Hey life is fucking weird and the universe sometimes aligns to have fuckass coincidences that shake one's stalwart belief in the fundamental randomness of all creation
Last weekend I tried to force some sort of catharsis/celebration for the 2 yr mark of my breakup and also tried to rope my guy friends into it because I Felt Bad and they make me Feel Better. It didnt work and that weekend fucking sucked and I felt icky and guilty.
Today is the actual Day Of. Two years ago today I finally left him. I kinda forgot until just now because I had work and then right after work I went hunting.
Shot a little nubby buck.
Sitting here after the hunt I wanna say its as if I shot the Leech. Sitting on my floor and remembering today was The Day I said, out loud, to no one in particular, "oh my god. I shot him..." Because it *kinda* feels like the deer was a stand-in for him given that it was Today, of all days, and that it turned out to be a little nubby buck rather than a doe... but I wasn't actually thinking about him at all today. And of course I could never hunt with hate in my heart. But I do feel a little lighter.
A gift. He is a gift. This meat and this fur are gifts. Almost feels like I've been paid back a little.
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Do you ever look back on someone and how they tried to control you and just realize, like, ah, I see - you still think there's an invisible race and you're falling behind, and my refusal to participate in a societal hallucination is somehow slowing you down. Well, that's not my problem.
Me, suddenly discovering I am in dire financial straits, would not have had enough money for rent and student loans come tomorrow when everything autopays: ugh I could have had a rich pharmacist husband if I'd married my ex
The angel on my shoulder: HE NEVER WANTED TO SHARE HIS MONEY WITH YOU ANYWAY YOU IDIOT!!!!!!!! NOT TO MENTION YOU LITERALLY HAVE PTSD FROM THAT SHITBAG!!!!!!!! FUCK OOOOOOOOOOFFFFFFFFFF!!!!!!!!
Trouble trusting my brain rn bc I'm Randomly Down in the Dumps and I would kill to get back what I had and I would kill to forget everything that happened to me and I would kill to be fucking normal I just want to be normal I want to be normal I want to be normal and if I can't be normal I want someone to tell me it'll be okay
A bit peeved at everyone who was telling me "working with [CrackHead] will be... an adjustment" because like. No. Incorrect. There is no adjustment. On day one I already liked him a lot and he already likes me and he's easy to please and he's generous with praise and he's high energy and he's fun and friendly and laid back and his leadership style is similar to Crush - meaning he has a Work Mode and a Work Voice separate from his Joke Mode and Joke Voice and it's perfectly clear which one he's using at any time, and he trusts me to do the work and do it well without needing an exhaustive explanation of standards of completion or quality and without constant monitoring; he knows he can let me off leash and give a command and it will be done. One tiny peeve is I think he is babying me just a little because today he was like 'take a little while to get used to the tractor' and I was like 'uhhh I operated this same model for 100 hours last year it'll be like riding a bike' and he was like 'i want you to be comfortable and safe' and I was like 'i know and I promise I'm fine I'm not being macho I'm ready to rock right away' but I'm not really faulting him for it because this is the first time I've ever worked for him and he doesn't quite know my knowledge base yet and now that I think about it I think he's actually trying to make sure I feel comfortable so on second thought I appreciate it.
But back to the main point which is I feel like some people have condescended / patronized / babied me through my deliberations during the Banishment AND somewhat continuing during the Return. Well, I say some people. Really just the women. No man has treated me that way or spoken to me like I'm stupid. No men have said anything similar to the following except to explain what the women meant- or perhaps defend them? Things that have been said being "Well, it won't be the same you know," yes thank you Mother I'm perfectly fucking aware of that, I know I will never ever regain what I lost, thank you for that profound revelation. "[CrackHead] will be an adjustment," what does that mean? "Well, just that he's not Crush," yeah no duh Acquaintance Woman I'm keenly fucking aware he won't be the same as Crush because NO ONE is the same, Crush is entirely unique.
Its like they think I quit that job and fled the Banishment because I'm weak-willed stupid naive and childish. It seems like they think that I fled the Banishment simply because it was "too hard" or "no fun" when that's just Not the fucking case! Yes it was hard but I'm no stranger to doing difficult things! Hard has never ever stopped me before and this time was no different! I kicked ass at that job, I was good at what I did, I was skilled, and I put in UN. REAL. amounts of effort. And I'm a fucking Adult Man! I know life is not all sunshine and rainbows and even the perfect job that makes you happy all the time is still gonna have moments that suck ass! I didn't quit because things were hard or because things were different, I quit because my health was spiraling out of control! I almost never ate, I barely slept, I had the same nightmare night after night after night, (that nightmare being me and Crush sitting talking and he says something innocent and I completely lose my temper and rip his face off!) and I was So Close to using alcohol as medicine. Don't fucking talk down to me like there's a lesson I'm missing - I already learned it and I don't need to hear ANYTHING from YOU. Don't fucking talk to me like I'm a little kid. Don't fucking talk to me like you know better because you fucking don't. And what would you do in my position? What the fuck would you do once you realized your abuser left you in absolute shambles with open wounds and unfathomable rage and a crushing loneliness that he carefully sharpened to a razor edge? what the fuck would you do when it hit you that the only thing standing between you and what he did was the people you met and the bonds you formed and the daily hits of dopamine and the unrequited, ferocious, frantic, rabid affection for the man who pulled you out of that trap? What would you do if you felt as bad as you did during the abuse, except this time you don't have anywhere to escape to and almost no one to lean on in enough capacity to make a difference, and then suddenly there's a path back Home? What the fuck would you do?
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Not to be on an FBI or Mental Health watch list or anything but if I ever by chance see that fucking Leech ever again I hope I'm with a friend strong enough to restrain me because I'm going to do my very best to fucking kill him right then and there
1 year anniversary TODAY of breaking free from that no-good slimey manipulative isolating rapey abusive narcissist mother fucker sonofabitch shitstain transition-stopping chaser and my only regret is I didn't curb-stomp his heart or his body into a watery slurry of blood and mincemeat when I had the chance because he absolutely fucking deserves it for what he did and is probably doing again to that new boy he caught in his snare barely two weeks after I got out
This weekend I'm gonna do stuff I could never do when I was stuck with him
