#fourtirs

I also have a big soft spot for Four/Cara. There was chemistry in allegiant and even though I know it’s hard to look past all the fourtris going on. If anything, I think Four and Cara would’ve made really good friends. They relate to each other on a level that is entirely their own and that’s sort of what sparked this for me. 

I didn’t write this with an intention of being a ‘prequel’ to my resurrection series, though it absolutely could be but for now, I am thinking of it as a separate entity. 

Anyways, I talk WAY to much

For anyone who reads this, I sincerely hope you like it ;)

“All You Had to So Was Stay.”

“The more I think about it now/ The less I know/ Let me remind you this was what you wanted/ you ended it/ you were all I wanted but not like this/ hey/ all you had to do was stay/ had me in the palm of your hand/ then/ why’d you have to go and lock me out when I let you in”

The rain is coming down hard on the roof and my amity red t-shirt is almost completely soaked through.

            I should go back to the party.

            I know I should.

            I can still hear the music booming from Christina’s top floor apartment.

            I should go back in there, wish her a happy birthday and try to have a good time with my friends.

            What I shouldn’t do is stand here and think about the way it looked when Tris smiled at me for the first time.

            I shouldn’t stand here and remember what she smelled like, how it felt when she touched my face, when she kissed my lips.

            No.

            I shouldn’t think about any of that.

            But I can’t help it.

            These are the only things I think about.

            The only things my brain will allow.

            Especially lately.

            It is coming up on one year.

            One year since we lost her.

            Since I lost her.

            One year since my entire life spiraled out of control.

            I stare down at my clothes for a moment, reveling in the absurdity of it all.

            I am dressed like the factionless with my red t-shirt and black dauntless pants but as Cara would say, I shouldn’t think like that anymore because the factionless don’t exist.

            Not anymore.  

            Neither do the factions themselves for that matter.

            I squeeze the plastic cup full of amber liquid in my hand for a moment before I raise it to my lips for what feels like the millionth time.

            I let the liquid burn my throat and close my eyes as my esophagus protests the acidic fluid.  

            I should go inside.

            I know I should.

            It’s freezing out here on the roof and the rain doesn’t show any signs of letting up.

            I should go inside.

            There is nothing out here for me.

            Nothing.

            I lift the cup to my lips again and let the liquid burn my throat once more.

            I walk steadily to the edge of the roof, my feet barely on safe ground at this point.

            My whole body reacts to being up this high, nausea fills me instantly, and my knees shake.

I realize that one false move, a trip, and I will be face down on the concrete.

I don’t think I’d survive a fall like that.

Maybe that’s what I want.

            Maybe.

            I stare down at the concrete for a long time, imagining what it would feel like if my body were to make contact with it at top-speed.

            I tilt my head back and let the rain wash over my face for a few moments and take in a deep breath.

            I hold my arms out, balancing easily on the edge of the roof.

            “Well, it’s official. You’ve lost it.”

            I freeze at the all too familiar voice.

            If I am being honest with myself I knew that this would happen.

            It always does when I think about her too much.

            I close my eyes and let the familiar voice wash over me. 

            I turn around slowly and find myself looking at Tris.

She is as beautiful as she was alive, still with that heir of not knowing just how attractive she is.

She’s sitting on the opposite end of the roof, her legs dangling over the edge and swinging.

            I know she isn’t really here.

            It’s impossible for her to be here.

            Tris is dead.

            I saw her body.

            I know it.

            But I let my brain comfort me with false images and the sound of her voice because at this point, it’s all I have left. 

            “I lost it a year ago.” I mumble. “It’s only just showing up now.”

            She turns towards me for a moment, pulling her legs up on the roof and standing up in order to move closer to me.

            “What’s going on Tobias?”

            I shrug a little.

            She moves to the edge of the roof and peers over at the concrete.

            “What are you doing up here? It’s a long way up for someone who’s afraid of heights.”

            I shrug again.

            “Are you going to jump?” She asks, sounding like she doesn’t really believe her own words. 

            “I might.”

            She lifts her shoulders in a shrug.

            “You want to know what I think?”

            “Not really, but I feel like you’re going to tell me anyway.”

            “I think,” She continues, “that you’re using all of this as a big excuse.”

            “An excuse to what?”

            “To stop living your life.”

            I scoff a little.

            “Yeah, well it’s hard to live life without you, Tris.”

            She shrugs again.

            “A lot of things are hard Tobias but we still do them.”

            “Really? Was it hard for you to go off and kill yourself with no regard for the people around you?”

