DANI FINK

dear god, 

a deer hit my car and now it looks even worse than it did before. i really want a new car and pray that you would help me find the perfect vehicle. it is also my birthday month. i will be 24 in twenty six days. i believe 24 will be the year i get engaged and married. i pray that during this month, you give me vision of what i will accomplish, what will be different about this year, who i will be close to. i have a lot of insecurity about my acne. i pray you would help clear up my skin by the time i leave for england. i want skin like a newborn baby. i want skin that is divot free and even toned. i pray you would reverse any damage done over the years. redeem my acne lord. i also pray for my quick temper and my ability to quickly get irritated. i want to be patient, full of wisdom and mercy. help develop my patience for people. help me love mak better. i pray that i remember the gift he is and always treat him with kindness and respect. i so admire the way paige tells her story and how special maddie makes everything and how haylee knows herself so well and how kez can do so much. i feel like i lack in so many ways. please show me the way you made me and allow me to see the areas in which i can grow as a person. i know i am made different than my friends, but i also know there are ways i am not walking out all that i can be. i pray that you will put a mentor in my life. and a mentor in mak’s life. i want a couple that we can look up to and that can pour into us. people who see us without bias or judgement. please send a couple our way that will understand us and push us to be better. i pray that august will be a month of patience and closer intimacy with you. it will be the best year of my life if it is the best year of my life spiritually. i pray that august would be a time that i yearn so deeply for Jesus and hear Holy Spirits’ voice clearly. i don’t know what i am doing with my life, but i trust that if i own each of my moments, the future will work itself out. help me to own every moment i have. that i don’t waste the person in front of me or the lesson to be learned in my circumstance. help me to be a carl lentz, full of passion for people and boldness for God. i want to be more bold for you God. help me be disciplined to develop intimacy. 

dear dani, 

the month of july was full of hard work and lots of fun times with mak and my friends:

- watched the disaster artist with mak outside while it rained

- went to chatfield lake to paddle board with the mak

- watched fireworks with the great eight

- walked the art crawl with mak

- had lunch with marisol at city o city

- rode the teacups with mak at elitches

- had a triple date dinner at avanti with maddie, tommy, mustaffa, and breanna

- got my hair highlighted with haylee

- celebrated two months of dating mak

- had an outdoor dinner and wine with cailyn 

- bowled with shar and sicily

- had breakfast with caleb and ej

- ate dinner with mak at city o city

- celebrated raquel’s birthday at snooze

- went swing dancing with mak, maddie, and tommy

- had a dream date day with make at metroplis

- sponsored a youth lock in 

- had a double date with jon and adele at illegal petes

- rolled homemade sushi with harumi, timo, and mak

- ate cafe rio and watched mamma mia two with friends

- saw mak teach his first lesson for the youth group 

- worshiped outdoors at YA with timo 

- did food ministry on 16th street

- had a garage sale and donated all my unwanted items

- went wedding dress shopping for haylee

-read “god in my everything”

-helped tommy ring shop

-received a bonsai tree and a feeling plant

-received the most beautiful bouquet of peonies

-started my new nanny job

-was fully funded for my mission trip

-went to mexico on missions with mak, haylee, and tyler

-took esme on an ice cream date

-went to paige’s intimate shower

-painted and drank wine at a canvas and cocktails date with mak

-celebrated tommy’s birthday with an island theme

-celebrated atticus’ second birthday

-ate at osaka and had ramen and cold sake with mak

dear God,

i have lots of debt/a loan i need to take care of. please help me be financially disciplined to take care of it by the end of august. also, help mak and i walk in integrity as we prepare to be leaders of the youth group. give us vision for what you want to do with that group and please be a part of it. we do not want to do it in our own strength. we welcome you into our youth ministry. we need you. please walk with me in my acne journey. i am so self conscious and frustrated by my skin. i have scaring, discoloration, cystic acne forming, and don’t feel like i’ll ever have the clear, glowing, makeup free face i’ve wanted for the last ten years. give me the determination to not pop my zits and to avoid sugar. please heal my skin. give me skin that is brand new. reform the cells of my skin and let it be a miracle of you goodness. i want to use my acne miracle as a testimony of you. i will no longer be using social media for the remainder of the time i am doing my vegan challenge. please use these weeks to retrain my brain on beauty, renew my skin, and let me have a new found sense of purpose. also help me see each moment with true presence. i don’t want to be looking at a screen. so often i don’t do my job, or am not in the moment, because I’m checking my calendar, on pinterest, on social media, checking my email. and when i am in the moment, i’m thinking about all the things i need to do in the future. all my anxious thoughts start to overwhelm me. help me gain a new sense of faith in how you’ll work everything out. i don’t want to depend on my own strength and leave you out of the equation. show me how to leave room for what only you can do. speak to me about what you’re doing and where you want to be more active in my life!

