12 am thoughts.
I have always thought of EXO every night. I don't know, I would lie through my bed sheets, keeping myself warm with my blanket, and all of the sudden, they would just creep up into my mind. Most of the time I'd think about them, I would always end up crying myself to sleep and I thought, maybe if I could just type and tap it down, I wouldn't end up soaking my pillow. This boys have and will always have their deepest grounds on my heart. They always fill up the gaps in my heart and they can also shatter it. I have always felt mixed emotions when it comes to them. Eversince they started their career, their idol life; their first fansign which contains only 17 appearances... up until their last fansign event in Seoul that made traffic to all the routes connected to the venue, I've always been there for them. Their first live of Mama, the time they got nervous as hell and cracked up alot of times when singing. The heavy breathings can be heard through the mic, the hardwork... I've seen it. And I can say, they deserve all the love they're drowning in right now. They were all so pure back then. So white. So cute. Filial, everything, I love everything about them. They were so happy and I'm so confused with what happened to them. What happened to their brotherhood? Eversince Yifan left, I've been doubting EXO since then. I tried leaving the fandom, though it hurts leaving these kiddos that completes me, I really want to, it's eating me up. I thought they were one, I said. But why did Yifan left? The reasons, I thought their brotherly love was what matter, I thought as long as they're together, everything's gonna be fine, but it wasn't. He left. I hated Yifan. Not too long, Lu Han left as well. I did not cried. But I did not expected it. Coming up, Tao took his leave as well. I doubted Yixing. I tried leaving the fandom. But everyday, all I could see was updates from them. Their pictures, smiles, laughs, and I realized, God knows how I love this group and I'm trashing it up just because somebody left. I tried leaving the fandom because I'm hurt when they were all struggling because they lost their other puzzle pieces: Kris, LuHan, and Tao. And I'm so disappointed with myself not struggling and fighting with them. I gave up on them easily, left them and I realized, being there with them even the best time is a duty of a fan and I failed. I failed just because I prioritized my emotions than them, when they were the one who was experiencing much worse. I realized, I was the one selfish, not Kris, Luhan or Tao. I didn't want them to leave. I wanted them to stay because ot12 is better than ot9 and I forgot about what I said back then that I want them to do what makes them happy; I think this what makes them happy, and I have to let them go. And me? I just have to keep on supporting all of them because they're all important to me. Even if I'm just a mere fan, I would do everything, what it takes to show my warmth and support for them, to fight for them and to be a fan that cherishes her idols' happiness because that's what love is. Love is becoming one even if there's a distance and ocean in between.
