#gamros

  You stand and stare at the three long scars on your pale white face. They are slightly jagged and more than slightly deep and gnarled. They curse at you, laugh at you, and tell you nothing will be alright. You are Gamzee Makara and your mirror is mocking you. It makes big blinking signs and flashing sirens in your eyes, just like the noise in your head rings and crashes and chuckles in harsh tones. Everything is mocking you. You don’t blame those things.

You used to have a pretty decent face, nothing special, just a little above average. You used to coat it in greasepaint and decorate it with a half-glazed gaze and a wide smile. You would walk around with your head in the clouds and your thumbs in your pockets. Bright and cheery, a little lazy and a bit of a stoner, but not enough of either to be a bother. There were miracles and stardust in all the words that your mouth would form. You could comfort anyone and everyone in some way pretty much all of the time and even if some of the time that was by letting them take it out on you with harsh words or a few half-assed punches, that was just ok.

The one you most liked comforting was Tavros.

Your syrupy speech could penetrate even the deepest depths of his sorrows and pull him out to safety, to happiness. The two of you would chill and cuddle and occasionally have a little bit of a make-out session. Not like real boyfriends or anything, but it was pretty nice, and both of you enjoyed the hell out of it. Brothers and main motherfuckers, the two of you were. Always keeping each other up and running, really. As much as you comforted him he helped you right on back, keeping the addiction in line with worry he didn’t have to feign, coming over for a hangout session at the very best times, as if he knew when he was needed. You stopped getting that when he came around.

Caliborn. You never have learned his real name, but it doesn’t actually matter to you what it is. What matters is that he absolutely ruined you. You had everything you needed and you were perfectly content. Then he strolled in, all muscles and tattoos and ripped leather and nowhere to go but hell. He came into your life in a flurried rush. Terezi and Vriska wanted into some club downtown, and who were you to not try to help some sisters out with the bouncer? So you weaved some magic with your words and accidentally made a curse. He let them in in exchange for a ‘date’ with you.

The date was more like you tagging along with some weird ass motorcycle gang as they fucked some shit up. You didn’t mind. None of it seemed to really be hurting anybody and it was nice that someone wanted to be with you for that kind of thing, even if it was maybe only gonna be on one kind of sub-par occasion. It didn’t turn out to be one though, it turned out to be a lot, and he spoon fed you little things that seemed like big problems, things you thought you could fix with a comforting touch or sugary words or taking just a few dozen more insults. You closed yourself off from your friends just a tiny bit at a time, it was such a gradual change you didn’t even notice. Not even when you stopped talking to Tavros.

Then you had moved in with him and his words turned to fists. The harsh words still came but for the most part it was incoherent screaming and punches and gnashing of teeth. You didn’t mind. You were just so close to fixing him, you could feel it in your gut. You just motherfucking knew it. You could do it. You could fix him. You could take all the cuts and bruises he left on you. You could take the marks those damned sharpened down teeth of his left. You could take it when he told you how useless you were and how little you mattered because you were oh so fucking close to getting through to him and making him feel better.

You never did that though. Instead you just kept taking the insults and the punches and the way they evolved into full out beatings and how he talked to you like a dog and how you stayed in that apartment and how you never, ever talked to anyone else for months. You didn’t know you hated it. All you knew is that you wanted him to feel good and that you’d stopped feeling like your happiness mattered in the least a long, long time ago. You only knew that it was bad once you finally stepped out into the fresh air for the first time in awhile and people stared at you.

You used to get stared at all the time, what with your painted face and big tangled mass of hair and loose, colorful pajama pants, but this was different. That was amusement and the occasional slight contempt. This was pity and occasional horror. Caliborn had cut you up pretty good, smashed a bottle, brought it to your face. You didn’t mind at the time, but when kids passed you and held tighter to their mothers instead of giving off the slight giggles you were used to it crushed you entirely. You rushed away. You fell asleep in the park.

He found you and you rode on the back of his motorcycle back home. Back to that apartment rather, it wasn’t really home. It never was and never would be. You took a chewing out and fell asleep and when you woke up he wasn’t there. You plugged up your phone and checked the messages. There weren’t any. You weren’t surprised. You looked through the contacts. Tavros, you wanted to talk to Tavros. He might have been a little miffed at you for ignoring him so long. You decided to try to talk to Karkat instead, he’s always testy so it wouldn’t hurt if he was angry. You pressed the little green call button and listened to the ring.

“Hello?” “Hey there my main motherfucker, how’s a brother up to doing.”

“You little shit! Don’t fucking talk casual to me, asshole! I haven’t so much as seen your god damned wavy texts in months you pus-spewing ass fountain!”

“Man, I just all up and forgot to be talking-like.”

“Well isn’t that just fucking dandy!? Everyone has been worrying their combined asses off over your useless gangly rear!”

“They didn’t have to all and do that, I’ve been all and all the right up in here chilling with Caliborn.”

“That’s what everyone is worried about you cock muncher! That gaudy asswipe is a fucking psycho! Terezi hasn’t eaten in god knows how fucking long because she feels fucking responsible for getting you involved with that fucktard! Eridan and Feferi keep having fucking conniption fits of bawling and then hunting for your dumb ass! No one has even seen you wandering around like you do!!”

“Sorry bro.”

“And fucking Tavros couldn’t even fucking handle it at all! Augh you fucking prick!”

“Tavros?”

“Yes Tavros, you know the emotionally unstable one only you could calm the hell down?! He fucking needed you you little festering puke-lord!”

“What motherfucking happened?”

“What’s it matter to you, you didn’t-?”

“What motherfucking happened, Karkat?”

“We fucking tried to get a hold of you but every god damn time anyone answered it was that asshole and he would laugh and not tell us anything and hang up!”

“Karkat.”

“He’s gone, ok?! You weren’t there to calm his ass down and he fucking jumped.”

“...”

“Gamzee?”