#gempulse

This is the worst possible thing that could have happened to her.

Gem bit down hard on her pointer finger’s knuckle as she paced back and forth, the skirt of her dress swooshing as she did so. She was currently in Dawn, having recently left her home in Hermitcraft via world hopping. Well, one of her homes.

She managed to have two home servers, which she knew was greedy. Most reside in one place and later move servers once everyone else moved on to another project. She, however, got two invites and couldn’t resist accepting both of them. Gem knew maintaining two home servers was draining for many (that was part of the reason Pearl decided to not move to the next Empires server with her) but she loved both too much to want to give up either of them.

Has this all been a mistake? It may be uncommon but it wasn’t like she was the first to live in two home servers! Besides, many others jumped around servers for a chance to do something new. Most didn’t stay in one home server their entire existence. Some would server hop to other places to take an extended holiday. Others used that time as a place to reside while their next home server was being constructed. Most would participate in short-term events and games, such as MCC or mini-games. It was all perfectly normal!

Most people who switched it up, however, didn’t pretend to be a girl when they were clearly (unfortunately) a boy.

Gem felt herself choke on that thought as blood rushed to her head and her stomach felt like the end’s void. Her arms wrapped tightly around herself as tears continued to steadily stream down her face. When had she started crying?

Being (pretending to be?) a girl has been a spectacular experience and she treasured every moment. She was finally able (finally allowing herself) to wear all the pretty dresses she had always admired from afar. Gem loved a good pair of overalls but something about dresses made her feel so euphoric.

When she took on a role as a wizard, she was able to easily excuse her outfit choices when Pearl had asked. “Everyone wears dresses in Crystal Cliffs! It’s just a part of the culture.” and “If people see me as a girl then that’s g- I mean, fine! Girl wizards are underappreciated anyway so I don’t mind being that powerful example!”

Looking back, maybe her excuses weren’t that great. Pearl didn’t seem to believe her but she had let it slide. Empires was more roleplay-heavy than Hermitcraft was anyway so the line on what was real and what wasn’t was extremely blurred. Knowing what was true to who someone was and what was an act or an effect of that world’s mechanics could be confusing to all of them. This was true even on non-roleplay-heavy servers!

Maybe the whole girl thing was just the Empires server’s effect on her? Saying that implied that she felt more like a boy on Hermitcraft, which wasn’t the case. Saying that implied that she really was a boy, which felt… strange. Bad, even? She’s been a boy and always has been a boy so why did it feel so wrong to think that?

Gem loved her friends with all of her heart. She loved her friends here on Empires and she loved her friends on Hermitcraft. She loved the friends she made when spawning onto MCC and when visiting the various servers she managed to get invited to, such as others’ home servers and temporary servers. 

If she loved them so much, why was she so terrified of them meeting? So terrified of them interacting? Many of them have had full conversations before so why was this any different? What was it about her friends coming to her other home that was throwing her into a partway breakdown?

Gem knew of the rift and she knew what must be happening. It didn’t take an idiot to put it all together! She got Grian’s invitation and she knew what he wanted to show all the Hermits. She had seen it in his base! It wasn’t exactly hidden. She had seen the other side here by the festival grounds as well. All the emperors have been talking about it so it wasn’t like she could avoid its acknowledgment if she tried. Her two worlds were colliding and there was nothing she could say or do to impact it.

Why was she so panicked? Why did the world feel as if it were going to end? This wasn’t their last Hermitcraft server! The moon wasn’t going to crash down on them. Neither of her home servers showed signs of moving on yet. The Hermits entering through the rift could easily be compared to some of her friends simply going on vacation here. It didn’t mean destruction was doomed to come. People visited other servers all the time! The existence of the rift suggested there was more to it than simply logging off of Hermitcraft and logging on to a different server, though. Maybe that was what scared her?

Gem was right on what Grian wanted to show them, of course. The rift opened and Hermits started to enter. She could feel it in her bones moments before her comm started pinging in her pocket. Why was she so upset? She didn’t understand her own mindset.

The rift was a world mechanic to trap the Hermits here, wasn’t it? What other purpose would it have? Was the universe wanting to punish her for something? Gem struggled to think of what she could have done that would have angered Them so much. Either way, she couldn’t ignore that this was happening. Pearl had just been one Hermit to convince that what she was doing was normal behavior. Could she convince the rest of her friends? Could she even continue to convince herself?

False existed in this world as well. Or at least, a version of False did. Gem tried to talk to False when she first realized a fellow Hermit (that wasn’t Pearl) joined her on the next Empires home server. False had no memory of her and seemed rather skittish when she tried to start a conversation. Gem could even classify her behavior as paranoid and confused. When Gem tried to bring it up to False on Hermitcraft, her friend tensed but tried to avoid her line of questioning like the plague.