dear dani,

dear God,

thank you for my relationship with mak. i love him very much. he is such a special gift and answer to my prayers. i have treasured the moments we have spent together and pray that you continue to give us opportunities to grow closer to you and each other. i pray that as i transition into full time work, you give me patience and joy and discipline in each moment. i want to start exercising regularly, eating healthy, paying off debt, minimizing my physical possessions, and less time in front of my phone screen. please show me in each moment how i can make choices that align with what i want to be. i pray you give me visions and clarity on who you want me to be and what you have purposed me to do on this earth. please put people and opportunities in my path that can elevate me to a new level of holiness and Your glory. i want to live a life that impacts others deeply and i want authority over issues i have struggled with so i can encourage others. please Lord help me break these cycles of struggle i have been going through for too long. i don’t want to live in shame, frustration, or defeat. i want to walk in victory and confidence. please put your heavy presence on me when i have the opportunity to make the right choice.

dear dani,

went on a nighttime walk around wash park several times

rode on a gondola in venice

saw a play called human error

watched the disaster artist and the vanishing of sidney hall

started officially dating mak

visited the the uffizi museum

toured the forum and the coliseum

my two best friends got engaged

i swam in the mediterranean sea

went thrifting with mak, kali, and ashley

heard atticus say i love you for the first time

had a bonfire with house church fam with tea and nail painting and prayers for ty

i took a boat ride around the towns of cinque terre

sipped wine while a jazz band played in rome

ate under twinkly lights with mak

had girls night at cafe rio and then watched the guys play basketball

accepted my nanny job for roslyn

had a bleaching party with mak and ej

thrifted a fun apron dress

watched my brother graduate from college

had a farewell lunch with the college and career group at chipotle

watched molly’s game with my parents and mak

i did not take a lot of pictures of this month and didn’t journal that much, so i’m sure i’m missing events that i did that were supper fun. but i was able to remember enough to make a list. overall, the biggest theme of april was my heart opening up to someone special.

started staffing the discipleship training course through YWAM

accepted a new nanny job that will start this summer

bought my first real pair of sneakers (special force air force one)

saw chris d’elia live with my brother

saw a college play in fort collins with my brother

went on a walk around downtown with kali while drinking boba

went to a 80’s themed bowling party to celebrate maddie’s birthday

had a girls night with raquel and maddie at two bars on broadway

celebrated my brother’s birthday with a family lunch

had a chill sunday afternoon with timo and mak where we got sodas from 7-11 and walked around wash park and jumped on the trampoline

celebrated justine’s birthday at her house

hosted a team of circuit riders at my house

celebrated emma’s birthday with a cupcake party

saw i feel pretty with my momma

started my gym membership with 24 hour fitness

started and finished the book present over perfect

had a donut date with maddie

went to see the new art at the contemporary art museum with kali

went on a walk with connor around the capital building

went on so many coffee dates with friends

went to two carry the love events at ccu

had pho with haylee and her friends

went to the outcry tour at the first bank center

started sponsoring a child from mali

tried making my own horchata

minimized my wardrobe similar to the 333 project

went swing dancing and got recorded with an older gentleman i swing with

rearranged my room’s art and plants and chairs

started wearing gold jewelry

we are three days deep into may and i am blown away by all that God did during the month of april. it is still too soon to speak about, but i think God may have opened my eyes and blossomed my heart to something amazing.

dear God,

i pray that you lead me with peace. let your peace be the assurance that i am going the right way. i pray you will convict me of things that need to leave my life in order to hear holy spirit’s guidance even more. i pray you would teach me how to steward my time and energy well. help me not to stress over things that are not important. protect my mind from over thinking and remind me that you are a good father who only leads his children to better places. i pray that you would guard my heart but also teach me how to let people in. continue to heal the broken parts of my heart that keep me from loving people well and trusting you. please give me confirmation that the way i’m being led now is the way i should continue to go. i think i really like someone and i pray that you protect what we have. he reminds me so much of myself sometimes and being with him is so natural. he feels like home. like his presence makes me calm and i feel like i have a partner in whatever task is in front of me. help keep me out of my head and let me be led by your peace. if this is a relationship that you want to develop, i pray that we would be able to go on a date this month. i didn’t see these feelings happening, so i pray that if they are from you and you are leading me down a path of getting to know him in a more romantic way, please help that transition be natural. i thank you that my heart is being opened up to someone who is so special. help him grow and continue to seek you and all that you have for him. give him visions and words and confirmation of the plans you have for him. help him not feel so lost or without purpose. speak direction into his life and conviction of how to walk more closly with you. i pray that you help teach me how to be a better daughter to you and a better friend to those around me. i pray that you teach me to share my heart and remind me i am safe with you. i am excited to move forward. i really like him and enjoy him so much. but being vulnerable is hard and starting to be entrusted with someone’s heart is intense. give me the grace and strength to do this well if it is something you want me to do. i’ve done it wrong so many times before and don’t know what i’m doing. be my teacher and help mate as i navigate new territory.

