#gildedthorn

They were each other's first love — that is something that cannot be erased. Bénja shaped Evan in ways no one else ever gets to, and vice versa. They left traces on one another by growing up together; traces that stick with you for the rest of your life, that define parts of yourself. Bénja was the first person who made Evan truly feel seen, and that is something he will always remember. But that man who used to treat him with so much respect? Who valued Evan's opinion? Who remembered the small things without ever needing to be reminded? Yeah, that man is gone now, and Evan, too, is left with that lingering memory that never vanishes. The only difference: he learned to let go, even if it took time and wasn't easy, whereas Belsh trapped himself in his own grief.

I've hinted at this in the past, but Evan's missing Bénja is something Barty takes advantage of in the beginning of their budding relationship. He knows that, in certain lights or while moving a specific way, he would resemble his brother. And Evan would get this look. This pained expression of wanting something back he once lost, but knows is unable to return to, and therefore, tries his best to bury it as deeply within himself as humanly possible. Because it hurts to remember someone who no longer is, and Evan is not one to chase, never has been. In his mind, he mourned Bénja long enough. That chapter is done and over — or so he thinks.

Yet, he has not gotten over him, not entirely. In his weakest moments, he gives into the idea that it is Bénja and not Barty before him. He pretends, and Barty knows that he does. It is that false pretense he used to coax Evan into more than the friendship or guardianship between them. Naturally, Evan hates himself for it afterwards, because it is wrong to sleep with someone he's supposed to take care of, and it is especially wrong to do so while he pretends it is his first love that also happened to be that someone's older brother. For the longest time, he is unable to seperate one from the other, and this is what makes the beginning of rosekiller's relationship so complicated and leads into a toxic, five-year-long situationship: Barty plays into it while Evan falls for it more often than he would like. Of course, Evan learns to seperate the brothers from one another eventually, and both he and Barty work out a healthier romantic relationship, but it is a long road until they get there.

Evan's missing Bénja is also what makes the forbidden polycule work. Belsh having a shit ton of cash certainly helps, but it is their shared past, and the glimpses of Bénja that occasionally peek through, that convinces Evan to allow Belsh back into his life. Without that link, he would have never given him the time of day.

If Belsh's mother had died, how would that have affected him?

I'm going to answer this from Bénja's perspective, because once we talk about Belsh, the damage has already been dealt, and there is not much that can be changed by the loss of his mother. In fact, it might make him even worse as losing her would mean losing the last person who stands by him. But I digress!

Bénja spent most of his childhood and youth with his mother. Only during summer breaks or other holidays would he travel back to England and stay with his father. Therefore, Liza's influence on Bénja's upbringing had been much greater than Crouch Snr's influence could have been.

As I've mentioned before, Liza sees Bénja as a vessel through which she can accomplish her dreams. Of course, that is not all he is to her, but it plays a big part in their dynamic. Bénja, who has borne witness to her suffering, may it be the torment of her divorce, the humiliation of her ex-husband remarrying so soon, or even the lingering anguish left behind by the sudden end to a promising career, sees it as his duty to achieve those dreams for her. All his life, she cared for and doted on him, and, in his mind, he owes her to repay all that she's done for him. Liza drilling into young Bénja's head that only wealth and success truly matter in life certainly cemented that belief of having to become successful, and, without it, he would mean nothing. This pressure left him vulnerable to influences such as Osmond, who used these dreams against him to make him, quite literally, his bitch. So, had Liza died while Bénja had still been a young boy, he wouldn't have been faced with these expectations that she placed upon him. More so, her death might have made it possible for Crouch Snr and Bénja to make amends with each other and tentatively rekindle their father-son relationship. In Grievances, I wrote that Snr dreamed of working side by side with his eldest son, whom he, unlike Barty, considers an all-round success. Bénja was his angel of a firstborn, the perfect heir. Without Liza there to put Crouch Snr in a bad light repeatedly, Bénja might have given his father a second chance, thus erasing the second weak point which Osmond could have used to his advantage: the absence of a father figure.

