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i wanna know what God I pissed off bc today's thanksgiving right? so already, not gonna be a great day bc family gatherings always lead to politic talk and ppl basically debating if I should be alive (they don't know i'm queer)
but then ofc today has to be a masc day (I'm afab) so I'm going to be constantly misgendered and dead named all freaking day (I'm not out)
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it's astounding how shocked i was when i realized that I was Not Cis. I had spent years admiring masculine fashion and going so far as to mimic my favorite male peers' style of dress. I just figured that maybe I was more of a tomboy. but admiration turned to whispers of discontent, of longing to be more that I was. the clothes that I bought didn't fit right, they clung to the wrong parts of my body. I started mumbling about how it would look better if I was boy, how I wished I was a boy, how my heart raced as I read about my favorite characters falling in love. and I realized. I realized I did not simply enjoy the story and appreciate the inclusion, but I longed for that to be me. I wanted to be that boy.
it was not a traditional kind of masculine archetype that I longed to become. I wanted softness, shyness, gentleness. I didn't want to change me so much as I wanted to change how I looked. it confused me for a long time. I'm still not sure even now what it is that I'm so desperately seeking. I put that part of me in a box a year or so ago and tried to light it on fire.
but despite everything, it remains.
I still feel like im floundering here, fumbling at something in the shadows, some ill-defined goal that can never be reached. am I trans? I don't know. am I cis? I don't think so. that's why I've stayed with genderfluid for so long because it ebbs and flows. I don't feel dysphoria so much as I just feel awkward. "my boobs don't go with my outfit." I've ended up in a masc mood in a dress and I get very uncomfortable for the whole time. It doesn't usually swing the other way. but I don't feel like im missing anything, just that I've got too many parts. I don't need or want any of this stuff.
Being genderfluid, at least in my experience, means always being in a gender crisis. My gender switches on a dime and usually multiple times a day. I'll wake up feeling like maybe a girl and then by bed time I'll have been nonbinary, demiboy, bigender, girl again, demigirl, etc. It's really annoying because I can't lock down any pronouns to stick to so I just go by any pronouns even though that doesn't feel particularly right to me. But nothing feels right. Not wrong, just not right either. I'm just always so confused about what I want and how I want to present because my gender just...flips like crazy and it affects a lot of things in my life. Even a future career I might like seems influenced by my gender at the time. It's so weird.
Anyone else relate?
Hello once again, singular follow (and possibly others)!
Clearly I’m not as talented of a speaker as the person in the book who I’m following their example.. but that’s okay.
I don’t have to be as good as a speaker as them!
Now, to the “Gender Files(TM) Rant”
~whooo~
I wish my gender let me just… you know. Stay me. This morning, I woke up, felt hypermasculine, and I acted hypermasculine all day.
Then it just decided “nah, no thanks.” and suddenly I was uncomfortable af in my masc clothes because I wasn’t as feminine as I wanted to be.
Screw my gender! Stupid clothes. I wonder if just being naked would help…
Fuck fuck fuck me and my crying ass. Chest binders are so fucking expensive, and all the programs I find for giving away used ones are USA/Canada only. But I feel worse and worse in this fucking body and I just want my male phase to end so I don’t experience dysphoria. Like what the fuck god, or whatever, wouldnt it be enough for me to be bisexual and have to deal with the whole fucking world dissmising my orientation? no, no, add the whole being genderfluid thing, because Im so good at coping with everything right. Like yeah I dont even try using different pronouns than she/her because I know it would make my life even fucking worse. Do you have any idea how much I want to vomit when Im a male and my boyfriend treats my tits like they’re the only thing about me worth admiring. I want to cut them off, or cut my thighs again because why not. So I just lately got the courage to finally tag my instagram photos with #genderfluid and I don’t think I have any more of it to actually talk about this to anyone.
And also I havent exactly told my bf im genderfluid, but Ive told him once when I was drunk I experience these phases of being different genders, and he seemed okay with it. But now I told him Im broke and cant afford a binder and it makes me feel shitty, and he just responded with “Why would you need that”
kill me
just
fucking
kill me
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i want so badly to be okay with being a traditional girl and liking girly things and i do!!! i love dresses and make up and cute shoes but i also like dressing masculine in t-shirts and sweatshirts with chisled features and facial hair!!! i hate being genderfluid people think that you get like the best of both worlds and it's great because you get to switch between genders but do you!! know!! what!! it's!! like!!!!!!! it's hell!!!!!!!!!!!! i will never be happy with where i am with my gender...it's constantly changing and for the most part i try to ignore it because i think that things will just be easier for me if i stay cis and they will but it's just so hard because people see me as a girl first and then a tomboy and i really cherished those few moments last year where i was addressed as a male when i presented as male it honestly made my day and i just...like if i ever got married i'd want a dress but like...what if i have a boy day when i'm getting married?? do i just power through it because i am stuck on dresses or do i just decide that staying true to myself in the moment is more important and hate myself everyday afterward???? i don't know!!!! luckily my boyfriend is bi/pan so he doesn't really care (and i honestly think he'd prefer me with a dick...he's a kinky fuck but that's another story) but what if we don't work out???? how do i explain myself to everyone else??? "lol yeah so a lot of the time i present like a traditional girl but to be honest i'm basically genderless until someone gets all sexist and then i basically kill them but aside from that i lean towards tomboy/male unless i don't in which case i am femme/female??? what?????????? fuck me this is hard
Hot damn I look good in a button-down shirt and a bow tie. Now someone erase the look of utter disappointment and failure from my face and I am a sexy son of a bitch.
I am seriously stressed, depressed and really well-dressed today.
I look like a girl but I think like a guy. Especially today. Honestly, sometimes I wish I wasn't genderfluid, but I am and I have to live with not being able to express that openly for at least another year and a half. And I know that there are others like me who have it a lot harder, but still. I've been through a lot of shit in my 17 years and this is the last thing I need. So if you care at all about me, all I ask is that you address me with male pronouns today, thanks.
