#gmj

The very first fic I posted here on Tumblr makes my toes curl to think about. I don’t often talk about it or reference it, but I reread it before writing this post just to review my old work, and really, given that I was 15, it’s not that bad. Make no mistake: it’s not good, and I genuinely hate it. But neither of those reasons speak to why I won’t ever be linking it here or even on the masterlist I wrote years ago.

More than anything, that fic is so very unlike me now that it near-on hurts to consider it as having come from me.

Even at the time, it wasn’t like me. It was for a ship I felt nothing for in a scenario I wasn’t particularly invested in. I only posted that ship first out of an obsessive need to order that series I hoped to write chronologically, and the ShikaTema one that soon followed was not quite so plastic but was still not what I really wanted. However, much to the chagrin of my current self, back then, I wanted nothing more than for other people to read my writing. I wanted strangers to tell me they had enjoyed themselves. I wanted to know I was doing something for someone. I enjoyed writing for writing’s sake — of course I did or else I’d never have done it! — but when I posted those first posts and people LIKED them?

Fuck me — I felt like I was flying!

I floated into a more authentic vein relatively quickly from there. There was ShikaTema galore on this page, as well as ships that I’ve since left behind but still have slight soft spots for, ships like LeeTen, MetaHima and MiraDai, who I’ve since come to like “rival” ships of quite significantly more. I even hosted a LeeTen week at one point. Madness, come to think of it. But excellent fun, still!

Another stark change to now is that back then, I wrote mostly canonverse type stuff. You’d still be pushed to find me writing true canonverse. There was rarely physical fighting or anything remotely ninja-related. There was divergence or some crude replication of our world shoved in with all the grace of the uncoordinated teenager I was. I had thoughts of writing more thorough and deliberate AUs without knowing how to label them yet, but not knowing if anyone would want read them, I never let them take shape, and eventually (along with those ideas) faded out for a little while and finished school.

I returned to fic writing proper with CHESS in 2018, and from there I think we mostly know the story, right?

I made a bunch of Tumblr posts, then transitioned to ao3. Joined discord servers — one then two then three — that let me look in on different people and culture so uniquely, and even created one of our own with some incredible women in @unioncolours and @thespookymoth. I wrote and beta read for zines, again with my friends (cheers to you always @loknnica !!!) , hosted an event or two, and helped with others, all of it with highs and lows. I moved cities and then moved country (more on that later), where I got to spend so much of my time and real life with the glorious Bex, and expanded my world view so far outside what I ever expected. And all because on 24th September 2015, little teenage Becks was brave enough to press publish on a fic she wasn’t sure of.

Talk about the butterfly effect, eh?

From a writing perspective, though, I only grew out of focusing what other people want to read to only writing what I want to write semi-recently, or so it feels. I’ve gone on about that far enough in the past, so I won’t waffle now, but it’s not lost on me that since that realisation, I’ve also barely posted. I’m more aware of that than anyone, and though all you lovely people say it’s alright and to take my time, I’m aware.

I had even hoped that I might’ve got a GM update for you all today, but that didn’t happen — I’m sorry. Work-life balance is hard at the moment, but I’m chipping away and I hope it won’t take too much longer. Rest assured that it is certainly not because I don’t want to write. I even wish this reflection could’ve been granted more time, but sadly life hasn’t been kind enough to grant it recently.

I will admit here though that the idea of finishing Grandmaster is terrifying. Be it conceptually or actually live on ao3, my darling GM has been a constant for over a third of the 10 years I’ve written for this fandom, and the sort of constant one gets far too comfortable. But, more than that, the GMverse has become a home away from home from me. I can slip into it, at any point in the timeline, no matter where I am physically or mentally, and find myself a tad more steady and at peace, which has been very welcome these past few years.

It must be said with this fact, too, that many people have made GM what it is. While I don’t write for others anymore, it does still light me up to see others enjoying my work and to know it makes people happy or inspired is an honour I can’t describe. To think that the wonderful @twnj has drawn as much for it as she has, that people have read in tandem (love you, book club — thank you again for your patience), that @clumsydragon28 has left more comment parts per chapter than I have in total this past year, and that people have read whole other books and listened to new music all because of something I dreamed up in my old box room in Oxford almost 4 years ago… I can’t fathom it, really. I can’t. I can’t be anything but grateful and honoured for the people who’ve made GM and its associates what it is.

Some of you, I’ve been meaning to message forever to thank you and have chickened out every time. @hoshirosethorncosplay, for example: you have been such a constant in the comments since the start, and seeing your name on my dash or in my emails never fails to make me grin stupidly. Thank you. @bostoncalled — I’ve been working up the courage to thank you for your outrageously kind words for the longest time and failed, so expect me in your DMs soon enough, too. And so many more whose names I don’t know that I know on here. If you see this, know this:

You lovely people are the heart of GM. Wherever you are, whether you comment or not, I’m so grateful for you.

