#ftmparent

Read under cut thing.

I've been "transitioned" - that is, living as stealth except under certain circumstances since I was 18 years old. I'd just gotten out of high school and felt as though the end of that era would be the perfect opportunity to start new, without people knowing my history. As a result, I never really got the opportunity to learn how to socialize with men on a male level until I myself became a Father.

I'd had an easy time pre-puberty; I preferred to keep the company of boys over girls, played on a football team entirely consisting of boys minus myself, however those things seemed far less complicated upon reflection, and it all felt very distant from the awkward social crusades I'd been embarking on since I'd not only left my parent's home to transition, but the state entirely.

I was lucky in that K was only 11 months old at this time, and children's socialization is fairly neutral in terms of gender politics up until they reach school. Often even after that. How lovely.

What that meant was that I had approximately 5 years give or take in order to get this shit down so I could have some answers when asked in the future.

Various disasters and me being completely anti-social and awkward to begin with aside, I learnt how to be comfortable in situations that had previously made me uncomfortable. 

When K began school, he actually found it odd that some of his friends that were male expressed dislike that he chose to play with little girls occasionally. To K, these things were irrelevant; if you were into playing in the sandpit, you could damn well play with him. We simply explained that kids can get a bit funny with girls vs. boys type things, and told him we were proud of him for standing up for his friends.

Fast forward a year or so (Grade 1), and K is exclusively playing with male friends except for rare occasions. He has two girlfriends (who are both aware of each other!) and he finds this quite acceptable but his mates think this is absurd. Why would you want to hang out with girls, let alone have a girlfriend?!

Year two came around and things got interesting. All of a sudden it was certainly not cool to have a girlfriend (he'd had one the entire year! haha) and girls who were simply play friends before became completely uninvolved from the very serious games of pokemon and spys in the yard. He came home one day, very upset because his girlfriend had dumped him without citing why and had that same day decided Henry would make a more suitable companion.

All I could think of was "You are 8. This isn't supposed to happen for a long time jsdgajskdfga!"

I did the whole "There's plenty more fish in the sea!" dealio, all while explaining that it took his Mum and I a lot of years to find each other, and that he will lose a lot more girlfriends in the future but I'll be here to answer anything he needs and listen whenever he wants.

I explained that this is all part of growing up.  But sheesh kid, you've got soooo long to do that.

What I found confronting with all of this was that I didn't feel remotely qualified to be having these little talks about the nuances of socialization in the school yard with my Son, simply because I didn't have the history I should have.

This is just as difficult and contradictory as it sounds. Last year some time K came home from school and asked my Wife and I if he was "fat". We were absolutely gobsmacked, assured him he was not because he eats a well balanced diet and is an active child. Then we asked him to detail why he thought he was fat.

Turns out even seven year old boys are subjected to notions of "proper" body image at school. His friends were talking about "fat people" and one little girl mentioned he had a "big belly" (he does not). I had to sit him down and explain that his body is beautiful and he needs to see it as such, because if he becomes to concerned with what others think of him he might begin to see himself as not being handsome, or not having an acceptable body. I explained that even people who have larger bodies are still beautiful, and often there are reasons as to why someone may have a larger body than someone else such as illness, poor diet, lack of excercise or genetics.

I also explained that the reason why his Mother and I make his lunches and dinners (he does breakfast himself) is because we always want to make sure he is eating a well-balanced, nutritious diet. I explained about how because he is such an active child, even though we let him indulge in sweets occasionally there is nothing wrong with that in moderation.

My Wife was actually beside herself at all of this, because she is somewhat of a "larger" woman in terms of societal standards. She was stressed that notions of what is deemed to be the perfect body were already prevelant in the playground at his age. I was shocked myself.

What I found difficult as a trans man parent was the fact that I had to sit there and outline ways in which to look after your own positive body image, all the while not employing any of them myself. I suppose the old "do as I say, not as I do" line could apply here, however that's not really the way I parent. I like to take an active demonstratable role - and here I simply cannot.

For various reasons mostly relating to transsexuality, I do not like my own body. I have had issues with eating disorders, obsessive gym regimes and denying myself food. Not to mention the dysphoria which is an ongoing, painful additive to my daily life - dysphoria in itself screams "your body is not right, nor will it ever be".

It's difficult to feel like a hypocrite when trying to educate, but I realise I had to put my own emotions to the side in order to properly tackle the issue. I check in on K regularly in anecdotal ways to see if his body image is still positive, and I've had nothing but good responses ever since our talk.

I have a little boy, and when he was toilet training he first sat down to avoid accidents. Soon he was completely toilet-confidant and it was time to teach him how to aim properly while standing to pee. Bang, instant hatred for my own body (again).

Most other father's in this situation would simply be able to lead by example. I didn't want to use my stp in order to demonstrate how one aims and stands, as I tend to have a hard time pissing in front of anyone let alone a very curious little toddler. I guess to K, it wasn't that big of a deal. I talked him through it and he learnt without demonstration....

For me it was monumental. Catastrophic. I can't accurately articulate the thoughts that were echoing through my mind for weeks after that happened, but it's one of thousands of nuances that cisgendered men wouldn't have to deal with.

K, my Wife and I go camping frequently. Whenever I need to piss, I make sure to go as far away from view as I can so K doesn't see me. I have a good stp, but the color isn't perfect and I don't want to have to deal with explaining what it is or why I have to use it.