#funsover

I just deactivated my Facebook and if it weren't for business reasons, I would do the same to my Instagram. I try and try but I just don't have any self control. Before Facebook, YouTube and Instagram, I was much happier. 

Ever since I was young, I kind of always got what I wanted. I wasn't spoiled by my parents or anything. I just worked very hard and always succeeded. I was popular in school growing up, got any guy I wanted, won every dance competition, landed every audition and interview I went to. I guess you could you say I'm a competitive person. The only people I had to show off and brag to was in school, the community and the small amount of people using MySpace at that time. Everyday when I walked the streets or every party I attended, someone would know me. Then Facebook happened, a platform that practically everybody uses. I finally got to see how many people "knew" me. It was nice that every time I met someone new and added on Facebook, we always had mutual friends. Some people worry when they see mutual friends but I don't really have a bad reputation and if there is shit about me going around, it probably started because I didn't want to date someone anymore. I was soul searching and broke a few hearts on that journey. 

I gained a substantial amount of weight around the age of 20; 40-50 lbs. I started to not land auditions anymore. I would get rejected and dumped quite often. Even girls didn't want to invite me out anymore because I wouldn't fit in with their look. I did so many extreme things to try to be accepted and wanted again. I learned how to drive stick, ride a motorcycle, play guitar, bartend, photography, film, gaming, computers, hairstyling, makeup and even got piercings, tattoos, expensive materials and much more. I was extremely insecure but no regrets since I hold a lot of skills and expertise under my belt now.

How did I come out of my insecurities? I fell in love with someone. I still hate him a lot but I came out so much stronger from it. When I was dumped and rejected by men, they never told me why until this certain one. This guy was seeing another girl and I even knew about it but he made me believe he'd leave her for me. In the end, I wasn't the winner. I finally asked him and he said it's because I'm insecure, I get taken advantage of and I don't give him a challenge at all. In that entire relationship I thought I had the upper hand because I've always been super nice, generous, nurturing and she was a total bitch. I come to realize now, she was just standing up for herself and not letting someone walk all over her.

I learned a lot from that relationship and like most big break ups, you go through a change. I started losing weight, built up confidence again, learned how to say "no" and started mastering all of my arts to find myself on what I really wanted to do. Through a lot of horrible dating and filtering out friends, I have found myself to be a pretty awesome chick. As soon as my personality portrayed that, the good men started rolling in. It's really true that confidence is a turn on.

These past few weeks I've somehow thrown myself into the insecure valley. I'm constantly on my phone checking my news feed. I'm turning 25 soon and realized that people are catching up or have passed me in success. I've always prided myself to be on top of my game compared to everyone else. I succeeded and got my career before everyone (my age). I've been awarded and recognized for things others would probably never get the chance to. Times are changing and people along with it. Many people have their Master's Degree or about to finish medical/law school. Many people have started their own business and are just big ballers traveling the world. Some are happily married to their hot husband and have beautiful children. Doesn't help when I've became friends with a lot of people in the entertainment industry recently and it makes me extremely jealous. They are putting content out there, they have followers, people share their stuff, they are popular! I'm sitting here admiring their lives and feeling like mine sucks. 

I've given myself a reality check so many times already. My life is pretty damn good and am very fortunate to be where I am today. I have a wonderful family, great career, small trusted group of friends and a pretty good looking boyfriend who loves me for my curves. It's crazy how much impact my Facebook causes on my emotions. I tell myself all the time that I'm just being silly but it has gotten to the point where I'm always striving to do more. There's nothing wrong with wanting to be better but it is wrong when it's causing you stress and affecting your health.