#forgiveneverforget

“To be a Christian means to forgive the inexcusable because God has forgiven the inexcusable in you.”  ― C.S. Lewis

For a while I have been getting through life as each day comes. Burying all that is bothering me so deep inside that eventually it just becomes a part of you. A couple of days ago, something I chose to bury resurfaced. All the emotions I felt then, I felt again not as hard but something about knowing someone you care for so much isn’t doing so well gets to you. Guess that’s what just makes me human. I have a tendency to care even for those that have wronged me. I overlook everything that they did to me and in that moment, all I see is the vulnerable person that is standing before me.

A testament of a dreamer for me is not about talking about my love life. When I created this blog, I saw myself writing about the other things in my life that affect me. I was trying to run away from what I was going through in the hopes of feeling better and letting go of the guilt I felt for some things and the pain that was caused to me and the emptiness I felt. On Monday it occurred to me that I somewhat neglected to forgive in order for me to be okay with everything that happened. I, for a long time believed, I needed closure from him to get past what he did and be happy once again. I forgot to forgive. I find myself writing to him with the same zeal I did when it was all roses and chocolate and all things that smell delicious between us. I was high on love and floating on the highest cloud there is in the crack world. He was literally my drug and I was so hooked like he was my oxygen.

I always had a hint of anger and bitterness whenever his name came up. I boiled inside and I had a fierce fire burning inside of me and it was eager to just be unleashed. Then I realised, I need to forgive him in order for me to stop feeling the way I do when his name comes up. Forgiveness is something that never comes easy to anyone. But many times we forget that we are not forgiving for the person but for ourselves. I had to realise that it happened man, nothing would have stopped it from happening. I just had to learn the painful way that it is okay sometimes to feel so much pain, vulnerability and betrayal in order for you to grow as a person. So I am letting go. Not for him and his peace of mind but for me. So I can truly be happy.

A huge part of me still loves him and cares so much about him but ey, I am done being angry about it. I will not forget the experience I went through but I have certainly forgiven him for all he has put me through. We win some and sometimes we lose some. It was never really yours in the first place if you lost it.