I thought at times, even without it having finished it, about whether I could ever look back on GM with the same sneer as I do my very first fic here on Tumblr. It seems possible that I could, someday, because even CHESS wasn’t safe from that feeling, but that was through the years of ship wars and whatever strange person decided to hate Ino so violently that CHESS became their target.

But anyway I sense that GM won’t suffer that fate. Too much of it is too close to my heart. Like I say, it and its universe is a home.

In particular, GM Shikamaru, will forever remind me of the best decision I ever made. Spending two years with my dearest darling Bex on my doorstep in Finland and getting to invade her world and learn her language, exploring and laughing and nattering into the night together just because we could was magical, and that coming to a close has been difficult. It still is, but when I look at GM — at the welcoming arms of its Finn — I think of my most favourite Finn and I’m flooded with gratitude beyond what I can express.

The last ten years have shown me many good times, but you, Bex, my friend, are at the heart of all of them. Kiitos paljon kaikesta. Sä oot kultainen. I absolutely fucking adore you ♥️

Now, I hoped in my last reflection that I’d be reflecting on finishing GM in this one, and that I’d be beyond just mentioning you to what will come after. Well, oops. Hey ho. But even so, I think that’s enough reflection for now. GM will get its own essay when the time comes.

Ahead is where we ought to look, now, really…

Shock horror: I’m not done with this universe. You might’ve seen something floating around, here or on the blog of the oh so mighty and oh so outrageously talented @twnj (who deserves an entire speech dedicated to the incredible spark she has brought to my life and to our fandom as a whole — you, my friend, are a dream. thank you for being you). Just the other day actually, she posted a dreamy related drawing for Shikadai’s birthday.

That ‘something’ I allude to is what I’ve maybe written the most of since my last reflection, actually. As far as I know, there is around 70k of GMJ (more formally known as Piano Man) tucked away in GoogleDocs, waiting for its moment. It’s been a joy to write, and is very soul soothing, not only for being in GMverse, still.

I’ll say now that I’m sure many of my readers are here for the ShikaTema, and I don’t blame you — I always have been, too — but if you enjoy any of the aspects of GM outside the romance (family, identity, etc.), or just want to continue the post-Strangers ride, I think you’ll enjoy.

Besides, ShikaTema make themselves known in GMJ, too. Make no mistake there.

Many things have inspired me when I work in GMJ — books, movies, and music, of course — but there has been a point of inspiration for that fic that cannot go unmentioned. One thing I’ve failed to capture in this reflection is the sheer amount of fics that have inspired me over the years. For now, though, I’ll mention one that his inspired GMJ particularly, and I don’t think I’ve adequately thanked her for, even now.

@clumsydragon28 wrote a story a few years ago that changed my life and approach to storytelling upon reading it. In the stunning stunning fic that is Plié, she so beautifully captured her love of so many things: of her city, of her love of dance, the love in the power of just listening, and of the love and kindness she has always there for those around her. Perhaps that last one was not intended, but such is the nature of our darling Barb. She really is that excellent even without trying.

Every time I write GMJ Inojin chattering himself stupid, or GMJ Shikadai losing himself in his art, and even in the midst of the chess game scenes of GM before it, I think of our dear Barb, her crafts, and her total devotion to them. To feel someone’s love shine through their words so honestly is to feel them close by, and though I have not (yet!) been granted the pleasure of invading her doorstep in person as I have Bex’s, her work still places me there, heart open.

Thank you, Barb, for being not just my no1 Billy Joel and Sai consultant, but a calibre of person and friend that most people can only dream of meeting in their lives. I’m so very lucky and so very grateful. Love you, mate ♥️

Anyway, to my ShikaTema-focused readers: as someone slowly drawn further and further into the ShikaJin fold over the years by one person or another (you know who you are), I must say it’s a good flavour, and one that I recommend.

Oh, and a note specifically to @servenna — 1) you are a wonderful human being and I’m so grateful for you, and 2) quite some time ago, I mentioned to you having written some GMverse ShikaYoshi. Expect that in the not too distant future — you’ve more than earned it given your patience with GMs “posting schedule”, as have you all. I post here to hold myself accountable, but make no mistake, I’m incredibly excited to share it and all the excess lore.

I fear I’ve nattered on far longer than I hoped to, and probably failed to cover the events of just this year, let alone the 10 I’ve managed here. Clearly, I’m yet to learn the skill of conciseness I set out to achieve years ago, and having chewed your ears off too long already, I will say nothing more than this:

Pressing post on that tumblr post ten years ago was the best decision I ever made. The life I lead now would not exist had I not done it. The person I am would be so much shallower and unfulfilled, simply for the lovely people I’ve come to know from being in this fandom.

Christ, my tumblr can almost go to primary school. How mad is that?!

Thank you all for being around, whether you’ve spoken to me, read me, or just seen me in passing. It’s been a pleasure, and it will continue to be. For 10 more years? Maybe, or maybe not. But I’ll make a dent in that, I’m sure.

Let’s at least get my tumblr to legal drinking age, eh? Then it can finally read the contents of my ao3 without restriction.

Cheers,