#gladiator games

BOTTOM 10:

10. Teen Titans #59-60 and Terror Titans

It’s not so much “Terrible” as “Below Average” for the genre.  The first part has two members of the team (Ms. Martian and Kid Devil) captured and used for the Darkside Club meta-arc (where super-powered teens fight in extreme bouts under the thrall of the re-emerging New Gods of Apocalypse).  The second part has Ravager, going through a bad spell, team up/infiltrate the team, join a tournament, and generally wreck shit.  Which is very fun to see as she saves the day after going through a long temptation to the dark side.  The main failing of this one is some really bad fight choreography, and the one death that’s given gravitas doesn’t quite work as well as it could have.  The audience isn’t given much of a reason to care, when it’s the primary motivating factor of a major character in both works.  Specifically because we’re not given a reason independent of the reaction of others to care for the victim.  You’d have to know her before in order to be attached in any way to her.  Thankfully, only one victim was known before appearing in this series, which gives it legs on the rest of this list.  On the plus side, some of the throwaway characters made for this had pretty clever little pun-names, like TNTeena and Poprocket. I’m a sucker for puns.  

9. Secret Wars: Battleworld #2

This isn’t a bad story specifically, but it opens up one of the old wounds from Avengers Arena and treats it like an afterthought.  It’s not a bad story . . . but the logistics and nature of the fights ‘featured’ fall apart under scrutiny. 

Though it did help me form a No Prize reason for the Killaseum’s existence.

8. America’s Got Powers

An interesting tale, but far to meta for its own good.  The game is thus not well thought out, and doesn’t receive much focus.  It’s a flimsy justification for the political intrigue and eventual meta commentary on the nature of super-hero comics.  And one thing a story shouldn’t do is have the McGuffin be this transparent.  Literally, the games exist to control a generation of super-powered people who arose in San Francisco because of a Crystal.  The crystal was put there by aliens who wanted to see human supers beat each other up regularly.  Once the genie is out of the bottle, it’s like “Nice Idea, but it needs more groundwork.”   Reality TV and Gladiator Games do not mix well despite what so many think. 

7. Thunderbolts #76-81

Again, this isn’t a particularly bad story.  This is just a story that had no place being told in the pages of Thunderbolts.  There’s “Bold New Reinventions” and then there’s “How the hell is this even related to what the prior writer was doing?”  Sort of what happened to Checkmate with “The Coming of Chimera!”

Beyond that, it’s just a story that exists.

And now the pain starts.

6. True Believers #1

Never heard of this one?  I’m not surprised.  Only their first issue has a fight club type story and it’s about rich assholes who kidnap sex workers, drug them with stuff, and then have them fight each other.  Somehow, the drugs also make them hand to hand experts.  Yeah.  That’s not a joke.  That’s me trying desperately to justify why the victims know “kickboxing, muay-thai, jui-jistu.”  The heroine and her allies take them down by the end of the issue, but it’s pretty poorly thought out.  I mean, really, if the villains wanted this sort of entertainment, and they’re rich enough to afford all sorts of BDSM trappings and building a special arena for it . . . couldn’t they just find people WILLING to engage in that sort of thing for the right price?  Cheaper and more legal to boot.

But they existed only to show off the heroes. 

Is it to much to ask for effort in the villainy? 

5. Batman-Wildcat #1-3

This miniseries . . . is just really stupid.  90s art, half baked plot, gratuitous villain use when it doesn’t really make sense . . . yeah, this is pretty bad.  I can’t even get into how convoluted and stupid it is, it’s just . . . bland on top of everything else. 

And that is the gravest insult I can levy.

4. Youngblood: Bloodsport #1

Only one issue of this was ever published and be glad of that.  Liefield on art, and a justification that’s so stupid that it’s barely functional.  The original reason for Youngblood was basically “Sueprheroes as pop culture icons/celebrities” and ran with that. It’s not a bad idea, and you could construct a random fight to the death series out of that pretty easily.  But “To earn the right to join the Interdimensional Youngblood team?”  That’s just too stupid for me to believe. 