Another manner in which Liza influenced Bénja negatively is his arrogance. While she does put him under a lot of pressure, she adores him more than anything in the world. Bénja is her pride and joy. Not Crouch Snr's, no. Hers. He is who she created, who she raised. Bénja is everything her ex-husband could never be. Misogyny is yet another flaw we can add to the long list of what makes Liza such a complicated character, and, to her, bearing and raising a son is the greatest accomplishment a woman could ever achieve. Bénja is the living, breathing proof that she did accomplish exactly that, and there is no way she is not going to flaunt her success. Behind closed doors, she might be strict and tempestuous (strict, not abusive! she never laid a hand on him, and I doubt she even has the heart to hurt her little darling). In front of others, however, she places him on pedestal after pedestal, constantly praising his brilliance, charm, wit, accomplishments, looks, yada yada. Her Bénja is the brightest, quickest, most handsome, and most perfect little thing, and don't you dare say otherwise! Do not even think it! What else is a young boy left to believe than that he is, in fact, everything his mother praises him to be? Even when it comes to his wrongs, Liza always finds ways to excuse them, which is becoming increasingly obvious once he made the transition into Belsh. So, had she died, he would have been humbler, and Bénja would have most likely stuck around a little longer, if not forever.

Starting with--

Barty

Personality wise we both know exactly what kind of person he is. He's a bastard first and foremost and can be intentionally dense when he wants to be. His cunningness and street smarts makes him very calculated but I also like that he's academically smart at well. He's a lot like Bénja in that sense. Barty easily gets top marks without even trying just imagine what he'd be able to do if he had just tried but at the same time he wouldn't be Barty anymore if he tried. He wouldn't learn all his tricks and all the ways to get what he wants. I love the fact that he had a big crush on Evan when he was younger even if Evan didn't feel the same. It didn't stop him from trying tho much to Evan and Bénja's annoyance hehe.

Barty's a big dick and everyone in his vicinity hates him but also somehow doesn't at the same time. There's never been trouble he couldn't talk his way out of. He's one of those people everyone would hate if he wasn't as pretty as he is and he knows it. One of my favorite qualities about him is how versatile he is. He can play a lot of roles and it's fun to explore that and put him in situations he can weasel his way out of. He's a bit of a brat sometimes but he has his sweet moments too even if they're few and far between. Barty knows when he needs to be serious especially when it comes to Evan. His mountain of pride seems to vanish when it comes to that one. He has never hesitated dropping to his knees and begging if he has to. Rosekillers relationship is so codependent but also works so well because no one (well almost no one) works like they do. Barty knows he needs Evan more than Evan needs him and with Evans habbits he's more likely to disappear if Barty pushes him too much. So he dances on the fine line that gets Evan riled up enough for a fun time but never pushes him over the edge. But sometimes Barty pushes the wrong buttons leading Evan to run and hide forcing Barty to hunt him down. It's a game of cat and mouse between predator and predator but barty's entire world revolves Evan so he won't let him go that easily. He'll kiss his feet and beg if he has to as long as Evan will come home with him and it works. Because Evan is weak for barty's sad little puppy eyes and barty's always knows what to say.

Another favorite headcanon is his sex drive and how it plays into their relationship. Barty has a big sex drive and it's often times too much for Evan to handle. So when Evans at work he blows off a little steam with a stranger with Evans permission. It's a half open relationship in that way because 1) Barty gets jealous too easily to see Evan sleep with someone else and 2) because Evan is seldom as horny as Barty it. He really doesn't need multiple partners to keep him sated like Barty does. Evan knows this and trusts Barty enough to know that he'll come home when he's had his fun. Even with Barty's calmer sex drive Evan has his hands full smh. The way Barty clings to him at night is all the comfort he needs to know that Barty's not going anywhere anytime soon.

Next up is

Evan

I don't think it's a secret that Evan is my favorite smh. He's the character I think of most and is partly because some traits of his are mine as well. Don't get me mistaken tho he's not a fill in but I think it's impossible to male characters without putting yourself in them a little. It just so happens that's most prominent with him.

Evan stands on buisness 24/7 and I applaud him for this. He's also very apathetic in a way, mostly coming from how he was raised. He was a ghost in his own house and that left a heavy impression on him. I absolutely adore his relationship with Dora and how wholesome their sibling dynamic is. I'd go as far to say that he wouldn't be here without her but that's discussion for another time. I think out of the three Evan has the biggest range in personalities depending on the au. Sometimes he's more witty and loud and other times he's kinda creepy and off putting. It makes him fun to play around with similar to Barty but there are some cannon events even he can't escape from.

He always has the most aura when he enters the room and there's no better way to put in. Especially in tstbua he's just so cool and nonchalant it makes me giggle hehe. Fun fact to absolutely no ones surprise he's the easiest to draw too. I love love love giving him different hair styles now and then just to try out something new. Design wise he's also got a solid thing going on often wearing earthy tones and not many bright colors. It stems from him being a ghost essentially but he's the kinda quite you don't notice unless he wants you to. One of my favorite things about him is how he's connected to the sea in some shape or form. Especially in your snippets/oneshots I giggle when there's a sinister Easter egg to the ocean.

