#ft. devon

“The apartment is nice, kind of place I always wanted when I was in high school. Brooks and I used to talk about getting an apartment together. We’d both get football scholarships and then get an off campus apartment.” He laughed softly as the memory before he brushed some cookie crumbs off his chest. “But it’s cool, to like not be in the way but shit my..sister’s husband just left so that’s been..that’s been hard. I feel bad almost now, you know? Now that I moved out it feels like real fucked up timing,” he admitted and reached for another cookie. "I’m just trying to keep my head above water, you know? Keep the apartment clean, make the most of it, have a place for my kids to hang out, you know?”

Grace nodded in understanding, helping themselves to a few more cookies as Devon spoke. “And your kids? Have things improved with your son at all? I think I saw him zipping by me in a motorcycle the other day. Very cute,” they joked, glancing over at him with a sweet smile. They had known Devon for almost 7 years, the entire time they had been in North Carolina. He was younger when they met him, the creases in his forehead a little more smoothed out but his eyes had been darker, hopeless, nothing like they looked now. They were rooting for him, hoping they could do something to make his life just a tiny bit easier.

“Yeah, yeah, that was probably Jax. Which his sister has been amazing, always wanting to spend time with me. It’s nice. I mean sometimes I think she makes too much time for me, should probably be hanging out with friends more but I’m not complaining. What dad would be mad about his little girl wanting to spend time with him, you know? And it’s been nice to get to know her life, I mean she’s..a grown woman now,  so, I’m trying to adjust to that and also try not to see her as the baby girl I held in my arms all those years ago. My son though, he’s..god, he’s tough,” he admitted and brushed some hair out of his face again. “Part of me gets it and part of me is fucking annoyed and I feel terrible for saying that, I do. I get it, I’m the one who got locked up but jesus, does he have to be such a dick about it, you know? I mean I tried my best, I-I can’t change what happened and now that I’m here it’s like he’d rather me be back in there, you know? Like I’m fucking inconveniencing him. I mean I get to have a life too right? I don’t know, I don’t want to yell at him or get angry, I want to understand but it’s like impossible to get him in a room with me for longer than a half hour. it’s like he’s taken it as his personal goal to express how fucking pissed his mother is at me.” He sighed and shook his head, feeling bad to admit all of this but he knew Grace would understand, especially because they were a parent themself.  

“Dev, I’m gonna tell you something parents don’t even want to say but kids are assholes. Like yeah they’re amazing, wonderful, human beings but they’re assholes. Selfish, clueless, little assholes. I mean look, your kids are in their early twenties, they’re like basically still teenagers. They’ve been without you for a long time and they’re figuring out what their world looks like now that they have you back, for good. You’re back for good and you’re not disappearing again and that’s hard. It’s a new normal. But your son is being an asshole and it’s okay to tell him that. Honestly. I have a sixteen year old son right now and believe me, he’s the definition of asshole. All he does is stink and give me sideeye as if I didn’t push him out and suffer the consequences of his bigass head,” they added with a laugh and reached out to give his arm a squeeze. “Next time he tries to dip out on you don’t be afraid to be honest. Don’t be afraid to tell him that his actions are hurting you, he needs to know. You did your time, he shouldn’t punish you any further because he’s not mature enough to grasp the gravity of the situation. But give yourself grace, Dev, don’t allow yourself to be walked all over. You’re the parent, remember that.” 

“Fuck, you’re good at this,” he admitted with a laugh, feeling like they had put words to his thoughts and made him feel less guilty all the same. 

“Yeah well I know a thing or two. I like to think I’m a pretty decent parent but we all have shit we regret. I mean I just went through a shitty divorce and I’m trying to figure out what my life looks like. I hardly feel like I’m getting it right all the time so go easy on yourself, you know? Take it slow, Devon, take it slow,” they reminded him and gave him a look before laughing. “Now my favorite subject, your love life, how’s the post breakup world treating you, hm?” Grace had never been a fan of Devon’s relationship with Bella not because they didn’t like her but because they didn’t think it was the kind of relationship that would be supportive to Devon re-entering the world in a way that made him successful. They were sad his heart had been broken but assured he’d be okay, assured he was better off single as he tried to piece his life back together. 

