#fuckbreakups

I’m just going to keep smoking til shit makes sense or I fall asleep 🤔🍁😴

I love you, but you’re not mine to love.

I want to clear one thing out. People often think that “oohh she’s the one who ended things with him. I bet she feels no pain right now” wow. That’s just fucked up man. People, whether a man or a woman, has their own reasons why they chose to cut it loose. I recently broke up with my bf. Believe me he’s like the most wonderful thing that ever crossed my path. I knew we loved each other s much but i got tired of fighting over small problems. So i ended things with him. We used to break up all the time but he never stopped begging and chasing for me to come back but now? Instincts tell me this time, we’re done. The fact that he thinks i enjoyed breaking up with him kinda insulted me. He told my sister that i’ll be okay. Yeah sure i’m not struggling with the pain right now just because i was the one who broke up with him. Little did he know, i haven’t had any sleep since the day we broke up. I couldn’t stop crying and the heavy thoughts kept attacking at dawn specifically at 3 am. The tears just doesn’t stop from flowing. A little tear falls, a whole lot follows like wtf. It even scares me because sometimes when i simply stare at my reflection at my mirror, i start to see him beside me. Hell i think it’s a bit creepy but his face looks so calm and peaceful. I can even feel his shoulders when i attempted to lean on him. I knew i was hallucinating. But trust me, shit looked real. I knew it was a side effect of sleep deprivation but damn if this is what being sleep deprived means, i’ll take it as a gift. Even only as hallucinations that i see him, i’ll keep on not sleeping damn at least i can still see him with me. The worst part about that is, even if i’m walking around the city or even just at home, wherever i turn my head to i see him. I see him in the streets where i was walking. I see him in the stores where i buy my favorite stuff from. I see him in our kitchen cooking our favorite yet cheap dish or washing the dishes as i command him. I see him in my room doing nonsense things with my laptop. I see him in our dining area eating and drinking every shit in our fridge. I see him in our terrace playing with our puppy who was named after their cat. I hear his voice in jeepneys we used to ride. I see him nodding to the beat of the songs we used to listen to. I see him in motorcycle drivers, it reminded me of our same interests. I see him in the beaches i go, we made our pacts and promises in our spot at beach near their house where we cried a lot and made our hearts feel the warmth of our love. I see him as the sun starts to rise, reminding me of our first sleepover where we stayed out and waited for the sun to come up and for the stars to hide. In the 8 months we’ve spent together i have memorized his reactions and responses with everything that i say or do. My friends often laugh at us because before he could even react or say anything i already did because i knew he’d react that way. I think that’s the difficult part. Whatever i see or wherever i am, i see him. I didn’t want to leave. I wanted to stay. I wanted it to last. But baby i’m not dumb enough to not recognize the pain you’ve caused. I’m tired of the arguing over small stuff again and again. I’m tired of giving chances. I was forced by reasons and realizations to end things. I love you but I’m tired. I hope you’ll eventually find out that darling, I’m struggling too. I’m also wishing that i’d die too. You’re not the only one, Kyre, i lost everything too.

Newness is strangeness. 

That’s it, that’s all I have to say. I’m done. I want to be done. I don’t want to wake up to a blaring alarm at 5:20 tomorrow morning. I don't want to have to get to school at 7:00. I don’t want to walk through the hallways and see people, faces, that don’t care about me. I don’t want to see the people that do, and face their interrogations: Why are you sad? Why do you look like you have been crying? Did you get any sleep last night? I am done. Done with all of it. Done with humanity and emotions and life. I’m just done.

From a photo to a phone call, then on to the front steps. It’s a clever way to illustrate all of the patterns we create. I’m counting seconds between every breath I take, while you patiently anticipate everything you want me to say. But what you’re waiting for just isn’t worth the wait. Do you have good days, or am I still in your way? Are all the things you thought were worth it turning out to be mistakes? Does it feel like we’re stuck forever, alone together? We are. We used to talk about the future. We haven’t said a word in weeks. Are you afraid to let go, let go? Are you afraid to let go? Even though you’re guilty/nervous/sick over the things you struggle with, and second guess what you would miss if you could live without the distance after all. But what you’re waiting for just isn’t worth the wait. Do you have good days, or am I still in your way? Are all the things you thought were worth it turning out to be mistakes? Does it feel like we’re stuck forever, alone together? We are. But soon enough, I’ll grow into a body that you have never touched. You’ll shed your skin between the sheets where you’re making memories without me. Because what you’re waiting for just isn’t worth the wait. Stuck forever, alone together.