Gem dropped the subject with them. She didn’t need to know everything that went on in her friends’ lives and she respected her friend enough to not bother either version of her any longer. False could have her privacy. Gem would have wanted False to respect her privacy if the roles were reversed so of course she stopped pressing.

The dread inside her only increased as her comm continued to go off. Gem didn’t have to look at it to know each notification compiled together to make a series of joining messages, confused question marks, and people posting their reactions to what was happening. There were probably updates given on where each of them ended up and where they were heading as well. The communicator was called a communicator for a reason, after all.

She couldn’t hide away forever. It wasn’t like she kept her existence on Empires a secret. That would be a fairly big secret to keep, especially when some of her friends had become friends with her other friends when they met on whatever various server it was. Gem was aware of Scott’s consistent friendship with Cleo, for example. Tango and Jimmy were soulmates during one of the life games Grian put on too! Don’t even get her started on how Joel and Etho would sneak off to go race boats together when they thought everyone else was sleeping or logged off of whichever server they decided to be on that night. Expecting there to be no overlap would be foolish when the overlap has been there for as long as she could remember.

How would she explain living as a girl to them? Maybe they would think her memory was wiped when she switched worlds like False’s was. That is what she assumed was happening with False, anyway, but she didn’t truly have a clue.

Gem took a deep breath as she turned to the mirror leaning against the wall nearby. She might as well look presentable and happy to go greet everyone. There was no point in avoiding them forever and they were her friends! She cared about them deeply, even if the situation was bringing up unwanted anxieties.

The initial welcomes and wanderings of the Hermits went spectacularly. All of her Empires friends greeted her Hermitcraft friends with open arms. She also greeted them all openly, forcing all the negative emotions nipping at her to the back of her mind. Gem just ignored the fact that she existed on both servers and diverted the topic whenever it was mentioned.

With so many of them here, her different appearance had put off some of her friends and it was more than just the outright femininity. Servers had the capability of shutting off key features (usually physical but there were some that affected their emotional and mental states) of who they were and supplying them with new ones. It kept their lives interesting, though the whole idea and process was quite jarring if one were to think about it too long.

It was strange, she could admit, that this world suppressed her elven features. It was not like something silly such as pointed ears affected how she would live or conduct herself but she knew it was pointless questioning it. This server had done the same with Scott’s elven features too, despite fully leaning into Scott’s elven heritage potential in the first empires server. She wasn’t the only one who experienced changes when server hopping.

Many features would stay consistent among players no matter the servers they were currently residing in. It was much like the features were a part of them at their core over whatever the server gifted or took away from them. Grian’s wings, Tango’s blaze traits (specifically his hair), Joel’s antenas, and Cleo’s zombie appearance (they were more so of a zombie hybrid than a zombie mob) were good examples of features being bound to who they were underneath everything.

Gem’s antlers often followed her around as well but, alas, that was another feature this server suppressed. Once a feature was given, it was just as likely to stick around as it was to leave once their home server was assigned elsewhere. Jimmy’s canary wings were a sign of that potential and it has happened too many other times to count. No one bothered to do so. They were all used to it by now.

Impulse, Cub, and (Hermit) False showed up at Dawn with Shelby only moments after Gem went to greet them. As the gracious host she was, she gave them a tour of her empire and it was exciting to show them a place she had been working on. Dawn had a different scale and architectural style compared to her base back on Hermitcraft so seeing them gawk at her range warmed her with pride.

Once the tour had concluded, Impulse turned to her as the others started to leave. “Hey, can I talk to you?” The smile Gem had on her face fell but she nodded anyway. She trusted Impulse wouldn’t hurt her but she couldn’t stop her fear levels from spiking. “Sure.”

They found a rock to sit down on a bit away from the nether portal the others left from, staying silent most of the time. Gem could feel her heart pounding in her chest. The silence was killing her! She couldn’t take it any longer, her mouth starting to speak before her brain could process what she was saying. “This isn’t about me being on two home servers, right? I thought it had been mentioned before but, if not, I had no intention of blindsiding you- any of you! We all have different servers we visit and I know two home servers can be difficult to manage but I have been putting in the work to better both of my homes! You’re an amazing neighbor and companion and me being here doesn’t mean-”

“Gem.” Impulse interrupted her rambling with a tone she couldn’t read. Gem had not been looking at him the whole time she was rambling, staring elsewhere as a way to avoid possible direct confrontation and to keep herself together. She gripped onto her dress’ fabric as she sucked in a breath. Why was she a mess like this?

