it's so interesting to me how things have changed. you see little differences in the world, you know? and no, things aren't perfect. they may never be, but thinking back on things and looking at where i am now...it gives me hope
in high school and college i was told i was too feminine to play a man. i had directors shout at me, telling me to not be so girly. to not sway my hips, to walk with a distinction befitting only a man. i think it contributed a lot to the depression i experienced then. in my eyes, i was every character i wanted to be. i was hamlet. i was ophelia. i was melchior gabor and mrs. lovett and the baudelaire siblings. a child and a person grown, one kept inside of a box that i had long since tunneled a hole out of so that i could be free while everyone else slept
at the end of the day, nothing was ever right. my outside appearance, to the world, didn't match what i saw in the mirror. long hair and perky breasts and curvy hips. to me, an average man. when i walked, i did so with a cock between my legs, though only i could feel it. it was all in my head. and that was enough for me. i wondered why it couldn't be enough for everyone else
i auditioned for a travelling show. the leading character was a five year old boy. i was told that i was much too feminine for this. to play a child. why, no one would believe it. i was cast as "sexy dog". i couldn't parse something the director told me to do. she said "well, at least you're pretty"
i called myself by many names. names that hadn't been given to me. better names. a man's name. i felt like myself when it was used. most people thought it was a joke, so i smiled or laughed like i was in on it. it ate at me
it's been years. the confidence in me all dried up but i found a thread and followed it back here. sometimes my hands shake whenever i hold a script. sometimes i find myself back on a dark stage, crawling on all fours, while a director whispers "too feminine" and thinks i can't hear it... i remember rehearsals where my breathing stopped. where i wept. it makes it difficult to think or be in the moment
but i said there was hope here and i think there is. upon returning to the world of the theatre, i found a world changed. it made me notice all the differences that have been around me for years. here is a world where i audition for a play, i put down that i'll play any gender, and i get cast as horatio, friend to hamlet (m.). it's a world where i am seen more in keeping with what i am, what i envision. a friend to hamlet. a friend to myself. a man
but it isn't only in roles. i go to work, they call me he/him. i go to the bookstore and i hear "sir". i win a men's costume contest. all with breasts and wide hips and a fat ass. it isn't me who has changed (though i have changed), but the world. and i think that there is some beauty in that. someone asks my pronouns and i say "he/him" and they accept that as law. "this is a man," they think. old and young. they say "he/him". they don't question the silly names i use for myself. they write them with reverence on employee forms and cast lists
sometimes it's hard for me to see good or hope but i try. and today, it really struck me. that's why i'm sharing this now. the world has a long way to go but i think that there is kindness and acceptance in it too and people who are willing to love you just as you are and affirm your sense of self out of respect. i want people to know that. that there are so many battles to fight but one day, you'll find yourself where you need to be and everything will slot into place and you'll realise that the world isn't all bad and pain and you will be okay