dear dani,

one week ago i started a social media and tv fast that i hoped to give me clarity and break through on three issues: my inability to be open and vulnerable, my future partner, and my next job. 

in that time frame, Jesus showed up. i was surprised at how often i desired to watch tv to numb my brain, seclude myself, or just to pass the time. i also was annoyed at how often my hands jumped to try to check instagram when there was more than a second of boredom. if i pulled up to a red light, my hands would go to get my phone, only to be disappointed. i also found that there was not much else to do with my phone if i didn’t have instagram. the first few days i replaced my need to be checking something by opening my pinterest and tumblr apps; but those have a lesser appeal, so i wouldn’t be on them for very long. i realized, if i wasn’t constantly checking up on someone else’s reality, i was forced to be more present in mine. i am relearning the beauty of being bored and observing what is around me. it is a form of minimalism i really appreciate. singularity of thought. less comparison. reflection. whenever i started to think about taking a picture that i would want to post on instagram, i instead thought about why that picture would be special to take. was it of a person i care for? a moment that holds a special place in my heart? a visually appealing location? and often the power i would give away for someone to deem “likeable” was given back to me. another lesson i learned was that there was less pressure through the day to find something worth sharing on a platform. i didn’t even realize how much pressure i was putting on myself to find the perfect caption to go with a perfectly edited photo of something i arranged for others to enjoy. it’s actually kind of lame and sad when you think about it. i had lost the creative aspect of what i think instagram was made for and had turned it into a pagent for others. 

my schedule and time were being controlled by where a good picture would be taken and posted. now i am free to spend my day however; unaware of when and how a good photo will come about. for example, the other night i went bowling with my friends. i looked cute, my friends looked cute, and we were doing something fun. normally, i would have walked in thinking about how we could make this into a instagram fire photo. i would have asked my friend to take a picture of me while i bowled. then i would have looked at it, figured out what i didn’t like and tried again. posing with the ball, pretending to bowl with it, holding it different ways. then i would have taken some photos with my friends, trying to be candid but still look good. posing with each person, then a group of us. each needing a different vibe. i’d have even tried different locations, like by the shoe locker or the brightly colored token games. then i would have missed watching people bowl while i picked out which photo made me look the best and showed others i was having a good time. then i would have edited it and tried to figure out a light hearted caption that was clever. this all had to be done somewhat quickly so i could post it before it was too late and not many people would see it. how crazy is that?! instead...i showed up to bowl and my phone stayed in my purse the entire time. no one but the people bowling with me knew i was bowling. and somehow that was just as satisfying as letting all of instagram know. 

i think there will come a day when i take one or two photos during an event, see how happy i look in it, and want to remember it in an artistic way. and posting it to instagram won’t hold as much power and stress as it does now. there is just something in me that is screaming against the way our generation is relating to the internet. i feel like we are missing life trying to share it with others. what once connected us has isolated me. and so i have decided, for many reasons, to continue my social media fast for the month of april. and i also think i will try to limit watching tv to only when i can do it with another person. i do not want it to be a thing i do to escape from myself or others. i want to use tv to connect with another person in a relaxing way. 

sooooo...did i get break through during my fast? did i gain clarity? yes!

the Lord revealed some details about my partner that i am going to keep private for now. but it is something i have journaled and was even confirmed by another person. i also have applied for multiple jobs and will continue to submit resumes tomorrow. i have a peace and sense of direction about my next job that i did not have before my fast started. i was able to write out my purpose statement that has lit a path for my future career choices. the statement reads, “God has created me with a purpose to develop wisdom and personal growth in children and teens by providing an enviornment of hospitality and encouragement.” finally, i was able to vocalize some of my fears and dreams with my girlfriends and they have been amazing at walking with me on my journey. i just have to remember to be aware of what i need and ask God to fill in the gaps my friends/family miss. 

dear God,

march was quite a month! i spent the enitre month relating with people. shar + sicily, kezia, haylee + maddie. it has been a month of learning how to have internal peace and relationship with You while doing life with others. in the past i categorized the two. i had my relationship with You when i was alone. and i often left You behind when i was with my people. but march gave me the gift of relearning the art of integration. how blending these two categories together is true freedom. to know i can miss people and still be alone. to know i can utilize Your strength when the emotions of others are weighing on me. i’m learning more and more about how everything in my life is affected by how well i’m taking care of me. how the solution is not outside of myself; it is within me. it is me tapping into You. 

