#ft.ari

What do their hands feel like? Soft, calloused, trembling?

Sev's hands are definitely not soft, that's for sure. They get rougher with age and definitely end up calloused after he moves to Silarutan just due to the very hands-on nature of his job. He has a habit of not sleeping until he's totally exhausted and sometimes the fatigue can make his hands shake.

Do they crave touch or fear it?

Both. He's so desperate for physical affection but it scares him too. He spent so much of his childhood being hurt over and over again that he started associating physical contact with abuse and pain so he picked up the habit of shying away from it. In Artifalux he seeks out all physical contact no matter if it hurts or not because he's feeling very self destructive and stops caring so much about being safe. When he's in Silarutan he begins to unravel all of his trauma and work through it slowly and is able to be much more physically affectionate with those he loves.

Do they have a sound, like a song or voice, that they associate with peace?

Ari reads books or tells bedtime stories to Lullaby and Birdie at night. Sev likes to sit with them as he does this and listen to. Ari's voice as a whole is very comforting to him, but hearing Ari talk to their kids brings him a lot of peace.

When did they feel the safest?

Sev has a lot of trouble feeling truly safe given his upbringing. He's also a cautious person by nature and sometimes this veers more towards paranoia on his bad days. He feels the safest when he's with his family and friends though, surrounded by their voices and warmth.

How do they sleep? Curled up, sprawled, holding onto something?

Most of his life he sleeps as tightly curled up as he can possibly get, but he slowly softens up a bit after moving to Silarutan. He would gravitate towards Verin on nights they shared a bed because he enjoyed the body heat, and continues that trend with Ari in the present day.

What is a fear they never talk about?

Sev doesn't like to talk about any of his fears really, but he absolutely refuses to bring up his fear of being abandoned. An irrational part of himself is convinced if he voices the fear it'll trigger an event where it comes true and his loved ones leave him. It's easier to just never mention it.

What is a secret they've sworn never to tell?

For a while he swore he'd never tell anyone about what he did to his mother. While he does stick to this for a long time, he does eventually break down and confess to Ari and their friends the truth of what happened that day. He still feels a deep shame about it. He vows to never tell his daughters about what happened.

When was the last time they broke a promise?

Sev hates breaking promises. He's loyal to a fault and puts a lot of value in his promises, so does his best never to break them. Sev will not make a promise he doesn't think he can keep, even if it's the smallest doubt. He's never broken a promise and doesn't plan to start.

Who do they feel they owe, but never paid back?

Verin. While the relationship was mutually toxic and very codependant, it helped him discover a lot of things about himself. It was also Verin who convinced him to leave Artifalux, and it's thanks to him he left and ended up with his life in Silarutan. Sev occasionally misses Verin and hopes he's doing well, and feels guilty that he couldn't do more to help Verin at the time too.

What do they always carry with them?

A small bone dagger kept in a hidden sheath on his hip and a guilt that weighs more than himself.

What's the quickes way to set them off, even if they hide it well?

If you make any kind of threat against his family or even HINT towards causing any harm or mischief towards his family, you'll set him off. He's also very easy to set off if he's overstimulated.

What does guilt feel like to them?

It's the heaviest weight ever. It's suffocating. He wishes it would go away but he doesn't think it ever will.

Who have they never forgiven and never will?

His dad. They didn't get a lot of time together but Sev treasures the few memories they were able to make together. His mom. He loved her so much even if she was terrible and her treatment of him will stay with him forever. Verin. He wishes they could've spent time together sober, but he'll care for the memories they did make.

Is there something or someone that, if lost, would break them?

Losing Ari or either of their daughters would devestate him enough that he'd probably either end up catatonic with grief or he'd completely snap and choose violence. If all three were lost he'd having nothing left to fight for and would probably give up entirely.

Is there a pain they refuse to heal from?

The loss of his wings. He will never forgive his mother for taking them from him. He has to live with chronic pain because of the badly done surgery and he lost an important part of himself that day, as well as a key feature that tied him to his father.

When have they looked at their reflection and hated what they saw?

Pretty much every time he looks in a reflective surface. Part of this early on was tied to his identity as trans masc, but a lot of it is mostly linked to the fact he has a lot of physical siren traits and those remind him of his mother, and he hates looking like her in any way (even if his main appearance outside of species traits resembles his dad more).

What superstition or ritual do they cling to?

Sev never really considered himself a superstitious person before meeting Ari, and he still isn't sure he really is. Despite this he does participate in the Rosebay cultural tradition of gifting a child a carved animal token, which is supposed to bring good luck, strength, and fortune to the child in question. He's not sure he really believes in it, but he knows Ari does, and the girls love their animal charms and that's enough for him.

When was the last time they cried?

