#go;

whywhywhywhywhy

happy things make me sad so often because i over-think them and that is why i am always sad

okay well not okay but you get the point

take the music im listening to right now its so pretty and nice and beautiful i didnt like it the first time i heard it but is so beatiful to me now and i cant stop listening to it

why cant i be talented why cant i take cherished and beloved movies that were already magical and make something more whimsical out of it

why cant i be like my friends with the sweet perfect singing voices the ability to play four instruments the perfect little chibis that make me smile the sense of style i always chuckled at the perfect sense of humor the talent is all around me

and im just sitting or laying here in bed sulking instead of doing something about it i could be looking up piano tutorials online so i could play and sing along to the tune my fingers produced i could be drawing referencing then i could be a decent artist

why cant i be a decent artist why cant i be the artist people revere for their morning doodles the warm up sketches that look like masterpieces the pictures I spend days on are not and probably never will ever come close to the art i see everyday its all so brillaint

i hate it this sad feeling in my gut the will to cry

i like to pretend i have some self confidence in my art but i dont i like to pretend im not sad to pretend im okay but i really have no idea if i am

im so fucking lonely

i want a jake hug thats what i call them now i want a hug like I got at Anime Boston the half hour before i left a Jake hug where i could feel him really hugging me not an awkward oh hi person ive never met but is in the same fandom as me hug a real youre a great person even though weve never talked come here hug where i could feel his warmth and his smile and i just i need hugs but i dont get them internet/virtual hugs are nice i appreciate the thought i really do but they dont do a whole lot for me i need a real hug but ive no one to give me one

and im just typing away to myself because i have no one to talk to at 10:50 pm est i have 70 mins until midnight i cant wait that long i dont have it in me i just want to sleep and cry and sulk

maybe ill just give john his present early

and go to bed

and be antisocial again

like i have been this whole fucking week

i have vacation starting tomorrow after school but i wont have a lot of time to go on tumblr as i thought because ill be in Canada and as much as i love Canada i was looking forwards to talking to everyone which maybe i will be able to do late at night in the hotel but my dad will make me sleep

im just

im sad

im not okay

i want to do something with my life but i know the instant i try ill just give up and ill be stuck here in this miserable little hole forever