this month, i realized that it didn’t matter where i went, i always took myself with me. i know this is not a new revelation, but it hit me a different way than it has before. i could be visiting the queen of england, but if i’m mad at my friend back in colorado, that affects my ability to enjoy shaking the queen’s hand. i could be standing in line at my local king soopers and the sun hits the building in such a way that the entire place glows and becomes the most magical moment because i’m at peace. i so often want to go off and explore and adventure and do new things, and i think some of that desire comes from wanting to avoid unresolved feelings. i had this hope that the more new i experienced the more i’d forget about the pain, frustration, or disappointment. but it’s not true. in fact, many times this month, as i was experiencing something new, an old thought/emotion would come up. 

as these feelings have surfaced, i’ve imagined You as a house inspector and You’ve come in with your tools to make sure my house is in tip top shape before it is put on the market. but as You walk around my house, You frequently stop at places i had hoped you wouldn’t notice: my inability to express my needs to my friends is the crooked shelving that has to be taken down and releveled. my defense mechanism of going quiet when there’s conflict is the missing tiles on the roof. my desire to fear about a potential problem instead of pray to You about it is the leaky plumbing. 

i see You going around assessing my home and making notes. i am not ashamed and You are not condemning, but the list looks long and in my head i’m thinking, “don’t be so picky. surely it’s not that big of a deal if the shelving is crooked. can’t the person who buys the house fix the leaky plumbing? is it really that important to fix ALL of these things?” but i know that Your standards are high, not only because You are comparing them to the house You dwell in, but because You intend to sell this house for a high value. You have been the ultimate fixer upper. You bought me in a broken state. over the years, and especially this last one, You have been doing demo projects on me. ripping out my foundation, expanding the deminsions, rewiring, new appliances. and now the house could go on the market. buuuut, if i take up the challenge to fix the minor things You’ve pointed out, the house will sell for even more. (not to say that i am a piece of property to buy or sell, but y’all get the metaphor.) the person who metaphorically buys my house is the person who chooses to be with me. and the higher the listed price, the lower the number of prospects who can afford it. i sense You are wanting to make it very clear who can afford to be with me. 

Lord i pray that in this time of fixing the minor issues in my house, You will reveal more of my purpose. like a well written ad, i pray You will highlight the areas of my house that will attract the people who are supposed to visit and live in it. i pray You will put specific people in my life that can help accomplish the renovations You desire. i pray that i find joy in taking down every stronghold and limitation i’ve knowingly and unknowingly held onto. i pray that You will give me vision to see the final product of what my home will look like. the original design of how You created me. the facets of You that i carry and need to show to others. i pray that You give me a greater level of faith to believe that what was once a sad, little shack for one will one day be a mansion where many dwell. 

dear dani, 

go big or go home. in the kingdom we believe in big faith, big prayers, and big miracles. and that is what april will be for you. a month of big faith, big prayers, and big miracles. and they lead into each other. big faith means you can pray big prayers and big prayers sow the seeds to big miracles. this month you will see a big miracle. but it starts with waking up each day demanding more of your faith. you may have no physical evidence of your mansion, but you need to have faith the size of your mansion. this month i want you to give up social media and you will see a miracle done. give up obsessing over other people’s realities and watch me rearrange yours. april is a month i am highlighting for you. april means to open or to blossom. i am opening up heaven to you this month. i am unlocking blessings that have been reserved for such a time as this. “see i am doing a new thing. now it springs up; do you not perceive it? i am making a way in the wilderness. and streams in the wasteland.” (isaiah 43:19) when your faith springs up, you will perceive the thing i am doing. like your flight home from maui, when you took off on a rainy morning. you launched under the weight of heavy clouds, but i am taking you to a new level where you will break free from the clouds and find yourself soaring through blue skies while the sunrise brakes out across your horizon. april is your new dawn. 

