I think my ADHD has been a bigger problem in my life than I even realised, even after my diagnosis.
Like, I wanted to believe that I wasn't inherently a lazy person, I was just struggling with the ADHD. And that's partially the case! But in the past few months I've realised that because my dopamine-starved brain with its broken reward-system has never been able to view 'effort' as anything other than a threat, I am kind of a lazy person. If left to my own devices the way I have been this past year l, I will do basically nothing! And I will feel bad about that and it's not good for me and I will feel so much better if I don't, but I will still do that! I will waste my life away and do nothing even as I scream internally at myself not to!
I've always felt kind of empty and passionless, even as I do enjoy things and find things interesting. I've always been envious of people who are passionate about things or who have always known what it is they want to do with their life, because I've always been in a kind of directionless grey void. Maybe that's (partly) because my brain didn't feel like passion or ambition were worth the investment of precious resources. Probably I'm just a little bit lazy inherently, but I'm sure the neurodevelopmental disorder didn't help. This is all in my specific case btw, I'm not saying this is like a universal symptom of ADHD it's just how I think I specifically may have coped with it.
Its not entirely my fault, it's an understandable flaw. I need to work to correct that part of the way my brain has developed. I need to be firm but patient with myself as I do so. Luckily I believe in lifelong neuroplasticity and have already CBT'd myself into healthier behaviour in the past so I have hope for myself!
