#mycrush

Yendo entre BOKeTE y Mystical Magical — nadando en ambos, too's los feelings — uno contra otro. Complementarios. Contradictorios. Con el corazón bipolar: del Ártico al desierto, de maníaca a contenida, adormecida por dentro, con vida por fuera.

-Karime S.

AGH! AGH! AAAAHHHHHGHH! BEATING MY BRAIN WITH A STICK! AND MY STUPID HEART! My stupid Faggot Heart is a big beautiful horse full of SoMany emotions and he loves to run sosofast towards unavailable straight men who are niceys to me, across big beautiful open fields full of potholes, and he looooooves to break all his legs!

We got a new one boys! And this one! Isn't even my type! And the old ones! Also are not going away!

He is making me insane! And it's different and weird and new because! This one I am sure likes and respects me as a guy friend and coworker! The others I am always afraid they think I am annoyinnnngggg and secretly hate me but this one I never worry about that! Because he is the type where if he does not like you you will KNOW. And he has only been getting nicer and nicer lately! He is literally just a block or so away rn and I only saw him for about 10 minutes yesterday and I was so happy to see his smiling face and I MISS him?????

And I know why, it's because last week I saw Crush Proper and I miss HIM sosobad and I second guess every interaction I have with him worrying he secretly hates me or he knows how I feel and I make him uncomfortable and it makes me pace my enclosure and chew off my own foot!!!

And now that I think about it I am not even sure if THIS one is really a crush or if I just really like him alot as a friend with the extra flavoring of he's the only one I am out to at work so he is extra special because he is safe. Because I think I might feel the same way minus the being out about another guy in this office who is in an entirely different department! Because when I saw HIS big smile yesterday that made me really happy too!!!!! IS THIS ACTUALLY JUST A GENDER VALIDATION THING, THAT IT FEELS GOOD TO HAVE THE APPROVAL OF FELLOW HEAVILY-MASC GUYS I ASPIRE TO EMULATE?

IS THIS ALL JUST A BIG TANGLE OF GENDER EUPHORIA AND FRIENDSHIP AND SAFETY, WITH SPECIAL CASES OF CRUSH ON THE SIDE?