He doesn't cry often. Crying as a child was punished so he would do his best to avoid it and push it down as much as possible. Some notable times he cried however include; the death of his father, while murdering his mother, during withdrawal after Artifalux, getting married, seeing Birdie fly for the first time, and while confessing to Ari and his friends about the death of his mother.

Do animals like them instinctively?

He doesn't interact with living animals very often really, but those he does interact with seem to like him well enough. He gets along particularly well with dogs.

How do they laugh?

It depends. If he's trying not to bring attention to himself it's usually just a little snort or snicker, a barely there thing that he can quickly cover up. But when he lets himself truly laugh he's loud and unashamed, clutching his stomach and throwing his head back.

Who taught them what love is? Did it hurt?

Depends on the kind of love. He learned love from everyone, and all of it hurt in various ways. He learned paternal love from his father, learned obsession and codependant love from Verin, learned familial and platonic love from his friends, learned parental love from raising his girls, and learned true unconditional romantic love with Ari. All of these forms of love helped him discover more about himself but also hurt him in some way or another; losing his father in a murder, having to give up his time with Verin, having to learn to open up and trust his friends even though it scared him, having to battle through the self doubt of being a parent, and having to cross the hurdles of romance and boundaries with Ari.

Do they believe they're worthy of being loved?

No. God no. He doesn't think he deserves the life he has now, the quiet peace of the village and his job and his family. He doesn't believe he deserves his husband, doesn't think he's a good father. I don't know if he'll ever feel worthy. They all love him anyway though.

What is their main love language?

Acts of service. Above all over love languages, Sev feels the best when he is doing something for someone he loves. He likes to help his friends with their work, likes teaching his girls new skills, like creating useful things for Ari. Part of it comes from the fact he feels like he needs to be useful to be loved, but also it's something he does genuinely enjoy.

Who do they search for?

Security, safety, joy.

Is there a story they love sharing with others?

It's a bittersweet memory for him but he'll tell his daughters all about the first time he ever got to fly and the joy of bonding with his father over it. He doesn't think most of his life is really worth reliving through storytelling, but that memory still feels warm to him.

Do they have a dream or goal they have given up on?

After his dad died and before his wings were too damaged, he dreamed of flying away and leaving his mother behind for good, maybe even travelling to the surface. It never worked out and he stopped thinking about it after losing his wings.

What memory do they replay when they're alone?

He tries not to think about it but when he's alone he can't help but fall back on the memory of killing his mother. It'd been such a gruesome, viscerally disgusting death and he'd been sobbing the entire time and he still feels a lot of guilt, shame, and grief over it.

What's the one choice they regret (not) making?

Not going back for Verin. He isn't sure if Verin would've even left Artifalux with him, but part of him regrets not at least asking him to.

What's the truth about themselves they refuse to admit?

He's not as hard to love as he thinks he is.

What kind of drunk are they?

Messy. He doesn't drink often after leaving Artifalux and getting clean. He'll enjoy a glass or so with his friends on rare, special occasions, but he doesn't really enjoy it anymore. He was a messy drunk in Artifalux. He'd drink too much and ignore his limits and throw himself head first into any situation he thought would make him feel something. He doesn't want to be like that again.

What kind of letter would they write but never send?

A letter to Verin, maybe. He probably has some rough drafts of one tucked away somewhere that he started after Ari taught him how to read and write. He'll probably never finish it though, and he'll drfinitely never send it.

What is a scar that they have but never talk about?

He tries not to talk about the scars on his shoulders where his wings used to be. All he's really said about it is that he used to have wings and then they got damaged and were removed. He remembers too much about the surgery amd doesn't want to think about it too hard.

Do they have a favourite lie they like to hear?

He doesn't like to be lied to, and he's learned to tell when someone is lying to him. It's hypocritical because he definitely lies by omission about certain things, but he's never claimed to be perfect, so...

What would they want on their gravestone but never admit aloud?

He doesn't want a gravestone. He doesn't care much about being remembered when he dies. As a long life species he's likely to outlive anyone he cares about remembering him anyway.

What kind of future do they crave, and who's in it?

Sev wants a life of peace, safety, and security above anything else, and he wants his family alongside him.

Do they have a recurring dream or nightmare?

He avoids sleeping as often as possible because he has recurring nightmares about various traumas of his. His three most common nightmares are a retelling of his dad's murder, a retelling of his wing surgery, and a retelling of his mom's murder.

Do they feel like they belong?

Sometimes. He's not sure if he's ever really 'belonged' anywhere, which he attributes a little to being part sky species and part sea species, but also blames on his upbringing. He thinks that living in Silarutan is the most he's ever belonged anywhere though.

What does 'home' mean to them?

Home is less about a location and more about who is with him. As long as Ari and his girls are there, it's home to him.

Where would they go if they disappear tomorrow?