i love you without fault. i see you as my queen strolling through our palace’s hallways. i see you fit in royal robes and crowned with splendor. you walk with grace and strength. you carry authority. you walk towards me and i smile. i am well pleased. you are my queen. fit to rule the kingdom i have given you. i have given you a thrown to sit on so that when people come to you, you can rule over them the way i rule over you. i trust you to rule in place of me to those i send to you. and when the situation is too hard for you alone, just whisper my name and i will come rule next to you. i do not wish to keep you locked up in some room until i am in need of you. i will never be in need of you. i only desire you. i desire you speak to my people instead of me sometimes. i desire you to make the final call after i’ve given you the options. i do not need you but i desire you. i desire your presence in my kingdom. i would not want my kingdom if you were not in it. i desire to take walks with you and tend to my people with you. i love you and i always want to be with you. anything that is mine is yours and anything you ask from me shall be given to you. ask boldly for you know the resources i have and how deeply i love you. i give my all to you and ask for the same in return. total devotion. all allegiance to my kingdom. i have won the victory. no other kingdom will ever overtake us. no kingdom can compare to what i have created. the kingdom of the enemy is small and borrows from me. anything they do has to be granted permission from me. they are weak. they are for but a moment and one day will be completely overcome. do not fear their small attacks at our fortress walls. or if they come disguised into our halls. i will defend you and you will learn how to better defend yourself if i ever step away for a moment. you are a queen. you are not my servant. you are not an orphane. you are mine. i am yours. share in my kingdom. add to my kingdom the gifts i have given you. 

in order to gain new territory, you must not be afraid to step outside the kingdom walls. i am asking in this month for you to trade your royal robes for battle armor. i have been training you in the safety of my kingdom. you have had practice with my teachers. it has felt difficult, but the real battle begins now. i am releasing you into battle. to take action against the enemy. to deal lethal blows to his army. you are a warrior. you wear the breast plate of being in right standing with me. you wear the helmet of secured salvation. you are held tight by the belt of my truth. you hold up your sheild of faith against the darts of the enemy. you walk boldly in your shoes of readiness. and you kill with the sword of my spirit. the enemy has no chance against you. you are fully trained and equipped. he stands in rags and holds no weapon. all he can do is tell you lies. do not believe him. and do not let the comfort of a victory keep you from gaining more ground. do not say, “a mile of new ground is good. we can stop there.” when there are still a million miles to take hold of. do not settle with the current ground you have. every day take another foot. another ten. and when you tire, come back and rest in our palace. sit in my presence and let me tell you all the things i love about you and am doing for you. every foot of ground you take from the enemy i plant something beautiful. and sometimes i will fight your battle and plant the seed. but it is important you feel the pride of conquering too. 

i spent twelve glorious days (february 27 - march 10) in hawaii to visit my aunt shar and cousin sicily. it was a peaceful, slow, reflective vacation. one i thoroughly enjoyed. i went with no game plan, besides the desire to spend time thinking and with my family. 

i went on walks on the sand everyday. i cooked meals as the sun set through the floor to cieling window in the kitchen. i woke up to no alarm. i journaled to the sound of the ocean waves hitting the rocks. i drank cold brew coffee and iced tea by mason jar throughout the day. i rode my bike through neighborhoods with dreamy houses i envisioned myself in. i sat under the stars and watched a movie in my long sleeve thermal and jean shorts. i visited several beaches to people watch. 

the rhthym of the island reminded me of how i want to live my life. i’ll admit that i still love the city and the fast pace of urban living, but the ability to slow down and regroup was just what i needed as i look ahead to the rest of this year. i saw families playing with their kids in the sand and water. i saw couples walking home with their hands full of groceries. i saw friends with the windows down listening to music as they drove aimlessly. i saw groups of people gathered together to just sit and do life together. no phones. no tv. no fancy outfits. just people connecting. it’s what i most crave. community that grows together. dreams together. that it isn’t about working sixty hours a week to pay for things you don’t need. it’s about watching sunsets and making dinner together and leaving space to just be. the freedom to breathe thus far this year has been freeing. i have made enough money to get by, but the time it has given me has been priceless. 

my favorite memories from my trip were (in no particular order):

- roller blading in my sports bra, next to the ocean, as the sun set, listening to vibey music, with shar and sic

- watching the lorax at sic’s school under the stars

- sitting on the concrete ledge in the afternoons and letting my mind roam free

- eating tons of wasabi poke

- finding and creating meals for us to eat

- touring the lavendar gardens

- riding my bike through the neighborhood near the ocean

- thrifting a vans tee and a tank top at the salvation army

- visiting the outdoor plant nursery

- my photo shoots with sicily

- hiking to twin falls and losing a shoe in the waterfall

- seeing huge turtles chilling on the beach

- taking a gnarly fall on my bike

- watching the rap game in the evenings

- getting an earlier flight into maui because i asked

the things i learned the most while i was there was that family/community is the true treasure, slow living is essential, and peace can be our constant position. 

i completed over a month long fast back in february and want to do another for the week leading up to easter. i didn’t document the process of my last fast as much as i wanted and didn’t have definitive goals. it was successful in the fact that i reprioritized the order of things in my life, but i can’t pinpoint exact things the Lord did. so, this time around, i want to be specific and hold myself more accountable by logging the process on here.

time frame: march 25th through april 1st

fasting: instagram, facebook, and tv

goals: i want to address the roots of my inability to be open and vulnerable with people, get a revelation about my future partner, and get a revelation about my next job

below are two quotes i like about fasting...

