#fuckbeingfly

So much has changed in a year

I can’t rephrase that, even though I want to

I am scared of women coming to take you from me in the night

Women with brighter smiles

And younger softer more even toned skin

I am scared of the way you love me

I’m scared another woman might see the way, and she’ll want to put you in her pocket and keep you to herself

I let myself become so small

That my big thoughts keep me awake beside my son at night and

I feel like such a weak woman sometimes

Lately my energy has been disrupted

I fold myself up into a little box and tuck myself into a dusty shelf and try to make it home

I feel so ashamed that I am not yet more

Not yet all I want to be

I’m not a wife

I’m not a business woman

I’m in this vertigo

And everything attainable is spinning around me, everyone I know is moving, and I’m still sitting still

I’ve got a ring that I don’t wear

And a man that isn’t mine

And one day when he is

I call it keeping a safe distance

Like changing your password

From 123456

To my name

When I listen I wonder if we in two very different spaces are hearing the same things and thinking the same thoughts

I am a jealous little thing

With frivolous little tendencies

But only when I think of you

For all other areas of my life have a grey area