“Oh god talk about not taking it slow,” he admitted, his cheeks a bit red as he thought about it. He didn’t want to mention Anna, knowing the two were friends and knowing they wouldn’t look favorably on the idea of him kissing a married woman whether she initiated it or not. “Some hookups, uh, I kissed my high school ex-girlfriend which wasn’t..bad but not my best choice. She just..got me in all of my feelings,” he added  with a soft laugh, sighing as he ran a hand through his hair again. “I just..I don’t know, back in high school I was popular, you know? I wasn’t clueless that all these girls wanted to be with me, I mean i was the fucking quarterback. But I don’t know, you grow up with your dad telling you premarital sex is a sin and you’re not exactly jumping into bed with everyone, you know? Kalani and I were..always intimate, she was my first time, yanno? And uh, then Mel and I dated and I really liked being in a relationship, I liked not having to wonder, I liked the security, I wasn’t interested in anyone else. When we broke up I didn’t even want to go out there and hook up with people, I just had Kal and Kal and I found our way you know? And then...then shit got bad when I got injured and then I was out there. Parties, clubs, wherever, making out with whoever until Kalani found out and came back to pull me back to her,” he added with a sad laugh. “So being in this headspace now after years of like not even imagining being close to a woman again it’s..it’s overwhelming. It’s like I’m noticing for the first time in my life the way women look at me, like really look at me, you know? And I want to be smart but I also want to have..fun, that’s not bad, right? If she’s into it and I’m into it then is there any harm in that? I don’t know, I’m an emotional guy, I’ve never denied that.” 

Grace smiled softly as he rambled on about his love life, sounding like a teenage boy who had just discovered his sex drive. “Thank you for that thorough run through of your love life but I’m going to tell you the same thing I just told you, slow the fuck down, Dev. I mean look, get your rocks off, make sure you’re having fun but women are still women and feelings still get all fucked up if you get involved enough so just be careful, okay? And don’t be surprised so many women want you, you’re gorgeous, smart, kind, a little mysterious, they think you’re a bad boy even though you wouldn’t hurt a fly, You have so much to ffer but don’t let anyone throw you off course, okay? Be in love with yourself, the most important thing you can do is ensure that you stay on a safe path. Devon, look at me,” they told him and met his eyes,”You have time, you have time,” they repeated and reached up to pat his cheek lightly. “You have time, don’t rush.”

“Did you say I was gorgeous? Teach are you hitting on me?” He laughed as they swatted as his shoulder and hie felt some of the weight he had been holding leave his chest. He felt himself get a bit emotional when they reminded him that he had time, most days feeling like he might run out of it. He took a deep breath and before he knew it there were tears in his eyes and he was hanging his head as he felt Grace’s hand on his back, tears falling as he pressed his hands to his face. It was unexpected, not even knowing consciously that he had those fears and doubts rising to the surface, that they had put a name to the kind of fear that lived in the pit of his stomach, made him look over his shoulder, made him stand up straighter whenever a cop walked by him or a cop car zipped past his own. “Fuck I..how’d you do that?” He sniffled and wiped quickly at his eyes, a bit overwhelmed by his own reaction. 

“I have that affect on people and also my voice is calming, “they teased and reached up to cup his cheek, offering a soft smile as they tucked some of hair behind his ear the way they would for their own son whenever he got upset, whenever they noticed his hair getting a little too long. “Rebuilding a life isn’t easy. I’m finding that out the hard way right now. I have no fucking idea what I’m doing, a single parent, a divorcee. I hate it. All of it. And most days I find myself wanting to just ask my wife to come back, ask her to just...put this behind us, to move forward. Some days I can’t stand the fucking thought of her. Most days I’m trying to find a healthy balance. I don’t always have the right answers, and I’m figuring it out but I am..determined to do so. For my kids, for myself. Because my life isn’t over,because I dont want to spend the rest of my life in pain. I decide to reclaim my life, to reclaim the power my wife took from you and you have to reclaim your power too, Devon. You are not defined by the time you spent inside. You are defined by the life you’re going to make for yourself now.”

Devon didn’t reply, just turned to Grace and wrapped them up in a hug which they happily responded to, holding him as much as he was holding them. “We;ll be alright,” they mumbled and he nodded, both of them pulling away laughing slightly as they wiped their eyes.