And I believe in a turtrtle that fires rockets out its limbs and spins like a flying saucer to fly at supersonic speeds!

3-2: TIE: Teen Titans “The Culling” & Avengers Arena

These two are so bad that Linkara has gone into detail on one, and I’ve gone into detail on the other.  Want more said, just look for Linkara’s review or my “Opinionated Arena’ series.   To sum up, there is no “Which is worse” they’re simply “Both terrible.”

1: Countdown: Arena

I bet you were wondering: What could possibly be worse than those two stories?  A Countdown tie in, that’s what! Imagine everything that The Culling and Avengers Arena did wrong and then compress it into 4 issues.  Then, remember all the things that Countdown did wrong.

Yeah.  Eye-bleeding art, extreme stupidity all around, a villain to stupid to be taken seriously that has to be for the story to function, poorly done fights, meaningless deaths, mean-spirited writing, and a mentality that makes tantruming two year olds seem sedate.

That’s Countdown: Arena.  The worst “Gladiator” story in comics.

Now to the BEST of the BEST!

Honorable mention goes to pretty much every appearance of the UCWF in Marvel.  Technically, it’s wrestling, and not gladiators, but they’re damn fun anyway!  Also, Secret Wars (the original).  That one is a bit more complicated than it first appears.  Finally, Beauty and the Beast #1-4 from Marvel.  In this, Dazzler joins a troupe of mutant Gladiators (actually called ‘The Gladiators’) and Beast tries to ‘rescue her’ form it.  It’s actually more true to the Gladiators of old than any story on this list.  Beast and Dazzler is actually a decently written couple, and some surprise appearances make this worth checking out if you like Dazzler, Beast, Gladiators, or random appearances by Doctor Doom.  Finally, Formerly Known as Justice League #3 and #4.  The best use of Roulette since her first appearance (and use in Justice League Unlimited).  Subtle mind control that lets the characters still speak in characters is the best kind.

#10. X-Treme X-Men #36-39

I had to include some Claremontian Craziness.  And this is probably the most fetishistic ‘fight club’ story I’ve seen (outside of the internet. .. I ADMIT NOTHING!).  I mean, it is REALLY BDSM inspired. Like, the defeated opponent become part of your ‘stable’, and the only way out is to win a rematch.  But really, the whole thing is an excuse for Storm and Callisto to have a rematch, and for them and Yukio to be really, really gay together.  Like “Not even subtle” gay.  And really, who can deny the fun of that? Especially when it ends with the three of them in a hot-tub.  At which point I’ll remind you that at this point in time Callisto had tentacles for arms and they are absolutely EVERYWHERE in that scene.  

9. Deathmatch

This is the longest series to get up here, and its convolution works to its favor, and revealing the extent of it does harm the narrative somewhat.  But the ideas are very similar to Arena.  A mysterious force kidnaps heroes and villains alike and pits them against each other in a series of 1-on-1 fights to the death where the setting is changed to give both combatants equal footing.  It does good character work, though the aftermath of some of the deaths . . . a lot of the deaths could be better, it pays off at the end when the REAL reason for all of it is revealed.  And it’s a pretty good one.  Convoluted, but good.  It helps that a lot of the characters are analogues to major comic characters, but different enough to make them stand out.  The Batman analogue gets to have a confrontation with the Joker analogue where the ‘truth’ behind their ‘dance’ comes out and it’s honestly pretty good.  It’s dark, gory, but ultimately about heroism, and fighting against fate.  

8. Batwing #26

This single issue is basically Enter the Dragon condensed into a single comic book issue.  And it works!  It’s not great, but it’s a fun little story full of pure comic book goofiness.  Also is has an appearance by Pippi Giovanni, the new Legionnaire.  It’s James Bond meets Enter the Dragon meets Batman.  Good stuff. 

