Summary: Life was a willow and it bent right to your wind (inspiration from “willow” by taylor swift)
genre: angst with a happy ending
Sometimes, Dan just wishes he tried harder. Other times, he’s just happy he’s still loved by Phil.
There was a time when it was just them against the world. They were scary times but, in a way, Dan had felt the safest during them. Every single risk was taken together and somehow they all paid off. Phil was an anchor, solid to the ground and Dan just clung on for dear life, unable to sway every which way. They were a team, initially fuelled by admiration and love, later fuelled by passion and creativity.
It wasn’t that Dan fell out of love, quite the opposite actually. It was more that he fell so in love that he was scared of how deep he could go. There was a time when he couldn’t do anything without Phil being by his side and that was well and truly terrifying because he was a grown man, so co-dependant that thoughts of how he’d cope alone kept him up at night. The conversation hadn’t gone well, Phil was left hurt and broken down. Dan was left empty.
But they grew; like a willow tree. Strong and beautiful, using their roots to bloom. Their fans were loyal, sticking by them through the awkwardness and turmoil. They never really understood, though.
Dan had thought something was wrong with Phil for a while. He was...happy. And not in his usual Phil way, but something much deeper. His smile was wider, his tongue peeking out the corner more often. He was fresh and ready to work on his projects, never letting the strenuous hours of work he was doing per day get him down.
Dan was happy for him of course, happy that he didn’t dwell on the past. Phil still loved him, though in a much different way to what he once did. Dan told himself that was fine, though.
“Hey...” Phil started, wandering into the living room. It was 10am. Dan hadn’t slept, but he could tell from the way that Phil sat opposite him, his leg not pulled up beneath him, that it was serious.
Dan stopped his typing, peering over the top of his laptop. Phil was looking at him expectantly, his face pulled into an unreadable expression.
“Um, hi?” Dan said, raising an eyebrow.
“Dan, I’m going to talk and you’re going to listen, okay?” he said, lip worried between his teeth.
“I’m seeing someone. He’s really incredible,” Phil whispered, head down turned.
The pain wasn’t instant, rather a numbness. It took over Dan’s brain like fire, his fingers tingling. He pulled his lips into a smile, what did he expect?
“That’s wonderful, I’m very happy for you,” Dan lied. Phil rolled his eyes at him.
“You’re a terrible liar, but thanks for trying.”
“I’m sorry,” Dan whispered. “I really am happy for you, Phil.”
“Doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt though, right?” Phil said sadly, his hand grabbing hold of Dan’s. “This doesn’t change us, okay?”
“Phil, don’t worry. I’m not a child,” Dan smiled, squeezing Phil’s hand. The sentiment was nicer than Dan would admit.
It wasn’t true, though. Everything did change and Dan had to pretend it was okay. Even worse, Owen was lovely. He was tall and poised, hair a curly mop atop his head, not unlike Dan’s, with kind green eyes that quite literally twinkled, even under the dim light of Dan and Phil’s living room light. Dan had to sit in the living room and watch a film with them as they giggled, curled up on the one person armchair as if there wasn’t a whole sofa.
“I think I’m gonna retire,” Dan said halfway through the film, when the sound of smacking lips was almost too much for his heart to handle; on the precipice of shattering. He was heartbroken in a way he never had been before.
He stood up, muttering a goodnight in Phil’s direction.
When he was in his bed, he didn’t cry like he wanted to. He just scrolled through depressing quotes on Tumblr, liking a few and leaving the detecting skills up to the fans. He was hurting so badly. He realised he never had really gotten out of that pit. He was falling deeper, but this time he didn’t have Phil’s chest to soften his fall, or his hand to hold when he got a little too close to the end.
Head on the pillow, I could feel you sneakin' in
He could see people already speculating, but it just hurt his heart even more to see the theories.
There was a knock at the door at 12:07am.
“Dan?” Phil’s voice drifted to him.
“Phil,” Dan replied, his voice was much more cracked then he would’ve liked.
“I’m sorry,” Phil whispered. Dan heard him shuffling, confused until the corner of his duvet lifted up and Phil slipped in beside him, their faces inches away.
“What are y-” Dan started.
“I’m trying to apologise to you, you stubborn bitch,” Phil joked, eyes half-lidded.
“You don’t need to apologise, Phil. You deserve to be happy,” Dan promised. Phil’s hand emerged from under the duvet, cradling Dan’s cheek. He felt Phil swipe under his eyes. When did he start to cry?
“So do you,” Phil mumbled, tilting his head.
“I already fucked it up. Don’t let me do it again,” Dan said.