“Yes?” Gem asked, voice soft as she now looked down at her hands. The fabric of her dress felt soft against her skin, though there was some contrasting texture when she ran her fingers against the stitching and embellishments.

“You know that isn’t why I want to talk to you.” Impulse was right. She did know that. Gem didn’t respond but she did look up to meet his gaze. He looked hesitant but mostly guilty. Why did he look guilty? “Gem, I… have we been using the wrong pronouns? Are you a girl?” Gem opened her mouth to answer them but no sounds came out. Impulse suggesting the idea that she was a girl felt like pure bliss. It was probably just because she was on empires and she was allowed to be a girl here. Where did that thought come from? Allowed to be a girl? No, it was just roleplay. She was allowed to act as a girl but she wasn’t one. Was she?

She must have been quiet for too long because Impulse kept going. “It’s okay if you are! I won’t be mad, obviously, I just, you know, wish you would have told me.” “You think I’m a girl?” Gem muttered mostly to herself, voice cracking as if it threatened to break.

Impulse picked up on her quiet mumble, the confusion on his face showing that he didn’t know how to take her words. “Gem, you’ve referred to yourself as a princess and with she/her pronouns so many times since I’ve arrived. You are wearing a dress and you look so much happier in it than all the other times you wore more traditionally masculine outfits back on Hermitcraft. The cute overalls helped bring some of that happiness up within you but the dress… All of the emperors refer to you with ‘she’ and such as well. I’ve even heard you use she/her on Hermitcraft but you always ‘corrected’ yourself so I let it go. I should have asked when I noticed you continued to be tense whenever it happened and I am so sorry I didn’t.” “Guys can wear dresses.” She protested weakly, not sure why she was holding onto it. Gem denied it to Impulse, she denied it to Pearl, and, even worse, she denied it to herself. No matter how much she tried to deny it, she couldn't prove that being a guy made her happy. It was an impossible task when all evidence pointed elsewhere.

“They can but guys don’t see themselves as girls when they do that. Guys don’t get super happy when someone perceives them as a girl. They are just a guy in a dress. You can ask Grian all about that and he can expand on the difference. You look genuinely happier when referred to as a girl.” Impulse grabbed her hands to hold, looking heartbroken as he tried to properly convey himself. “Did something happen to make you feel like you couldn’t come to us about this? Did you feel as if we wouldn't accept you? Some of us are trans, too, you know. Myself included.” “I know that. I just… but, I,” Gem’s vision was blurred from all the tears that swelled up in her eyes, “I’m not a… I…” “You can’t even say it without crying.” Impulse sighed, letting go of her hands in favor of pulling her into a hug. Their arms wrapped comfortably around her, using their right hand to rub a portion of her back in gentle circles. “Gem, boy or girl or anything else, I care about you for you. I would never ask you to be someone you aren’t. We would never reject you for being your truest self. I would never reject you. It doesn’t matter what you say to me or what you do with your life. I don’t ever see myself ever doing so.”

Gem buried her face into their shoulder, sobs being muffled by the fabric of their top. She was a girl, wasn’t she? She tried to reject the idea to herself so many times (it was exhausting) but being a girl felt so much more like her than any other gender she could claim. “I… I am a girl.” “You are a girl.” Impulse confirmed what she knew in her heart was true. He continued to comfort her as the realization was finally saved from drowning. He was too kind to her. They didn’t tease her for taking so long to admit it to herself. They only whispered soft reassurances and held her close for as long as she desired.

“Thank you, ‘pulse.” Gem felt recovered enough that she guessed she would not start crying again (her tears had stopped) once she left the hug but she craved their comfort too much for her to want to leave it just yet. He has always given really wonderful hugs. Impulse had this way of making all her worries and stressors drain away like they were nothing. Gem was grateful that he was in her life. “I’m glad you’re here.” She could sense Impulse smile down at her (even though her face was still buried into his shoulder) as they played with her braid. “I’m glad I’m here too. I’m excited to see what you’ve been up to on this server. It’ll also be nice to see some of my non-hermit friends.”

That was when Gem finally pulled away, tears no longer trailing down her cheeks. Her facial features had lit up, green eyes shining brightly and a grin stretching from ear to ear. “You will love it! We’re spending too much time here when I should be showing you around more with everyone else! They must be gathering by now, if not already visiting some of the other empires. I think you would like Gobland; it’s too dark for my liking but Fwhip is an amazing builder so it is worth a visit from time to time. All of the other empires are a sight to behold too! Just wait until you see them for yourself and you’ll understand.”