#genericwhiteboy

These poor critters carry, deliver, and raise their young in such painful and deadly ways, the so-called Miracle of Life becomes a curse of pissed-off-warlock proportions.

New Cracked column! Human pregnancy certainly isn't fun, but it could be much, much worse. You could be this cute lil' froggie, who birthed her babies by literally puking them up like a frat boy after eating five bowls of Jell-O shots. Or any of the other terrible horrorshow pregnancies nature has dreamed up over the years.

Residing deep at the bottom of the Nostalgia Ocean is the realization that a lot of old-school games were actually quite easy. Games haven't gotten easier, because they never stopped being so.

Today I lay my head at Topless Robot, with an article about old-school gaming being not quite as difficult as we remember it being. In fact, a lot of the time, it was ludicrously simple.

Wimpy bosses? Constant spoon-feeding of directions and instructions? Unlimited lives and continues? The '80s and '90s had that shit COVERED.

I grew up in communist Romania under the watchful eye of despotic president Nicolae Ceausescu. I watched my country torn to tatters, and it still hasn't even halfway recovered.

I edit, I column, and now I interview for Cracked! This here's my first attempt at Dick Joke Journalism, where I help somebody who grew up in Communist Romania tell her story. There was way more JR Ewing and middle-aged women pretending to be John Wayne then you might have imagined.

Say what you want about Snakes on a Plane as a movie, but at least it delivered on its title. There was a plane, and that plane had snakes right on it ... Sadly, that kind of integrity is rare in Hollywood. More often, we get our hearts broken with empty promises like ...

I wrote a new thing on Cracked, which means you have a new thing on Cracked to love forever and ever.

Some movie titles tell you exactly what to expect, like Dracula, others prefer to seduce with vagueness, like Shawshank Redemption. But some just lie their asses off to make you buy a ticket, like the clown cases I took to task.

For 40+ years, I’ve been forced to climb a mountain by the taskmasters at CBS. And not just climb — I’m expected to topple over the edge and crash some 100 feet (well, it’s 100 feet to me anyways) to a death that I pray will quickly come and yet never does. I’d sooner perform one of those mundane nothing jobs you losers constantly complain about. Oh, you operate a cash register and sometimes ring up multiple items? How I weep. When’s the last time you ended up in fucking traction because your co-worker didn’t know the price of milk?

So I finally organized me a real website, and even bought a real URL (my own name, because I'm a fucking egomaniac.) Whenever I'm able to, I'll try to post some site-exclusive content in addition to the HIRE ME message that it is the main point of this project.

Today, I present Article the First, a sad tale of how awful an existence the yodeling dude from the Price is Right leads, falling to his doom day in and day out and going home alone to an empty apartment every time.

This was originally written for The Geekout last march, and they even paid me for it, but they done vanished into thin air before posting it. So, their loss is my site's gain. Not to mention my wallet's.

Every role should be played by somebody that Outraged Nerd Inc. will immediately proclaim doesn't "fit the part," but who could theoretically turn in an awesome performance and prove ONI wrong yet again.

I wrote a new thing for Topless Robot, where I cast the Batman/Superman movie in the most rage-baity manner possible, like having the squeaky-voiced girl from Big Bang Theory portray Harley Quinn. Hell, why not? Intentionally trolling easily-angered nerds who think they know everything is apparently where this movie is headed anyhow. Might as well take it to its logical limit.

Well shoot, I wrote this article at the end of 2013, but it wasn't posted till the 6th of this month. I didn't see it till the 10th of this month. And I'm just now hawking it on Tumblr, on the 13th of this month. Just in time for everybody to break their own New Year's Resolutions, actually. I'm timelier than I thought.

Anyhows, here it is, written for CBS National. Ten sports stars and their New Years Resolutions, as told to me by them. Because what multimillionaire athlete WOULDN'T want some nobody Internet clown to record them saying humiliating shit that would get them in so much lock room trouble? None, that's how many.

With nobody telling the musicians that they should probably stick to musicianing, we ended up with adventures in idiocy such as these.