#foreboding joy

03/03

Note before you read this thing, if you ever read it: Now that I think about it, I don’t know if I’m right about all of this. I’m very open to discuss this subject because I feel like maybe I’m missing a point.

Yesterday, I was overwhelmed. And I mean overwhelmed, with fatigue, emotions, and the grand, heavy unknown of life. I felt that familiar, nagging whisper that whatever I’m doing, it’s still not enough.

I actually received some very good news during the day, a life goal achievement that is HUGE. Normally, you’d be ecstatic, jumping around. I wasn't. My brain went directly into "What If" mode, analyzing everything that could go wrong, or worse, everything that could go right. My immediate thought was: How do I handle all of this?

To make matters worse, sometimes the people closest to you don't see the mountain you've just climbed. I told my dad about this massive achievement and his answer was: "Cool."

Cool? Cool, cool, cool, okay. Fuck off. Do I need to go to space for you to be proud of me? Everything unraveled in that second. When you’re already running on empty, a lukewarm reaction feels like a freezing wind.

Yeah, I know. Definitely daddy issues. Only took me 34 years to connect the dots.

The Guilt of "Not Happy Enough" or "Foreboding Joy."

If you’ve ever felt guilty because you "should" be happy about a success but you’re actually just terrified, know this: your brain is practicing what’s called Foreboding Joy. (If i remember what I have learned correctly.) It’s a defense mechanism. When your nervous system is already redlining, joy feels like a threat because it represents change, and change requires energy you don't feel you have. It’s okay to not be "ecstatic" yet. You aren't being ungrateful; you're just protecting your peace.

If you’re feeling "complicated" or "dramatic," know that you aren't. Sometimes, everything just feels like too much, and it’s easy to want to crawl into your own skin. Here is how I adjust the pressure and find my balance again:

Anchor Yourself: Touch something. Anything. The texture of the wall, your sleeve, the cold edge of a glass. Give your brain something real to hold onto. Do this with three things. Describe the sensation to yourself.

The Pressure Hug: If you have someone nearby, ask for a "pressured hug." Have them wrap their arms around you and squeeze tight. It regulates the nervous system and forces your body to relax.

Breathe Cold: Breathe slow and deep. Find a spot where the air is colder (but stay out of the fridge). Visualize the air entering your nose and filling your lungs. Watch your heart rate follow your lead.

The Banshee Release: This is one of my favorites. Put on your headphones and blast your favorite music, for me, it’s Black Metal. Dance in your living room like a banshee. Let the intensity of the music match the intensity of your head. Shake it out and let the movement release everything you’ve been holding in.

Remember that you are not a machine; you are a battery. When a phone is at 1% (like my freaking iPhone 70% of the time, sorry if it gives you anxiety), the most productive thing it can do is sit still and be plugged in. It isn't "failing" at being a phone while it charges; it is ensuring it can function tomorrow. Rest is a productive activity.

This isn't about being bulletproof or "bouncing back." It’s about the stubborn, quiet strength of simply staying. It’s the ability to sit in the dark, feel the weight of the world, and still decide to take one more breath.

Trust me, I want to give up every two days. Before entering a meeting room, when someone is getting on my nerves for being unprofessional, when I go to sleep and feel like I am too tired to even think, or when I feel that my back is stiff as fuck. The urge to sell my flat and my business and move somewhere secluded is strong. With everything happening right now, it’s hard not to think about it. Like... what the actual fuck is going on?

My final advice would be: don’t fight the current. If you can’t swim, float. The sea will eventually carry you back to the shore. Fighting something stronger than you will only exhaust you, and exhaustion is what makes people drown.

Not everything can be controlled. Not everything requires strength. Even statues crumble.

I have a practice of once every year or so revising Brene’ Brown’s Power of Vulnerability. Her research into wholeheartedness aligns closely with my coaching practice and how I try to live my life. THIS time through the phrase foreboding joy caught my attention.

We have all experienced as sense of foreboding. Waiting for the test result to come back. Heading into the meeting for your annual…

SAGITTARIUS

Magic Words: Carnality is the gateway to creativity.

Purpose: 2017 was a year of breakdowns and breakthroughs for you, wild pony. And now you’re assimilating the medicine and powering back up for the next adventure. With Uranus igniting your zone of daily habits from May to November, there’s a sweetness to your process and you don’t have to go full throttle towards the big picture just yet. Simply take it one step at a time and keep on managing your micromovements down here on Earth, complete with supportive snacks and self-care rituals. There are big things unfolding for you right now, and all you have to do is stay out of the way and let them on through.

Passion: With Saturn settling into your body worth zone, this is the year to discover exactly what it will take to feel gorgeous from the inside out. You may be questioning your urges and instincts, and it’s time to drop out of your head and into the lower chakras. Practice making decisions based on body sensations rather than cerebral musings. As Venus retrogrades through your zone of buried dreams in the Fall, all of this solid body building will help you surrender to a lover completely.

Healing: As Chiron dips into your house of passionate play, tender spots around not being able to trust in the present moment are activated. Where do you feel like life isn’t on your side? Do you think that if you truly embrace the joy, you’ll just be waiting for the emptiness to follow it? How can you feel into the “now” and know that the more you are willing to snack on the sweet, the more honey will reign down?

I’m all crushed out, you guys. Too crushed out to write about it yet, even! Blush.

I’m also feeling pangs of this super-irritating fear, one I realize these days that I’ve carried with me for years and years up to this point—that fear that the other shoe has yet to drop (and that it will, unquestionably, drop) and that I should keep myself from getting too excited about things here in preparation for that. “Foreboding joy,” I think Brené Brown calls it. I’m kind of trying to tell that fear to fuck off, frankly, because that’s no way to live and whatever shoes do or don’t drop, here or anywhere, I know my heart and I know its strength and I know its resilience, so fuck dropping shoes. They are no match for my heart.