Tonight I am feeling all of the feelings.

Last Wednesday I got a call that changed my life. God saw fit for me to be recommended to train to be a priest. A calling, a dream, a prayer I have had since I was 16.

It's really happening.

I feel elated, full of joy and gratitude and oh my isn't God good. But I also feel anxious and emotional and I am grieving the things I am leaving behind. Even though it's the right thing, even though I am excited, even though I know this is where God wants me to go. None of the good stuff means you can't cry at the sad parts.

In two days I will leave the job I have had for three years. A job that introduced me to some of my favourite people in the world. A job that God has used to teach me so many things. A job that has brought me so much joy and stress and grey hairs and love and amusement and all the things in-between.

Change is not easy. No one promised it would be. Even when it's needed and good and opening your life up to all the things it was always meant to be.

And tonight, after a kinda weird evening, I obviously felt like I needed to share some of this churning and yearning with my quiet little corner of the internet. In a day or two I'll have a lot more articulate things to say.

But tonight I will allow myself to feel all of the things. Because God made me an emotional being, because I was called not as the most perfect version of myself, but as me in all my human and flawed glory, to bring out the God colours in the world. And sometimes those colours are mixed with tears. Tears that taste like the saltiness of everything I am leaving behind, and the sweetness of all that lies ahead.

God Bless

Still children they have been tasked with the salvation of others.

This makes me uneasy.

A group of them commissioned into a public space, encouraged to interact with strangers, ask them questions about miracles and prayer.

I believe in miracles and prayer.

But I can't help but feel this is not what Jesus meant when He said let the little children come to me.

I'm sure when they walked up to me they did not expect to speak to an adult, let alone another Christian, let alone someone in ministry. But that's the thing about these kinds of churches, this kind of theology, it wants a Christian to look a certain way, to use the right words, it assumes a lack of faith without any context. It doesn't matter what's in the heart, what the impact is on the world as long you get enough prayers in, as long as someone says they've commited their life to Christ that's enough.

But no matter how many photo opportunities you get of youth laying hands on unsuspecting people, your impact on the world falls short. Because while you spent a day doing that, the food bank needed volunteers, someone at church needed a babysitter, a friend needed support during a mental health crisis. Any number of things.

The idea of children in the faith is not about getting someone as young as possible to dress the right way for your church, to parrot these sayings that mean nothing in their hearts, to make assumptions about people before genuinely getting to know them. It's about a simplicity of faith without all that baggage.

A kind of faith that loves because it's the natural thing to do, that offers a helping hand as well as a prayer, who sees the best in people, the different in people, the mess in people and calls it Holy.

You can have as many businesses working out of your church as you like. It won't get you closer to heaven. The kingdom is right here, in the heart of the homeless man who you would ask to move away from your front door.

When it is my turn to shepherd younger disciples, I will tell them to be wary of anyone who suggests that it is a child's duty to lead people to the other side, but affirm that their faith is still powerful, moreso even, when they laugh with the weird kid, play with the toddlers at church and bring tea to elderly woman in the back row. When they stand up for the voiceless. That stuff means more than any type of faith that asks them to perform the perfect Christian, any image they may be asked to conform to, because guess what?

May 2026 be gentle with you

May this be the year you get that yes (or no) you've been searching for

May this year be the year you smile genuinely more often

May this be the year you see an abundance of cute animals

May this year be full of good music

May this year be full of relationships that feed your soul

May this year be the year you surround yourself with people you know your worth and say it out loud

May this be the year you solidify your relationship with God (no matter how far you feel, He has the porch light on)

May 2026 be the year you find a new favourite food

May this year be the year you move your body for joy not obligation

May you read a life-changing book this year

May 2026 bring you the breathing space to stop and smell the flowers

May this be the year you get that job, or that apartment or that holiday or that day-off that you have been dreaming of

May this year be the year you realise that your value is not measured in arbitrary accomplishments, but in the goodness and authenticity you put out into the world.

May 2026 be the year you feel safe you be yourself

May this year be kind to you, wrap you in a warm hug and say it's enough to just to exist, enough just to relish the little things, cos they're not so little

May this year be filled with light, love and laughter

May 2026 be gentle with you

Jesus rides a donkey.

We want the bird of prey.

The Holy Spirit descends as a dove.

We want the militia.

Jesus calls fishermen, tax collectors, women, and children.

We want the courtroom.

Jesus sets a table.

We want the gavel.

Jesus washes feet.

We want to take up swords.

Jesus takes up a cross.

We want the empire.

Jesus brings the Kingdom of God.

We want the nation.

Jesus calls the church.

We want the roaring lion.

God comes as a slaughtered lamb.

We keep trying to arm God.

God keeps trying to disarm us.”

You suddenly have it all figured out

Everything should feel happy and light

You should suddenly be absolutely ok

You have to be the most pious

You have to be greatful 24/7

That the world isn't still a fucked up place

That you're expected to be perfect because the mourning is over

It's exhausting.

I've been in the valley for the past couple of weeks, recovery is never smooth and I have been on a pretty bumpy part. I'm struggling to concentrate, just want to sleep or cry. It's been hard.

But it's been hard before, and it'll be better and then harder again. That's how life goes, but especially when you've been through some not so great things.

But I'm sat at uni so I'm at least out the house, and back at work tomorrow so that's something to do. I will be okay.

I've been doing an assignment on lament in the bible recently and I think it fell into my lap just at the right time. If anything I'm saying feels like it's speaking to you, hear this. You are allowed to feel shitty. You are allowed to be sad or angry or anxious or whatever it is you are feeling. You do not have to be positive, you do not have to always believe things will be better, even if logically you know they will.

You are allowed to scream and cry, you can lay all the crap at God's feet. God gets it. Jesus cried, He hurt. You are not alone.

If right now things are heavy, you are allowed to talk about it, allowed to pray about it, you don't always have to look on the bright side, some things are crap and that’s just how it is.

But all that doesn't change how very very loved you are.

Keep hanging on, shout if you need to, treat yourself gently.