#garbage bread

so I'm making garbage bread for my non Italian bf

and he thinks: soda bread is used with soda, rum cake is made with rum, french bread is made with real french people SO WTF IS GARBAGE BREAD MADE WITH??

(Ed note: this was written to the tune of Jonathan Coulton’s “Still Alive.” Song here, instrumental version here.)

This is a mashup.

It’s a review of:

GARBAGE BREAD.

It’s hard to summarize our two reactions.

Portal in Oakland:

they rolled cheese and meat and veg —

which goes well with beer and friends

unless you’re sober or lame.

But this bread is tasty and a little bit dry

but the sauce on the side helps you dodge a big cry.

There’s red and pesto which is very much the best-o

for the bread and the beers you’ll imbibe.

We’re really quite happy:

these are carbs with meat and cheese;

dipping sauce is really quite delicious.

But the beer's the big thing

whether you like stouts or ales or Pabst.

As we drank we laughed because

we were so pleased with this place.

Now these claims of ours paint a beautiful time

with the beers and garbage bread it’s almost sublime,

so we’re thrilled with this spread

with the beers and with the bread

so we’ll come back and we’ll still imbibe.

Go ahead and visit us

Maybe you’d prefer to eat some fries

Or maybe other dishes will compel you

Maybe the sliders —

WHICH IS A JOKE; THEY’RE HUGE; DELISH —

anyway, this bread is great

with beers and sauces and fries.

Look at us still talking with reviews to do

When we write this blog it makes us eager for food.

We have pizzas to eat and we have deadlines to meet

for the people with whom we imbibe.

And believe me we will still imbibe.

We’re eating pizza and we’ll still imbibe.

We’re full of pizza and we’ll still imbibe.

While you’re reading we will still imbibe.

And when you’re eating we will still imbibe.

Boyfriend Sez

Portal’s garbage bread is a beautiful thing. It’s not like someone made a pizza burrito so much as if one took a cooked pizza and rolled it up into something resembling a Pirouline. Whether you go with the meat or veggie versions of garbage bread should be determined by your preference in the moment, as they are both excellent — but all is not perfect here.

I have two complaints, the first being that Portal’s garbage bread is very dry. This is mitigated by the cups of marinara sauce and basil pesto that come with each order, but you’ll still likely suffer a few pokes from jagged edges. My second complaint is that Portal is only open until 11 p.m. at the latest, with the kitchen closing a half-hour earlier. This may be fine for most folks, but I feel that the true beauty of garbage bread lies on the other side of an evening of very heavy drinking, and the relatively early closing time keeps this experience on the other side of a locked door.

One simply doesn’t get shitfaced at Portal — one savors the exceptional beers on offer. But I can’t help but fantasize about tearing into an order of garbage bread at 2 a.m. after going heavy on the whiskey at Baggy’s By the Lake.

3 slices

Girlfriend Sez

Wikipedia defines Musical Theatre as “a form of theatrical performance that combines songs, spoken dialogue, acting, and dance. The story and emotional content of a musical — humor, pathos, love, anger — are communicated through the words, music, movement and technical aspects of the entertainment as an integrated whole.”

Neither of us are competently musical, in any way.

However, as Winona Ryder taught us while impersonating the force of nature that is Bjork — “Everything is music. When I go home, I throw nickels in the oven and it's music. Crash, boom, bang!”

We broaden our artistic horizons and our waistlines for you, dear readers.

3 Slices

Overall Sad Time Score

Portal isn’t known for it’s pizza, and we aren’t known for our songs. We like to think we redeem ourselves in society’s eyes by succeeding at our other pursuits. As a neighborhood alehouse, Portal can't be beat.

6 Slices

Buffalo Chicken Garbage Bread

Garbage bread, calzones and stromboli are a couple of my family’s favorite dishes. Especially my mom’s! Every time she comes down to visit me, that’s her request for dinner! Ha! I love to put any thing and everything into my garbage bread. Hence the name! It should be called “Everything but the kitchen sink bread!”

Any way. My brother is here and asked me to make his favorite, buffalo chicken.

Lunch with POPEYES PAPI @ Wogies

Garbage Bread (Homemade Italian Bread baked with three different kinds of Italian meats and cheeses inside. Served with a side of Marinara or Cheddar Cheese Sauce)

Waffle Fries with Cheese