7. Birds of Prey #118

Probably the best comic to tie into the whole “Darkside Club” meta-plot that DC ran in the lead up to Final Crisis.  It focuses primarily on Misfit and Black Alice, two characters who do not like each other but have to help one another if they are to escape.  It’s up this high for the character work and plot twists involved.  Good stuff, really.  Also, well-choreographed fights, and drama between the leads. 

6. Wonder Woman v.3 #34-35

Gail Simone at the helm of this one should be an endorsement by itself. Black Canary and Wonder Woman go undercover into one of Roulette’s fighting leagues to rescue an ally who got mind-swapped by Dr. Psycho.  The fight’s are cover, but in the middle of this the goddess Pele enters things because of a MAJOR problem she has with Wonder Woman that resolves itself in perfect Wonder Woman fashion.  The character work is great in these two issues.  Dinah and Diana really do come off as best friends, and Dinah’s commentary on Diana’s fighting style is absolutely perfect for setting things up later on and speaks to her as a character.  Pele gets the respect she deserves as both a threat and more.  It also ends the whole Tom Tresser relationship that was forced on the Wonder Woman books at the time, so bonus points there.  But, really, it’s about Diana and Dinah being awesome friends together. And it’s nice to see friendship amid all this bloodshed.

5. Secret Wars: Ghost Racers

Given that the ‘races’ of this book are as close to races as Twisted Metal.  This is a classic Spartacus style story where one man leads a revolt of warriors to freedom, with the added bonus of granting catharsis for all the people who hated Avengers Arena. The art is beautiful, and the storytelling well done.  It’s odd to see the characters in this situation, but it works very well.  The villain is, in the end, undone by his own sadism.  Which is absolutely perfect. 

I still like to look back at the image of Arcade being taken down and just sighing in relief.  Glorious, glorious catharsis.  For that series, and for others.

4. Secret Wars: Runaways

A Spartacus style story, but this one masked under a school setting to make it even darker (and closer to Battle Royale), with the added bonus of making the kids ignorant of exactly what they’ve done.  And it is tapped for all the drama it is worth.  Though few characters die, each one has impact and matters in the scope of the story in glorious ways.  Good heartbreak, but ultimately, a positive story. 

3. Streets of Gotham #1-4, 7, 10-11

Paul Dini is a name you should always follow.  This is possibly the darkest story on the book, and that’s saying something.  It’s a subplot until the last 3 issues as Victor Zzazz finds himself with the money to do whatever he pleases, and Black Mask gives him the idea of getting people to hurt each other as he . . . really liked to hurt people.  So, what does he do?  Well, if you thought Battle Royale and Hunger Games were brutal and horrifying because of the age of the combatants, lower that average by about 3 to 5 years and you have what Zzazz created.  Imagine Rue and Primrose as the primary age group.  Feel sick yet?  The truly wonderful thing about this is it is not voyeuristic in the slightest.  We never see a fight between victims in the story.  We see the buildup, people’s reaction to it, and the aftermath.  It’s treated as the horror it is, and also points out the logistical trouble of running such an operation with so much death for any extended period of time, which I appreciate. 

And the best horror is not the one we see, but the one we imagine. 

2. Deadly Class #17-21 “Die For Me”

Deadly Class is a story about a school for assassins.  As a ‘final exam’ of sorts, the headmaster reveals that several of the students (those given ‘free schollarships’, those who have broken the rules) were given “Rats” at the beginning of the year (this ‘reveal’ occurs at the end of #16, but the mayhem doesn’t start until #17).  He tells the students, all of whom are the children of criminals, killers, and major political players themselves, that in order to graduate properly, all of the “Rats” must be killed.  What happens is a glorious mess of violence, darkness, and character work as friendships are tried and tested, and the tensions raised over the prior 16 issues seem to come to a head at least in part.  It’s probably best to just read the entire series to really appreciate this arc, get introduced to the characters and their pasts properly.  It’s one of the strengths of the book, really.  I have no idea how it’s going to end, but I doubt it will disappoint me. 

Oddly it shares a plot point in the prior arc with the Runaways series on this list, which came out at roughly the same time. Great minds and all that.

1. Lazarus  #11-15 “Conclave”