#for blacklists

like ive been on it like for EVER .. like i was 13-14?? when i got on it and i’ve pretty much been taking it since, only a couple periods where i didn’t take it bc i was trialing something else or had run out or whatever. and now at 21 i finally asked my psych to get on non-ssri non-antipsychotic medication’s just bc i had. a Hunch that the ssri was fucking me up, idr what like observations led to that hunch, but its not rly what i’m talking about.

im now on 5mg as of about a week ago, after having gone down to 10mg for the last 3 months. im still on an antidepressant and an anxiolytic, but they’re not ssris or antipsychotics and i feel like i can function again in ways i haven’t for years and years

like part of my dysfunction was environmental ofc like i was never raised to be stable and functional + the tism + the glect , but i’ve been. cleaning. and keeping up with projects. and decorating, and for the first time since even before the lexapro, im dealing with FAR less suicidal ideation and thoughts. not even passive. the only times i’ve been feeling that are flashbacks to it.

i just feel like i found the end of the dense taiga and now im finally in the plains once more, to use a minecraft example for some reason. i have reasons and a real vision for my near future, and even plans to build a far future. i feel clearer, i can read again, im interested in activities and im slowly defrosting from the prolonged anhedonia.

keyword slowly, im only just starting to open my eyes, i don’t think lexapro caused all my problems ykwim ? i still struggle but i just feel more able to really cope and be assertive and engaged, at least more of the time than before.

What brought you to this spectacular dumpsterfire?

What are your personal 3 takes from the show thus far?

i have watched season 2, episode 5 of the titans! i decided to watch it finally for a combination of chella man as joey, and the promise of an interesting kory+komand'r storyline. my dick grayson blorbo goggles are huge and present though.

3 takes so far:

1. i love getting to see bruce from dick's pov. like he's barely been in any scenes so far! but dick talks about him--in one episode dick, about bruce, said this quote from machiavelli about doling out punishment all at once but reward drop by drop. things like that are very interesting. this is definitely a Non-Comic-Canon version of bruce and dick, but i enjoy seeing a version that acknowledges that bruce's toxic parenting may affect his children in negative ways lol. it seems so far that there is a lot of the emotional neglect/parentification(bruce using dick, since he was a child, as a confidante and relying on him for emotional comfort) from canon, along with some really kind of bizarre things (see: the secret tracker, and what i've heard about dick having to fight wolves?? alsjdf). i don't really expect the show to create a full, compelling story arc with these themes, but i enjoy seeing the themes and being able to think about them.

2. my favorite episode so far was the first half of the hawk&dove backstory episode (up until, but not including, the freak accident that killed hank's brother and dawn's mother). i want that episode expanded into a half-season arc of the Hawk&Dove Show ideally.