Evan's had a long journey character wise I like to think he used to be a lot quieter when he was a kid. He was selectively mute and would I not really respond to Dora. But even then he never doubted his identity one bit. He always knew he was a man from the start and it's something I admire about his character. He might be nervous and uncertain about other things but this is the one thing he's sure of and he won't let people give him shit for it. But this also led him to develop a form of internalized misogyny I think. He used to avoid certain behaviors he deemed too 'girly' because he didn't want to give people a reason to doubt his identity. It got a lot better as he grew up (in part to Dora absolutely not letting her brother have that mindset) especially after he met Barty. Barty was so shameless and unapologetic that it couldn't be helped to rub off on Evan a bit. Things really changed when Evan saw Barty in drag once and somehow fell for him harder. Barty had a real fun time after discovering this weakness of his and at the end of the night Evan was left with lipstick stains where there really shouldn't be.

His relationship with Bénja is a lot more complicated tho. Even if reasonably Evan knows that Bénja as he knew him is dead he still can't help but search for traces of him in Belsh. He grew into himself a lot more after their breakup but old habbits die hard and he's still human after all. It's hard not wanting to show off how confident and hot you look now to your ex boyfriend when he's standing right there.

Last but not least onto your favorite (I even wrapped him up nice and pretty for you)

Bénja/Belsh

If Barty is a bastard then Belsh is Bastard²

Where to even begin with this one smh, it's hard to describe him as anything else but tragic. The hero of the story turned villain because of some poor decisions and things out of his contro. The sad part is that he would've turned out the same way no matter what he chose because this was always going to be his fate. Every choice he makes seems to matter so much but also not at all at the same time because some things are predetermined. Bénja is confident, he's loud, and he lights up any room he walks into. In contrast to Barty everyone just seems to love and adore him. Hes frustratingly charming yet arrogant yet it only feeds more into his charm. Some love him, some love to hate on it, and some would pull down his pants and fall on their knees as soon as they met him smh. His ego is the size of a 10 story building but even then he (mostly) keeps it under control.

But for all his suave and charming nature it falls flat in the face of Evan Rosier. I love how their story starts and I hurt when it ends. Evan is one of the few people that can make him nervous. The few people he wants to impress and he seems to be doing a shit job at it right now. But against all odds they end up together and they end up quite happy too, atleast for a time. Their love was one of the purest forms of love and yet it wasn't enough and that's the tragedy behind it. In any other story they would've gotten their happily ever after but this one doesn't end when they've had their happy ending. Its a case of "you could do everything right and still loose anyway" Because it really doesn't matter what Bénja or Evan chose because they never stood a chance.

Even with all the money and the fame and everything he truly wanted Belsh could never be satisfied because he lost the one thing that made him feel human in the first place. His fall off grace really needs to be studied smh. How can such a caring and sweet guy turn into such an asshole. The easy answer is money and greed of course. In the pursuit of both he starts to worry about his image and even develop internalised homophobia. And yet through it all he still can't get Evan out of his mind. My favorite headcanon is that he keeps a Polaroid of when they were dating in his office desk somewhere to torture himself by looking at it every now and then. He drinks his sorrows away and hopes to drift off to a dream where he still had Evan and when they were still happy. His patheticness really does make him an equal match to Barty's desperation, not to mention both their possessiveness. Belsh has the kind of sad eyes you only find in eastern European porn and Barty has the kind of eyes you'll only find in Western porn.

He's a tragically pathetic character and I honestly don't think there's much I can add that you don't already know smh. He's willing to corrupt his own morals to be with the man he loves and that in itself is it's own twisted and pitiful form of love he best represents. Belsh has so many layers and masks to him that I doubt even he knows which one is the real him anymore. I think he has a big identity crisis that he would never admit out loud. So much of his own sense of self is defined but what he has that he has a hard time knowing what he'd be without them. He has trapped himself in his own little cage for so long that he forgot he had the key all along. He's too stubborn to let go so he's doomed to be stuck in his own made cell until someone takes pity and sets him free.

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But anyways I hope you found the answers you were looking for and if not I hope it's entertaining nonetheless. This ended up just being a really long scatter brained rant on the characters and i hope the drawings make up for how messy it is lol. Here's a version for all the drawings compiled together for better viewing (yes that is Barty in a cat maid dress if anyone was wondering, no I don't know why I chose that specifically). Thank you for giving me this opportunity my crumb coated friend I hope you enjoyed the tits hehe