Tonight I am feeling all of the feelings.

Last Wednesday I got a call that changed my life. God saw fit for me to be recommended to train to be a priest. A calling, a dream, a prayer I have had since I was 16.

It's really happening.

I feel elated, full of joy and gratitude and oh my isn't God good. But I also feel anxious and emotional and I am grieving the things I am leaving behind. Even though it's the right thing, even though I am excited, even though I know this is where God wants me to go. None of the good stuff means you can't cry at the sad parts.

In two days I will leave the job I have had for three years. A job that introduced me to some of my favourite people in the world. A job that God has used to teach me so many things. A job that has brought me so much joy and stress and grey hairs and love and amusement and all the things in-between.

Change is not easy. No one promised it would be. Even when it's needed and good and opening your life up to all the things it was always meant to be.

And tonight, after a kinda weird evening, I obviously felt like I needed to share some of this churning and yearning with my quiet little corner of the internet. In a day or two I'll have a lot more articulate things to say.

But tonight I will allow myself to feel all of the things. Because God made me an emotional being, because I was called not as the most perfect version of myself, but as me in all my human and flawed glory, to bring out the God colours in the world. And sometimes those colours are mixed with tears. Tears that taste like the saltiness of everything I am leaving behind, and the sweetness of all that lies ahead.

God Bless

Kanina sa simbahan nakita ko siya. Yung long time crush ko, ang dahilan kung bakit ako nagsisimba. Syempre bukod sa magpasalamat sa isang linggo nagdaan na hindi kami pinabayaan ng Diyos. Naalala ko pa kung paano ako malungkot dati pag di siya yung nag served. Usherette kasi siya. Umaga ang schedule ko pag nag-sisimba katamad na kasing magsimba paghapon eh. 

Naalala ko din ko paano ko kiligin pag nakikita ko siya. Laging masaya ang buong linggo ko pag nakita ko na siya. Halos lahat ng katangian ng lalaking pinapangarap ko nasa kanya na. Nakakatawa pa nga isipin na sinasama ko siya sa mga dasal ko. Na sana siya na lang ang lalakeng para sa akin.

Dumaan ang mga taon, siya pa din ang crush ko. Di ko mapigilan na kiligin pag nagkakatitigan ang aming mga mata. Halos mahimatay ako pag ngumiti na siya. 

Pero isang linggo pagkatapos ng misa, may sinabi ang pari namin. Halos magunaw ang mundo ko sa narinig ko."Masaya po ako na ibalita sa inyo na madadagdagan na ang pari na taga rito. Si Ryan mag papari siya".

Pinatayo yung Ryan. What??? Si Ryan yun? Mag papari siya?

Gusto kong isarado ang mga tenga ko para di na marinig pa pero hindi pwede eh, so ayun narinig ko pa din. Tinanggap ko na lang. Kahit sobrang sakit na ang lalaking pinapangarap ko ay mag papari na. Ayun sinama ko nalang siya sa mga dasal ko. Sana maging masaya siya sa pagiging pari niya. Pero kung di man,SANA AKIN NA LANG SIYA. Charot.