“fasting is letting go of all that is seen and temporal. fasting helps express, deepen, and confirm the resolution that we are ready to sacrifice anything, even ourselves to attain what we seek for the kingdom of God.”

“the purpose of fasting is to loosen to some degree the ties which bind us to the world of material things and our surroundings as a whole, in order that we may concentrate all our spiritual powers upon the unseen and eternal things.”

dear God, 

dear God,

this is my month of adventure. between maui and kez, almost my whole month will be accounted for. i am writing this from my phone mere feet from the ocean tide. the sky teases between being full sun and overcast. something about being next to water stirs my heart. i think about my desire to live in california and to raise kids by the ocean. i’m not a beach girl, but it awakens something in my soul that the city can’t. february was a special month. i really did feel You quieting my spirit and romancing my heart. every day i feel a little closer to my original design and my hubby. i think the closer i get to myself, the closer i get to finding him. i feel far from knowing anything about my future, and yet am more faith filled. You have been reminding me of how everything i’ve needed has come when it was supposed to. i prayed for a quality community for years and now am a part of one that so captures my heart. each person in my tribe gives me something i desperately need. raquel gives me inappropriate humor, haylee gives me depth, maddie gives me dreaming, ty gives me loyalty, makoto gives me sarcasm, chase gives me humility, connor gives me compassion, tommy gives me childhood, parker gives me passion, matt gives me authenticity, jake gives me intention. whenever i am prone to fear if my future will be what i want, i think about my friends and how You knew exactly what i needed.

i’ve noticed that my heart has been holding these two opposing feelings lately: joy and loneliness. my days are full of great things. exploring. nature. friendship. coffee. making money. rest. peace. family. dreaming. but at the same time, i am more aware of how much i want my love to share these moments with me. i feel this constant ache of missing someone i haven’t met. this great homesickness in all that i do. God, i do not know Your ways. i do not see what You do. please give me the faith to trust in the wait. help me to live like a wife before the time comes. it could be next month, next year, three years from now before i find my love. give me faith to believe he is coming in the best timing. help relieve this ache in my heart. i see so many people around me who are in love and i can’t help but feel sad and confused as to why i have had the story i have. part of me feels so far from my love story, but the other part of me thinks that i wouldn’t be feeling so aware of it if it wasn’t coming soon. even though my life would look successful to a lot of people, myself included, i feel like the true success is sharing it with my love. part of me wishes i could trade in these last four years for my past relationship. part of me is glad that i’m where i am. i have been thinking a lot about what david in the bible must have felt like after his son died because of his actions. did he ever think about the what if’s? did he carry his son as an ache in his heart? did solomon redeem the child he lost? if that first child had lived, would it have been less than what david’s legacy ended up being?

yesterday i wrote a melody while i was playing in the water. i pray these lyrics over my month.

i cannot swim but i cannot sink

so i will dance in the waters of your love

and when you come and when you go

i will dance in the waters of your love

dear dani,

remember the story of the children of israel. i have led you out of egypt, i have led you through the desert. now we have arrived at your promise land. you are surrounded by couples who have entered into what you hope to have. will you be like the israelites and turn to fear when they said, “why didn’t we die in egypt? or in this wilderness? why has God brought us to this country to kill us? our wives and children are about to become plunder. why don’t we just head back to egypt? and right now!”

or will you be like joshua when he says, “the land we walked through and scouted out is a very good land—very good indeed. if God is pleased with us, he will lead us into that land, a land that flows, as they say, with milk and honey. and he’ll give it to us. just don’t rebel against God! and don’t be afraid of those people. why, we’ll have them for lunch! they have no protection and God is on our side. don’t be afraid of them!”

i’m a little late in the game because i forgot that i was doing a prayer a month (whoops). so, for the remaining three weeks of this month, i am excited to speak vision. 

