Originally this post was supposed to be just the top image with the comment "I have no context for this". Then I remembered that I can just make up context for the things that I draw and God is powerless to stop me.
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The Lump in Your Throat, The Ache in Your Bones (Shinon/Gatrie)
Author: legault/pinksnowboots (fic blog)
Notes: Set post Path of Radiance chapter 18, where you re-recruit Shinon.
Words: 1896
Summary: After rejoining the Greil Mercenaries, Shinon would rather drink and lick his wounds than talk to anyone, even Gatrie. Gatrie has something to say about that.
I listened to some Titus Andronicus songs about the horrors of war and of course I thought of maybe the most dysfunctional character in PoR/RD! Maybe now I should go finish the other Shinon/Gatrie fic that I started eight years ago...
Crossposted to AO3.
Gatrie finds him in a tavern after the battle. Theyâre in Daein, enemy territory, and so Gatrie really has no business being in a place where he draws so much attention as an obvious foreigner.Â
Neither does Shinon, for that matter, but heâs had enough ale not to care, and besides, wasnât he fighting with Daein not too long ago? That, his bow and arrow, and the withering glares he shoots everyone keep the other customers at bay.
All but Gatrie, who barges in and heaves himself onto the stool beside Shinon with just a little too much force, which is how Shinon knows that despite Gatrieâs perpetually amiable face, heâs angry.
Shinon doesnât look at him, although it takes far more effort than he would like to admit to keep his gaze forward when Gatrieâs face is in his peripheral vision and Gatrieâs body is close enough that he imagines that he can almost feel its gravity. âIf youâre not here to buy me another drink, then leave me alone,â Shinon snaps with all the venom he can muster. Heâs not drunk enough to lose control yet, just the right level of tipsy for his emotions to feel huge and wild enough to seep through the cracks of any control he might care to exert. Which, once he gets to this stage of the evening, usually isnât that much.
Gatrie responds by snatching the half-empty tankard out of Shinonâs hand, finishing it in a single gulp, and slamming it back on the table uncomfortably close to Shinonâs fingers.
Shinon turns toward him then. âWell done,â he says, sardonically. âNow you truly owe me another drink.âÂ
Gatrie is smiling, like always, but itâs the pinched kind of smile that Shinon knows from experience means that Gatrie is angry, angry enough that the smile is the only thing holding it all in.
âWere you planning to come talk to me?â Gatrie asks accusingly. âOr were you just planning to have a fresh start where you pretend you donât know anybody but Rolf?âÂ
âI wasnât planning anything,â Shinon snaps. âLeast of all to rejoin the Son of Greil Mercenaries.âÂ
âThen why are you here, Shinon?â Gatrieâs smile has moved from twitching to simply fading, leaving a serious look on his face as he stares searchingly at Shinon.Â
âBecause Iâm a sucker, alright? If Rolf hadnât been there, Iâd be dead on the battlefield right now, and better off for it. But I care about the kid, goddess knows why, and I couldnât let him see me die. Especially not by Ikeâs hands,â Shinon practically spits the name.Â
âThatâs not good enough, Shinon. You didnât have to rejoin us for Ike to let you live. Heâs young, but heâs honorable,â Gatrie pauses, âlike his father. He would have let you go.â
âHa!â Shinon laughs bitterly. âAnd go on living, knowing that Iâm only alive through little Ikey-wikeyâs generosity? No, I canât live like that.â
âThen what would you call this? Because from where I stand, thatâs exactly why youâre alive.âÂ
Shinon thinks about that for a moment. âAnd at least Iâm paying for the indignity by working under him. Better to live under his shackles than go free knowing I was bested by a whelp like him. At least here I can be of some use. Maybe keep an eye on Rolf from a far enough distance that I donât get my stink on him.âÂ
âAnd what about me?â Gatrie asks.
Shinon cocks his head, confused. âWhat about you?âÂ
âWe were friends, Shinon,â Gatrie says, just a little louder and rougher than usual. âWe left the Greil Mercenaries together, in case you donât remember. I didnât leave because I didnât believe in Ike. I left because you left.âÂ
His sentence hangs in the air between them, expectant, but Shinon says nothing. Gatrie looks away for a moment, gives a rueful chuckle. âDo you know what everyone said to me when I came back with Astrid?â He looks back, his eyes boring into Shinonâs. âThey said they were proud of me for finally leaving you. For breaking free of your bad influence and walking down a better path. âYou might finally make something of yourself now that heâs not holding you back, Gatrie. You may even find love.ââ
âThey were right,â Shinon says. âYou are better off without me.âÂ
âThe point is,â Gatrie continues, voice raising, âis that theyâre telling me all of this assuming that Iâm the one who left you. And what can I say to that, Shinon? âActually, I just woke up one morning and he was gone. I was worried that he was dead in a ditch somewhere because I never thought that he would just abandon me like that until I heard rumors of a mercenary fitting your description moving towards Daein, cutting swathes through bandits and taverns alike on his way.â Would that be better? So I smiled and laughed and said nothing. But it stung. Because even though they were complimenting me, they were praising me for abandoning you, which I didnât even do.â Gatrieâs voice drops low. âWhich I never would have done. And I still donât know why you did it.â
Shinon looks away, reaches for his tankard to take a sip before realizing that itâs empty. He puts it down on the counter and runs his finger along the rim, staring off into the middle distance.
