time you're smiling amid the pain with no reason why

I love you

The waves, the sun set, the memories, the hills

I love you

Every time Jesus cried out to His Father and asked for His cup to be taken but knew that it was the card He'd been dealt and so went forth knowing you were worth it all

I love you

Every agonising second on the cross where He bled and cried and died

I love you

Every time He didn't demonise Thomas's doubt

I love you

Every blessing for those who believe without seeing

I love you

Every saint with a past and sinner with a future that made you believe in hope

I love you

His entire life was a shout, was your hand in His, was your life because of His, was everything because He said

I love you

I love you a thousand times over

Seeing some of the young people I work with so quiet when they're usually the life of the party is painful. They aren't coping, online school, awful family situations that are just exacerbated by being stuck inside, poverty, job-loss, food insecurity, mental health issues - you name it, they're going through it.

It pains me to see their faces so run down with heaviness that kids barely if at all into their teenage years are having to experience. The complete lack of structure and inadequate support. This is an awful time.

And it's hard to reconcile knowing how hard teachers, doctors, nursers, shop workers, youth workers like me and a whole host of other key workers are trying, while seeing how much we can provide to them because we can't magically fix our burn out or the systemic issues that make this whole situation a thousand times worse.

You know when you look at someone in tears and realise, I can't hug you? I can't fix it even for a second?

My everlasting hope is in God, He has brought me through so much trauma and pain but that doesn't mean the hurt is gone when I look into the faces of my colleagues and young people, when I look in the mirror, and see the exhaustion.

We need to do what keeps the most people safe. I know that, it's so important, but I guess that doesn't change how hard life is right now being in lockdown.

There is always hope even in the darkest night, but that doesn't mean you never feel lost

I suppose I have no conclusion to this blog, apart from I know Jesus is walking with us through it all, it's hard, it's led me to my knees more than once and it won't get easier soon - but God gets it

He wept knowing Lazarus would be alive again, still He wept, He teaches us that knowing the ending doesn't mean you can't cry at the sad parts.