#titans 2018

*sees that Bruce and Dick are the same age in the Absolute Universe*

dick spends the whole episode hallucinating bruce who alternates between being his conscience, his judge, and his source of comfort

when dick finds jason furiously training to stave off the trauma of almost dying, bruce-as-dick's-hallucination hilariously remarks "more people should drop their problem children off buildings. it clarifies the mind and body"

hallucination!bruce drops banger after banger: "it's nothing to worry about kids. just a mild psychic split. anybody need anything? milk? eggs? body bags?"

rose wilson has the weirdest dance scene to the weeknd's party monster playing off a record playing for some reason, where she tells jason "dancing is just like fighting. without the blood" jason immediately kisses her

meanwhile two cadmus employees have this conversation verbatim: employee #1: "i swear to god, bald is sexy" employee #2: "you will literally do anything for a promotion, won't you?"

within like a week of being at titans tower, rose has adequately identified their problem "god, what is up with everyone here anyways? you people need some kind of super shrink to deal with all your problems"

batusi

dick walking in on wintergreen naked in a bathtub

dick downs a random drink that a stripper handed to him before shooting at wintergreen and telling him "next one's in the stomach" if he doesn't tell dick where slade is

wintergreen also accurately identifies how crazy this sladick show dynamic: "i'm not sure which one's crazier. you or him"

kory with the most stunning smile when dr. eve says that to heal conner's kryptonite poisoning, they would need to bring the sun here

ravenkory combining their powers to save conner <3

also conner is naked and has a superman symbol tattooed on his arm. this is not relevant to the plot but it is important to the visuals

the climax of the episode is set in a literal church where dick and his hallucination of bruce talk about guilt, forgiveness, and atonement

the above includes the most devastating face caress from bruce after dick, nearly in tears, looks up at him like a child saying "it's too hard"

meanwhile, the b-plot is the titans at the tower being taunted by their personal demons from the past that all of them automatically assume is jason lashing out

jason responds to these accusations by saying "you people are insane. i'd rather be with deathstroke than you assholes"

subtlety is not something this show believes in

the episode's denouement: jason trying to commit suicide by trying to fall of a building (because the first time was obviously clarifying. left an impact, you know)

cue jason's monologue: "i'm poison and death follows me around a curse" to which dick — staring his hallucination of bruce right in the face — replies: "nothing's following you"

once again, subtlety is for lesser people because dick talks jason out of jumping by telling him that the poison isn't him, it's dick

Bath Time!!

The frantic patter of bare feet on polished hardwood echoed through the cavernous halls of Wayne Manor. I glanced at Dick, a matching grin of pure mischief on his face as we clutched our prize—Jason's uniform, boots, and all—tight to our chests. We were a blur of motion, darting past suits of armor that seemed to watch our chaotic flight with stoic disapproval.

"Get back here, you thieving little bastards!" Jason's furious roar reverberated from behind us, closer than I would have liked.

I risked a look back. Sure enough, there he was. A stark naked, thoroughly pissed-off Jason Todd, all teenage fury and flushed skin, thundering after us. His bare feet slapped against the floor with determined, vengeful rhythm.

"Keep running!" Dick wheezed, laughing so hard he almost tripped over an antique rug. "He's gaining!"

We put on a burst of speed, skidding around the corner into the main foyer, our destination—the grand staircase—agonizingly close. Freedom and the satisfaction of our prank were just seconds away.

That's when we saw him.

Standing like an immovable object at the base of the stairs was Bruce. He wasn't in the Batsuit, just a simple dark sweater and slacks, but he might as well have been a brick wall for all the chance Jason had of getting past him. He had his arms crossed, one eyebrow arched in that patented expression of Bat-disapproval that could wilt flowers and intimidate supervillains.

Jason, seeing his chance of catching us vanish, tried to swerve at the last second. It was a futile effort. Bruce moved with the effortless speed that always defied his size, one arm shooting out to hook around Jason's waist. In one smooth, fluid motion, he hoisted the squirming, naked, and now utterly bewildered teen over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes.

Jason's yelp of surprise was cut off as he was unceremoniously draped face-down over Bruce's broad shoulder. His legs kicked uselessly in the air.

"Bruce! Put me down! They have my—" Jason started.

Bruce adjusted his grip, giving Jason's bare backside a firm pat that was more disciplinary than comforting. "Hold still." He said, his voice a low rumble of calm authority. "You're tracking dirt all over the floor, and you're in desperate need of a bath."

Dick and I had skidded to a halt, doubled over with laughter. Tears streamed down my face as I watched the spectacle. The mighty Robin, reduced to a squirming, naked captive over his father's shoulder.

Bruce turned his head, his eyes finding ours. A slow, dangerous smirk spread across his face. It was the kind of smirk that promised retribution.

"And after Jason's done." He said, his voice laced with chillingly sweet amusement. "It’s your turn. With Alfred."

The laughter died in my throat. I felt the blood drain from my face as I exchanged a wide-eyed look of pure horror with Dick. The cackling stopped. The humor of the situation evaporated, replaced by a cold, creeping dread.

Alfred.

Not just a bath. ‘An Alfred bath’. We both knew exactly what that meant. Water heated to a temperature just shy of boiling. Scrubbing so vigorously it felt like he was trying to remove a layer of skin. The meticulous, unyielding lecture that accompanied it about hygiene, responsibility, and the proper care of Wayne Manor's floors.

Bruce's smirk widened as he saw our reaction. He turned and began his steady ascent up the grand staircase, carrying his still-protesting cargo. Jason's muffled complaints faded as they disappeared down the hallway.

Dick and I stood frozen in the middle of the foyer, Jason's clothes clutched limply in our hands. The victory felt hollow now, tainted by the impending doom of an Alfred-administered scrubbing.

"He wouldn't." Dick whispered, his voice barely audible.

"He would." I replied, my own voice just as shaky. "He definitely would."

[Description: The video shows Dick Grayson and Bruce Wayne in a scene from Titans 2018, Dick in his car, Bruce walking over from Wayne Manor. Bruce looks pleased while Dick appears almost overwhelmed at first when seeing Bruce. Finally, he returns Bruce’s smile if a bit strained]