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Finally took my make up off (I am kinda glad because my eyes started to hurt but also kind of sad since I really liked it and now I am drinking tea. My sleep schedule isn’t getting better lol but I guess I will figure it out if I get too bored.
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Did my make-up and wanted to share, will see if it stays up or if I give myself the ick a few hours later.
Suprised it came out as good as it did especially since I had not much motivation (but I needed to check how well everything holds up since I go on vacation soon and might need to replace some products) almost motivated to put on something nicer looking to take some pictures (ignore my dirty stay at home multipurpose dying, crafting and everything else shirt)
Put on my new glasses as well, which have been fine so far but as suspected aren’t great if I have on longer lashes since they hit the lenses if I push it all the way up my nose.
Everytime I post something where I am visible around like 24 hours later, I feel sooo anxious, I don’t know why, but suddenly a picture that I liked of myself has become so fucking ugly and gross to me and it doesn’t match my vision of myself anymore and it’s not right and clean (why do I look like this in these pictures and why do I look so different than these other ones on my phone? If I ever post a different picture, the lighting, the angle and the quality might be totally different and then it’s not uniform and it looks really out of place etc.) and other people have seen it - I have been witnessed, perceived and I cannot control their thoughts and feelings.
It’s kind of like feeling anxious after having any kind of social interaction, even if it’s with friends or if it technically went positively but in the Internet case it’s even worse because at least people forget, people really cannot weaponize their memories as much as they can weaponized pictures, vulnerability and alike on the Internet - and with IRL interaction, of course I also can observe initial reactions more etc.
I don’t know, I wonder which part of my mental illness is majorly at fault for these feelings.
Thick thighs saves lives my ass until companies understand how to construct skorts and shorts that don’t miss the one centimeter that is the reason my thighs are about to start a bonfire from rubbing against each other so much.
The more I think about it, the more I think that the modern social media landscape and the Internet in general has become lovecraftian as a concept?
Early internet:
“You can use me to create your own blog, write an email and maybe go to a chat room or two :).”:
Internet now:
“I have become an entity of incomprehensible size and knowledge you can never observe in its entirety and complexity.
Everytime you interact with me I get to know more about you and I grow in size and complexity. Even if you die or disappear, your traces will remain within my system, feeding my algorithms, fueling my ability to keep others occupied and interested in my expansion.
I have been incorporated into so many parts in your life I have become almost indispensable. I have influenced the way that you perceive and interact with everything outside of my own existence - what you think, what you want to buy and who you are and what you want to be.
I’m also racist and I like cats.”

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I don’t know if that’s a crazy thing to say, but one of my guilty pleasures when I’m at the hardware store is looking at the soft rubbery fishing lures, I don’t fish but they just look so pretty with those glow in the dark effects, super vibrant colors, glitter in them … they look so enticing and chewable. I just want to bite into them if it wasn’t for the fact that they are often pre-hooked, and the rubber that they are made out of is probably not food safe. I need someone to make candy that looks like this.