dear God, 

one month down and eleven to go. day thirty eight of three hundred and sixty five days. week five of fifty four. this is my month of slow living. i am fasting from social media, television, secular music, sugar, and alcohol. like turning down the volume on the radio when you’re trying to figure out where you’re supposed to turn when you’re lost, this fast is helping clear the noise of the enemy so that i can find my direction. i am wanting break through in so many areas of my life during this fast. for one, Lord, i really want break through in my heart and mind when it comes to my last relationship. so many thoughts and emotions hit me every day thinking about my past. things i regret, things i miss. like the waves of the ocean, memories crash into my reality and make it so hard to move forward. i pray that as i fast social media, you would help me build a boat to ride above the waves of those memories. another break through i need is in what i am supposed to be doing with my life. i have no game plan. after hawaii and kez visiting, i have no obligations. i pray that if i’m supposed to get a job in my degree field, you would start placing on my heart positions and populations of people you want me to work with. if you want me to get a job in coffee or retail, i pray that you would put a place on my heart. if you want me to keep nannying/babysitting, i pray you would give me such a peace to keep in this lane. as i give up television, please speak to me the next step you have planned for me. i really do believe this is my year to stride, like transformation church talked about in their sermon series. it is my year to do less striving, so God can do more. it is my year to slow down and walk at the pace of grace. it is my year of love. help me to gain wisdom and understanding in how to do these things. i don’t know how to love like you do: unconditionally, without getting jealous, trusting people, keeping no record of wrong. i struggle in those areas. i know i have a really hard time trusting people and letting people in. Lord help show me the people that i can trust and show me the ways i practice trusting. help me to not just forgive, but also forget people’s wrongs that they do to me. i know that there is bitterness inside of me because of the things people have done to me. show me the people that i haven’t truely forgiven. and Lord, i need you to lavish your love on me. so often i think of you as the person withholding from me because you are frustrated with me or trying to teach me a lesson. please show me how much you love me. show me when i read your word and through other people. i need to believe that you are for me and not against me. please help show me and remind me of that truth. lastly Lord, you know i want a man. it is so hard to watch the people around me fall in love and plan their futures when i have wanted a man for so long. sometimes i feel like you’ll make me wait till i’m thirty just to prove a point to me. sometimes i feel like i deserve a relationship more than my friends, who are in relationships, do. i have waited, i have said no to less than what my standards are, i have prayed, i have been serving you, and yet, i find myself so far from love. i really do pray that my husband is just around the corner. but until he comes, help develop my purpose, my place, my provision, and my identity. grow my faith in you that you are capable of bringing something out of nothing and that you have the most amazing man in store for me. i can’t imagine loving someone more than i loved my ex, but i know that if he wasn’t supposed to be mine, you only could have someone i’ll love even more for me. in this love month, love on me. send me visions of my future love. teach me what true love acts like. i love you. 

dear dani,

romans 8:28 - the moment we get tired in the waiting, God’s Spirit is right alongside helping us along. if we don’t know how or what to pray, it doesn’t matter. he does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans. he knows us far better than we know ourselves, knows our pregnant condition, and keeps us present before God. that’s why we can be so sure that every detail in our lives of love for God is worked into something good. 

it is february first and i am excited to report that i completed all but one of my financial goals. the one i didn’t complete was my student loan. i was only able to put $240 instead of $340 towards my debt. as a reminder, here is the list of last month’s goals:

goal one: put $340 towards my debt

goal two: pay $475 on my discover card for my trip to hawaii

goal three: get checks from first bank

goal four: pay my tithe

goal five: write a check for curtis and deb (the nonprofit i support)

goal six: only spend the $80 i have set aside while in canada

goal seven: create a budget/ledger/spending plan

as of now, i still owe $2,300 on my student loan. by the end of the month, i would like to complete the following goals:

goal one: have my student loan be at $1,700 or lower.

goal two: put only gas on my credit card

goal three: pay my dad $400 towards my italy trip

goal four: pay my progressive bill before february 22

each month i also want to remember all the fun things i did, so here is a list of all that january entailed: 

- i watched the most epic sunset on huntington beach with my brother

- i sat front row at my favorite comedians show

- i ate the best sushi bowl while in la

- i celebrated my uncle’s 90th birthday party 

- i visited my friend victoria who i hadn’t seen in almost two years

- i won $60 in vegas

- i officially gave up alcohol to support a friend

- i gave up sweets to support my brother

- chris delia liked one of my instagram photos

- i visited vancouver canada

- i taught a mystery detective sunday school lesson

- i bought tickets to hawaii to see shar and sicily

- i dyed my brother’s hair blonde 

- i walked on a suspension bridge in vancouver

- i did my first ever barista course through ywam denver

- i went to a masquerade murder mystery dinner party with my dad

- atticus said my name for the first time

- i took my first long distance bus trip

- i found transformation church online 

- i listened to blues at crowfoot valley one night

- i babysat for the first time a child with down syndrome

- i got hired on to watch a six month old for the month of february

- i started officially growing out my eyebrows

- solidified my friendship with haylee

- started my twentyone day prayer and fasting with transformation church

- i saw where the front of the psych building was shot (white rock, canada)