            She sucks in a breath.

            “Harsh.”

            “You deserve it.” I say quietly.

            She lets out a sigh.

            “You know I didn’t do that to hurt you.”

            I turn towards her a little bit and slowly shake my head.

            “Does it really matter what your intent was?”

            She watches me for a moment and then glances back down to the concrete.

            “Tobias, I didn’t want to lea—“

            “—Leave me. Yeah, yeah, I know.”

             She stares at me expectantly.

            I don’t say anything.

            “I don’t deserve you throwing yourself off a roof in my name, Tobias. That isn’t fair to me. Don’t do that. You know I wouldn’t want you to do that.”

            I close my eyes for a moment and suck in a deep breath.

            “I don’t know what you would want, Tris! You aren’t here!”

            “You’re right.” She says quietly. “I’m not.”

            “What am I supposed to live for?” I say, my anger coursing through me quickly like hot acid.

            “You were what I was living for, Tris. You.”

            She shakes her head slowly.

            “So find something else.”

            “Find something else?” I say in disbelief. “Find something else? Just like that? I had plans for us Tris, I—”

            She shrugs, cutting me off quickly.  

            “You weren’t living for me, Tobias. That’s a cop-out. You have so much else to live for right now—“

            “Shut up. Just stop it. Get out of my head.”

            “You don’t mean that.”  She says quietly, a little sadness in her voice.

            “How do you know what I mean?”

            “Because I wouldn’t be here if you wanted me gone. That’s how figments of the imagination work.”

            I move to the edge of the roof again, my toes hanging over the edge.

            Tris sighs behind me.

            “Okay. Fine. Do it. Jump, but I know someone who is going to be pretty upset if you do.”

            I turn my head a little to look at her.

            “Who?”

            By the time the word is out of my mouth, Tris is gone, replaced with a very different blonde.

            Cara.

            She stands with one hand still on the doorknob to the rooftop door, the other holding a plastic cup, no doubt filled with alcohol from Christina’s party.

            She stares at me for a moment, standing on the edge of the roof, half turned towards me.

            She raises her eyebrows.  

            “Who were you talking to?” She says curiously.

            I shake my head quickly.

            “Myself.” I say quietly.

            “You were yelling at yourself?” She says curiously.

            “No I…” I pause for a moment one hand reaching up to scratch the back of my neck.

            She stares at me for a moment and then slowly closes the roof door behind her and takes a few steps towards me.

            The rain soaks her in seconds, her blue dress automatically clinging to her but she stands in front of me regardless.

            “Who were you talking to, Four?” She asks again.

            Her voice is soft and sincere and I want to break down and tell her everything but I can’t.

            What am I supposed to say?

            I was talking to my dead girlfriend?

            That’s crazy.

            She’ll never believe me and if she does she’ll insist that I go and talk to someone, an erudite-doctor-type-someone.

            I don’t need to do that.

            I know Tris isn’t here.

            I know what I’m seeing isn’t real.

            “You’ll think I’m crazy.” I say quietly.

            She shakes her head quickly and crosses hers arms over her chest.

            “Try me.” She says.

            “Tris.” I whisper. “I was talking to Tris.”

            I watch her for a reaction but her face never changes. After a moment or two, she just nods slowly.

            “ Okay.”

            “You think I’m nuts.” I mumble.

            “I don’t think you’re crazy, Four.” She says in a small voice.

            “Then why are you looking at me like that?”

            “Because I’ve been there. You think I haven’t talked to Will? The first couple of months I talked to him all the time and then less and less…and now not at tall.”  

            I stare at her for a moment and then let my gaze fall back to the concrete.

            “I’ve also been standing exactly where you are right now contemplating the exact same thing.”

            I snap my head back to look at her.

            She nods.

            “Come off the ledge and I’ll tell you all about it.”

            I don’t what to move from the ledge.

            It feels good to be standing here, straddling life and death but then Tris’ words filter into my brain.

            “I don’t deserve you throwing yourself off a roof in my name, Tobias. That isn’t fair to me. Don’t do that. You know I wouldn’t want you to do that.”

            I step one foot backwards and then the other before turning towards Cara and moving closer to her slowly.

            She takes me hand and leads me to little overhang by the door and we stand there together, shivering for a few moments.

            “It’s freezing out here.” She mumbles.

            “You tried to jump off a roof?” I question, ignoring her comment.

            “Hm…what? Oh…no…not a roof. I’m from erudite, remember? We like to do a things a little more practically.” She says quietly. “I tried injecting myself with death serum.”

