#fullysurrendered

My God.

Here’s a preamble to this “article” which I never thought would be written. I was just having a talk with God and thinking aloud, and this scripture came to mind. Immediately in my humanness I went to research articles on what this scripture meant in order to confirm my thought-process; but I stopped. I paused to ask God, the One who knows all things. In my quest of asking God, I believe He said, “why don’t you write an article?” I preverbally raised my eyebrows. “Me?” “Write an article to answer the question which I was just about to search?” God, if You say so 🤷🏽‍♀️.

So here I am.

Oftentimes in life, the phrase “guarded”, when it comes to your heart, is often given a negative connotation. Commonly, it’s known as when someone is mistrusting which stems from past negative experiences.

I was sent to share a different perspective.

What happens when God guards your heart? The Giver of life? The Alpha and Omega? The One who holds no sin and all knowledge? I believe, on this day, I realised that God has guarded my heart and it’s a beautifully selfless thing. It is a perfect gift given by the perfect One. Not any that I could boast about.

To be guarded by God means to be secured by Him. It means to be established so firmly on the Rock that when the seas of life roll, you remain anchored on the One who is unmovable.

“Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus, just to take Him at His word. Just to rest upon His promise, just to know thus saith the Lord. Jesus Jesus, how I trust Him, how I’ve proved Him o’er and o’er. Jesus Jesus, precious Jesus, oh for grace to trust Him more.” - 'Tis so sweet to trust in Jesus | Author: Louisa M. R. Stead (1882)

I didn’t just wake up one day, guarded. It was a process of knowing and trusting God. This process started from October 30th 1999, the day I was born, but for the sake of this article we’ll start from 2018.

In 2018, I fell in love for the first time, truly in love. It was all butterflies and roses until that love became my idol, one with power to affect my soul so much that I prayed that we would never be separated. In fact, I even prayed that I would die before this person or we would die at the same time so that I wouldn’t have to live without them.

🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩

Ultimately, that did not sit well with God and soon after, I was presented with our first separation. God called me to fast... from him. Then came the second fast. Then came the separation and another separation. From the second fast, I thought I was good and had dethroned this person from God’s rightful place. But God knows the inner-workings of a man’s heart - after all He created it. So of course, He knew there was still some heart surgery left. 

But this experience did more wonders than beyond my wildest imagination. 

God stripped me of everyone that I held so dear to show me that He is the All-and-Ever-Sustaining God. Don’t get me wrong, human community is important and we know that God Himself said, “it is not good for man to be alone.” But in this season of intentional isolation, God has molded and shaped me into His masterpiece, outfitted for the work that He is calling me to.

In my period of isolation, I cried out to God, telling Him that felt so alone. Questioning Him even of that very scripture. “God You said it is “not” good so why am I here?!” That night, He nurtured me so perfectly and today, I see the fruits of His training. 

Two weeks ago my aunt died and God was with me then. He prepared me just a few hours before I received the news. As I mourn with the rest of my family, I do not mourn as those who have no hope. For I know that my aunt’s salvation was secured and I will see her again.

Three months ago I caught covid for the first time while I was in a hotel room, in a foreign country, alone. But God was with me. He stayed with me through every “not-fun” moment and nurtured me back to good health.

God uses all things for good and God’s ways are intentional. Every experience that I have encountered, more specifically over the past 5 years, has enabled me to be a vessel for others. I can now produce fruit in every season because I have tasted the Living Water and seen the power of our Maker.

it isn't even  2 0 1 5  yet and I am learning the challenges that come from being fully surrendered to God. my dream for the start of next year was to be fully supported by friends and those who believed in my vision so that i was capable of spending my time mentoring, volunteering, pouring into people. but it is coming to my attention (on december 24th) that not one person has received a letter asking for support from me, nor has many people heard of my heart to be fully supported so i can operate as a full time missionary. 

and more than just that, the jobs i am currently working, which i wanted to give up, are wanting to put me in better positions. i turned to God and asked what was going on. should i stay working at these two jobs and not earn support, should i quit them in faith that people will latch on to my vision and help me out? i had no idea. i still kinda don't have an idea. but God has been speaking some very exciting things to me. 

the first of which is that being fully surrendered means to stop willing your way to make things happen. i find true peace in exodus 14:14 "the lord will fight for you, you need only to be still." so i'm not going to try to quit my jobs or grip onto them like they are my life line. Jesus is. he will reveal what i need to do. in his timing. oh boy, that is the key. his timing. 

the other thing i'm beginning to understand is that Jesus doesn't want us praising our situation, he wants us praising him. i think i need to get to a place of being okay working three jobs if that is what God wants for me. if his will is for me to be fully supported, i praise him and not my ability to have more flexibility. if God wants me working forty hours a week between volunteering and picking up extra shifts at work, i praise him because i'm in his will. 

why are you being consumed by a pillow? :p

1.Right or left handed? Right handed!

4. Healthy or unhealthy food? Ummm... both? haha

6. How tall are you? I'm 6'5" :P

8. What is your favorite animal? I love penguins and monkeys haha

14. Biggest fear? Time keeps on tickin' tickin' tickin', into the future...

15. Biggest wish? To have a family of my own someday...

22. Will you marry me? I don't even know you yet...