- our college and career had a fun lunch at a diner

ej and i shared the beautiful experience of our first brother sister road trip this past week! we journeyed from denver to huntington for a mini getaway. it was planned last minute, but i had been wanting to go to cali for some time before he asked, so it worked out perfect that he had a desire to go. we left in the early morning and planned to drive until we hit vegas. there were naps, music, podcasts, and only one drink spilled by the time we made it to vegas. once we arrived, we walked around vibing out where we wanted to be. we landed at a cheaps crap table where ej taught me how to play. it wasn’t my game, although it is certainly his, and moved over to the slots. by the end of the night i walked away with almost $70! 

we spent the night in the parking garage of one of the casinos. ej had a fear that we would die of carbon monoxide if we didn’t keep one of the windows cracked, so we halfway froze our first night. in the morning, i stopped at whole foods and grabbed a coconut flavored coffee and we made our way towards huntington. when we had crossed the border into cali, we stopped for in-n-out and i got an animal style double double (the only option). next door was a krispy kreme, so obviously i had to get one for the road.

we rolled up to the board walk in the heat of the late afternoon. people were playing in the sand, there were surfers out, and it felt so right being back. we took off our shoes and walked to the ocean’s tip to watch the sunset. this sunset lasted forever. it was magical. we stood side by side in silence as the colors morphed and shifted as the sun sank lower and lower. even after the sun set, the sky continued to make art. at the beginning of the year God gave me the promise of a sunset year, and He spoke so much about my future during that sunset. after what seemed like hours, we walked back to the shopping area and visited a few of the boutiques. we found a pizza joint where they cut your pizza with scissors. as we were sitting outside eating we marveled at how good life is. how good God is to us. thankfully, my brother is just as much a thrifter as i am, so we headed to goodwill to find some cali inspiration. i bought a pair of adidas joggers, new zip up sneakers, and a leather skirt. 

the next morning we got up and made our way to venice. we walked along the cutest boutiques as i sipped on a coffee from intelligentsia. if you go to venice, walk along abbot kinney boulevard because you will not be disappointed. if i ever had the money to open up a shop, i’d want to open it in that area. when our hunger couldn’t be ignored anymore, we drove to a local mexican restauraunt for some carne asada tacos and horchata. we also visited a lil plant shop, where i shockingly didn’t buy a plant. we then made our way to west hollywood. we had a hard time finding parking, but that’s to be expected. we found the hollywood walk of fame and walked it for about twelve blocks. it’s eighteen in total, but we gave up after twelve. we checked out the chinese theatre and ej got to take pictures of some of his favorite actors’ handprints. i was hungry again and found the most amazing sushi bowl place called pokinometry. they gave me so many chunks of fresh, raw fish on top of brown rice and ginger sauce and it was only $12. money well well spent. 

we then made our way to the comedy club we were going to be attending that night. we had a few hours to kill so we walked sunset strip as the sun was setting. we ate more food by our car and enjoyed the weather of california. the sunset and all the lights of the city turned on. the city came alive even more than before. another moment of time where i sat on the curb of a parking lot we were chillin in and thanked God for my life. we then got in line to see our favorite comedian perform. because we got there early, we got to sit in the very front row of the comedy club. we laughed so hard at all the comedians that performed. my brother got roasted and loved every second of it. most of the comedians spent a length of their time acknowledging the two of us. afterwards we were just as popular as the comedians. people came up to us to shake ej’s hand and have conversations with us. it was awesome. then we made our way home buzzing off of the energy of the show. 

the next day we woke up and headed back to huntington. i met up with my good friend victoria and we caught up over giant bowls of acai. i hadn’t seen her in person in almost two years. we walked along the streets and she encouraged my heart so much. then i met up with my friends haylee and sam and we chatted over coffee at milk + honey. ej went on his own adventure during that time to check out places he had wanted to visit. once the evening hit, we decided to start our journey home. we stopped at in-n-out for one last double double and then peaced out. we took turns driving so we could make it home in one straight shot. ej didn’t want to spend another night in the car freezing. ej took most of the night driving, but because of how paranoid my parents had made me about people falling asleep at the wheel, every half hour or so i was waking up to check on my brother. when he finally tapped out, i took over as the sun was rising. i got to chat with friends on the phone while ej slept and even stopped at a local coffee shop in the middle of nowhere for my morning latte to get me through the final stretch of the drive. 

we made it home by the afternoon and we had more carne asada tacos waiting for us by our dad. the trip was amazing. traveling, and especially road tripping always does my heart good. it gives me time to think, to process, to listen, to see. i am thankful that my brother and i got to spend some quality time together. it is an experience i’ll hold close to my heart. i love that God has designed me with the desire to travel. and with that desire he has provided provision for me to be able to do it. i hope the rest of this year is filled with new sights and experiences with people i hold dear. cheers to starting the year off well!