After some moments, he speaks. âDo you know what Soren said to me when he saw again?âÂ
âWhat did he say?â Gatrie says. âNothing complimentary, Iâm sure.âÂ
âHe said, âTo whatever extent that you hate yourself, it isnât enough.ââ Shinonâs finger stops its journey along the tankardâs lip, its stillness only interrupted by the faintest of trembles. He looks back at Gatrie. âAnd heâs right. It isnât enough.âÂ
âIâm not sure I agree,â Gatrie says, âbut what does that have to do with you leaving?â
âDonât you get it, Gatrie? Theyâre right. Sorenâs right and Titaniaâs right and everyone who thinks you were better off without me was right. Things got worse and worse for you after we left the Greil Mercenaries, and usually it was me and my mouth or my drink to blame. You never complained, but I saw. I saw the jobs dry up, I saw the women walk away, I saw the first lines etch themselves into your forehead. So I left.â Now that heâs begun, the words continue to pour out of Shinonâs lips almost desperately. âAnd now Iâm back, and Iâm damn sorry for it, because youâre one of the only three people Iâve ever cared about and my plan was to let you live out the rest of your life without me ruining it.â
Shinon slumps just a little, deflated. Breathing hard, he avoids meeting Gatrieâs eyes.
Gatrie bursts out laughing, the hysterical kind of laughter that signals absurdity more than humor.Â
Shinon stares at him, uncomprehending. âWhatâs so funny?âÂ
Gatrie is laughing so hard that he cannot speak, which only makes Shinonâs frustration grow. Finally, Gatrie catches his breath. âYouâre so stupid, Shinon. I canât believe you thought that you could save me by leaving me.â
âWhy?â asks Shinon, aiming for sardonic, but landing closer to desperation. âBecause youâre too good, too pure, so youâre immune to my corrupting influence?âÂ
âMaybe,â Gatrie says, face suddenly serious again, all traces of laughter gone. âOr maybe itâs because the damage has already been done.â
Shinon stares.
Gatrie goes on, almost tauntingly, âWhich would you prefer, Shinon? The idea that you canât corrupt me, canât ruin me?â Gatrie leans towards him, voice lowered. âOr the idea that you already have?âÂ
Shinon shivers at the intensity in Gatrieâs normally lighthearted voice. Suddenly unable to bear the eye contact, he turns away. âDo you want the truth?â he says quietly in the direction of his tankard.Â
âShinon, look at me,â Gatrie says firmly. Shinon turns to face Gatrie, body moving before his mind can catch up. Gatrie looks at him, unblinking. Shinon doesnât blink either, though he wants desperately not only to blink but also to run away and never to make eye contact with anyone with shockingly blue eyes ever again. He tries unsuccessfully to remind himself that theyâve been in this position â sitting together in a tavern, Shinon just a little drunker than Gatrie â dozens of times before.
âI want the truth,â Gatrie breathes.
Something inside Shinon breaks. âAlright then. You want the truth?â A wretched, spiteful laugh wrenches its way out of him. âIâm a bad person, Gatrie. However much I hate myself, it truly isnât enough. But I want the second option. Youâre one of the few people in the world I can stand and I should want only the best for you, but the best for you would mean a life without me, and all I want to know that our time together has left a mark on you like a jagged, ugly scar, one that stings when itâs going to rain and reminds you that youâve been through hell and come out alive, but worse for it. Every time you talk to a beautiful woman, I want you to hear my voice pointing out all of her flaws and then all of yours, all the reasons why you can chase love all you want but youâll never catch it. I want to ruin you, Gatrie, and you donât deserve that. So I left. I didnât want to do it, but it was the one good thing Iâve ever done â first leaving the mercenaries, and then leaving you.âÂ
Shinonâs breathing is ragged, like heâs just sprinted off a battlefield with enemies behind him and arrows flying on either side. Gatrieâs breathing hasnât audibly changed, but Shinon can see his eyes darken and his throat bob. âSo,â Shinon says. âDid I make it? Or by the time I got the courage to leave, was it too late to save you?â
Gatrie reaches up a hand, ghosts it over Shinonâs cheek. âFar too late,â he says, voice husky as his hand curls around the nape of Shinonâs neck and squeezes, somewhere between possessive and threatening.Â
Shinon can feel his pulse in his throat, his veins throbbing against the warmth of Gatrieâs hand. His mouth goes dry. âGood,â he says, lifting his own hand to grasp Gatrieâs wrist, not to pull the hand away from his neck, but to hold it there as he digs his fingernails into Gatrieâs skin, hoping that it draws blood, leaves a mark.
Shinon cannot tell if he succeeds because suddenly there is another huge hand tugging his hair tie loose and then that hand is buried in his hair, pulling hard enough to be painful but he can barely notice because now Gatrieâs lips are on his with bruising force and itâs all lips and teeth and tongue and pressure and Shinon cannot move, cannot do anything but cling to Gatrieâs arms like a drowning man.
Gatrie finally pulls back, but only an inch, still close enough that Shinon can feel his breath. He does not remove his hands from Shinonâs neck or hair, but leans in, mouth against Shinonâs ear. âNow that youâre back, you can make it up to me,â Gatrie rasps, punctuating his words with pressure from the pads of his fingers against Shinonâs scalp, âby letting me ruin you.âÂ
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Ok so last night my partner mentioned how it was weird that we never got to see any scenes of Gatrie and Boyd hanging out or talking in either game, which, yeah, it would make sense for them to be close wouldnât it? Theyâre both silly meat heads and Gatrie was probably someone that Boyd looked up to a bit in the same way that Rolf looks up to Shinon.
HOWEVER.
When Gatrie and Shinon abandoned the mercs after Greil died, Boyd was the MOST pissed about it. And he has more reason to be than anyone else because Boyd ALREADY had abandonment issues from his stepmom abandoning him and Rolf when they were kids. And also when Oscar first left to join the Crimean knights. And having both of his parents die.
I donât think he was ever able to fully forgive Gatrie for ditching the team, and so once he joined back up, Boyd probably avoided him as much as possible.