i'm a firm believer of a "food chain" type of system existing within romantic relations, especially in college. but with that comes the acceptance where i stand. in high school, i was firmly at the end of the chain - not the last place, but third to last, maybe. and it fucking sucks. it sucked because i used to keep to my place, not really talk to anyone because i wouldn't have a chance - i was sure of it, and i rarely was wrong. i made my little heartbreak playlists and moved on eventually. it sucked because i couldn't see myself as a romantic being, and felt hopeless most of the time. all the time. but i was used to it.
it sucks now because i found myself suddenly not at the end. suddenly, i don't know what happened, i'm higher on the chain. still not first, i don't think i ever will be. but i'm in the middle, maybe, i don't know. all i know is that, during the second semester of my second year in college, it suddenly changed. i actually had people, guys - and god i hate that the fact that men being attracted to me makes me feel better - try to be with me. never romantically, which makes me feel like absolute shit, but at least it's something. at least i get attention, unless someone higher on the chain wants the same person i do - and they always do.
which brings me to the main point of all this, the reason why i'm losing my mind - or at least feel like i am. for the poor anonimity of this story, (and so my best friends know who this is about) i'll just call him mercutio. cringy, i know, but it makes sense.
from the moment he was introduced to us, our group, whatever, people started talking. "oh but he's so handsome" "oh but he's so hot" "oh but i want to hookup with him." fuck off, he had a girlfriend at the time, you know. of three goddamned years. i knew from that moment that he'd be way closer to the top than i could ever dream of being. so i didn't even consider anything, i wanted to quit while i was ahead - you can't lose a race you're not participating in. and i knew i couldn't handle another loss. so why, tell me, why did i end up with him in my house, making him hot chocolate, listening to music with hime, fucking kissing him. why me?
and why did it happen twice, why did we share my bed like it wasn't the first time. why am i like this? why is he like this? why? what is it that makes this make sense? and why am i so, so, so fucking insecure. why can't i ever be happy for myself. and why can't my friends? not all, but some.
i don't know where i'm going with this, i just wanted to rant.
