So today marks the first day of "Lent", and though I am not Catholic, I feel that now is the right time to begin cleansing my mind and spirit from things that are counterproductive. I've chosen to stay off of certain social media apps, because I was beginning the habit of looking up people who did not want to be found because I am concerned about how they're doing in life. It was becoming enough of a habit that I couldn't put my phone away for too long before wondering if there had been any updates, and I knew that it wasn't going to do me any good. Prayer was the only thing that could help, and I needed to restrain myself because I was harming myself as well. This also marks the beginning of a life of singleness as well, which may not seem like that big a deal, but for the last... shoot almost eight years- I've either chased or been chasing after relationships, not really giving myself time to discover who I - Kaylee - really am. But I've come to see that through these years, I HAVE seen more and more change in my spirit through the many different experiences I've been through. Moving two states away where I knew no one except my boyfriend and trying to survive up there was quite an adventure. Being rescued from homelessness and moving back home made me realize who was really there for me through my foolishness. Breaking off that relationship, only to wander farther from God because I no longer valued the person I was - boy THAT was an eye opener - only to then try that relationship again, claiming God was in it, only to realize it had been a lie just to avoid feeling lonely. We had failed again, and this time, we knew there was no recovery. I handled it badly by seeking out the next man not long after, thinking I was already over it. It broke us both even more than I had expected. Since then, there have been viscious cycles of feeling the painful memories of all the times we had together, the milestones one should have with their spouse. There is a connection still that I cannot explain, the only thing tethering us from a distance. And I hate it for many reasons, namely, he is now married. I despise adultery in every manner, and to be connected in that way to a married man makes me feel tarnished. I want what God deems best for him and his wife, and wish nothing but blessings, because I know my heart. I would never wish his sadness or darkness to resurface, despite what he's told others. I miss his friendship, but not at the sake of his marriage. Thus the circle goes on, where I am here in God's presence, asking everything for others, and nothing for myself except peace, and to know that God will handle the worries I have, even if I never get to see the result. He's putting me through the ropes, which has been long overdue, but I knew it would hurt. Growing pains always are.