“I love you, idiot,” Phil said, his voice sounded sad now. “But I love Owen, too.”
“I love you, too, Phil,” Dan whispered, choking on a sob.
Phil cradled Dan, pulling him into his chest with an arm around him.
“Well what are we going to do?” Phil asked. He sounded so fucking tired; almost as tired as Dan felt.
The more that you say, the less I know
Dan was lost. He woke up the morning after, his bed empty and freezing cold. He wasn’t thriving anymore. He couldn’t go on Tumblr or twitter without seeing his face and he couldn’t go into his own kitchen without seeing his face either.
That's why he was at Reading train station, his mouth dry as he recited his family home address.
His mum didn’t ask too many questions when he called. As soon as he told her, she told him to come to her.
Going back home was positive in ways, but really negative in others. Especially when he’d spent a Christmas with the Lester's once. His childhood home was cold and filled with terrifying things, mental demons and sign posts of things that made him feel nauseous.
“Sweetheart, I made tea,” his mum said, unsure on how to react.
Dan was already crying by the time they’d sat down at the table, telling his mum everything. She probably struggled to follow, but she nodded along and reached out a hand to hold Dan’s when he started clenching his fist, unsure on what to do with his muscles.
“Dan,” she said slowly, her eyes were kind. “You love Phil.”
“That’s the problem,” he whispered, using the heel of his hand to wipe his eyes. “That’s the fucking problem. Because he loves me, too.”
“And I love you, too,” she said. “I know it’s not the same, Daniel, but we’re strong, yeah? We’re here together. I know it’s weird for you, but I’m really happy. You’ve grown into everything I wanted for my child. You’re capable and wise and so so intelligent, Dan. Phil is your best friend, don’t let this ruin you.”
“I’m trying,” he breathed.
Dan had been ‘home’ for 5 days. It had only been him and his mum. They’d bonded and done things together that they should’ve done before he was 29 years old, but they did them. He felt..happy?
He was woken in the night though, his phone vibrating on the table rousing him from an actually peaceful sleep.
“Phiw?” Dan slurred, eyes squinted at the clock 12:07am
Phil was sobbing down the phone, actual painful sobs that tore Dan’s heart out.
“Phil, fuck, are you okay?” Dan panicked, jumping out of bed. He was topless, exposed to the cold air, but he didn’t really care.
“Dan, please,” was all Phil cried.
Show me the places where the others gave you scars
“Mum, I have to go,” Dan heard himself saying, knocking on the door to his mums room.
“Why? Are you okay?” she asked groggily. A mothers instinct.
“It’s Phil,” Dan stuttered. “He just called. He’s sobbing down the phone to me, he won’t tell me what's wrong.”
Dan’s mum had helped him pack his stuff and gathered him up into her car.
“Mum, it’s like a 90-minute drive.”
“Darling,” was all she said with a shake of her head. “Some things are more important than an extra 90 minutes in bed.”
The ride was tense though, Dan was constantly texting Phil telling him he was on his way,
was the last thing he sent before he was clambering out of his mums car and getting his bags out the boot.
“Bye, mum, thankyou for everything,” Dan said as she stepped out the car to wrap him in a hug, somehow managing despite her tiny frame.
“I love you, look after him.”
“I love you, too. And I will.”
He waved her off, jittering anxiously to get to Phil. Once she was off in the distance, he went up to their apartment, opening the door.
“Phil?” Dan called, dropping his bags down. He was about to go looking before he was pushed up against a wall, lips covering his own. Dan could still taste the salt of his tears.
“Dan,” Phil whimpered as they pulled away briefly for air before reconnecting their lips.
“I’ve got you, bub,” Dan mumbled, pulling Phil even closer to him, two large hands covering his lower back till they were pushed flushed together from head to toe.
They just kept kissing, but their hands stayed where they were. Phil’s embracing around Dan’s neck and Dan rubbing gentle circles into Phil’s back.
When they finally pulled away, Phil rested his forehead against Dan’s, sniffling slightly.
When Phil had calmed down, Dan had managed to get him to settle down in his bed to have a bit of extra sleep, clinging to Dan like a koala. Dan would never let him go again if he could help it.
“Dan,” Phil mumbled before he slept, yawning.
“I’m sorry it took so long for me to realise. It’s always been you. I really didn’t want it to be, but it is.”
“It’s always been us, Phil,” Dan promised, kissing the top of his head.
“Dan and Phil vs the world,” Phil muttered, nestling more into Dan’s chest.
I'm begging for you to take my hand
Wreck my plans, that's my man