            I open my mouth a little.

            “What?”

            She bites down on her lip and shrugs.

            “…because of Will?”

            She shakes her head hard.

            “No. Will would’ve never wanted that.”

            “Then why?”

            She shrugs.

            “It was hard for me growing up in Erudite. I’m smart but not quite Erudite standards smart. To them, I was…mediocre at best.”

“So why didn’t you just choose another faction when you turned sixteen?”

“Because I still placed in Erudite and defacting in my family wasn’t looked upon so greatly. Will was almost disowned when he left us for dauntless. So I just…I got really good at faking it. Honestly, it was sort of an Erudite trait. Then eventually…I just…hated myself for it. When you fake everything you do how can you ever really be yourself? I hated that I couldn’t just be like everyone else, like my parents. So, I injected myself with what I thought was death serum about a week and a half after Will left for dauntless.”

“What was it really?”

“Peace serum. My parents worked in the labs. We had tons of different serums in the house. I thought I’d done enough research to know which is which, but of course, I didn’t. So instead of the death I wanted, I got a few hours of unsolicited peaceful happiness.”

I crack a tiny smile.

“It helped though?”

“Surprisingly a lot. It gave me time to think about things in my life that did make me happy. Things that I wanted in the future.”

She turns a little to look at me.

“So tell me, why do you want to jump off of a roof?”

I consider answering for a moment and then think the better of it.

“Four. I’m not here to judge you, you can tell me, I understand what you’re going through.”

“You don’t. Not really. You lost a brother. It isn’t the same.”

She nods slowly.

“You’re right. It’s not.” She reaches a hand out touches my chest, right over where my heart would be.

“But the feeling in there…that’s the same.”

I stare at her for a moment and then it all comes tumbling out.

“I feel like there’s nothing left without her. I was…fading fast in dauntless before she came along. I didn’t know what I was doing, where I was going, I was moments away from defacting, becoming factionless and then she came along. She changed my world and now…now…she’s just gone…like she was never really here at all.”

Cara watches me for a moment and then takes in a deep breath.

“I’d give you some bullshit about her living in your memories but that doesn’t really seem fair so I’ll just tell you…that one day it will feel less heavy.”

I shake my head slowly.

“I hate her for leaving me.”

Cara reaches out a hand and squeezes my arm.

“That’s normal. It’s okay to for you to feel that.”

“I just I don’t understand. I told her…she knew…you die, I die too. I told her.”

Cara stares at me for a moment, her mouth opening and closing twice before speaking.

“That’s a lot of pressure to put on someone, Four—“

“All she had to do was stay.”

“Four—“

“That’s it. Just stay with me, but she wasn’t capable of that was she? She wasn’t like the rest of us…she was…beyond this world…she was…” I trail off for a moment.

“She was what?” Cara prompts me.

“The only person that would’ve offered herself up for Caleb.”

Cara touches my arm.

“You need to accept that she was meant to be there. She was meant to do what she did. It had to be her.”

I stare at the ground for a moment and then look up slowly to lock eyes with Cara.

“There’s just so many things I never got to tell her.”

Cara shrugs.

“So tell me.”

“What? No…that’s crazy.”

“So is standing in the rain contemplating jumping off a roof and talking to your dead ex girlfriend.”

“Harsh.”

“Also true.”

I roll my eyes for a moment and then shut them.

What is it that I need to tell her?

“I just didn’t even get to say goodbye.” I say quietly.

Cara nods.

“Okay. So say it now.”

I raise my eyebrows at her.

“What?”

“Say goodbye to her right now.”

It seems silly, useless, but every part of me is aching to do it.

I take a deep breath and face the edge of the roof rather than Cara.

“I wanted you to stay. No, Tris, I needed you to stay but you left. You left and there is…nothing I can do about it. I can’t save you and I hate it. I hate that I wasn’t with you at the end. I hate that you made that decision without me and I miss you. So. Much.”

The words sit in the air between us for a moment and I am quiet.

There is nothing else I can say or need to say.

I take the opportunity to breathe.

Cara is still next to me but she doesn’t speak either.

Eventually, I turn my head to look at her.

“We should get into some dry clothes.” I say quietly.

She nods a little and smiles.

“Absolutely.” She pushes the roof door open and then looks back at me.

“You coming?” She asks curiously.

“Yeah, I’m right behind you.”

She starts her way down the stairs and I turn around one last time, staring off the edge of the rooftop.