#float down

     You're not surprised to find him sitting by your desk when you get there. The only other person insane enough to already be up and thinking about his life is Namjoon, and as usual he is already in the library. Without fail, he's always in the library when you are, either studying, tutoring, or waiting to talk to the director of subject tutoring as he must be doing now since he's waiting at your desk. If there's anyone who isn't letting a moment go by without ceasing it, it's Namjoon. You often wonder what that's like. You think you should ask him, but you never do.

     "Good morning," you said, slipping your backpack off of your shoulders and sitting behind the desk. You clock in as Namjoon echoes your greeting back to you.

     "Meeting with Dean?" you asked, looking up at him long enough to catch his nod of affirmation.

     "He always gets mad at me for scheduling meetings this early in the morning but it's the only free time I have."

     "Have you considered not doing everything?"

     "Ah," Namjoon said laughing a little. "Not doing all the things? I wasn't aware that was even possible."

     "You should try slacking off like the rest of us, it's been working okay for the centuries this institution has stood."

     "'Slacking off,' says the girl here in the library with me on a Friday morning."

     "I'm getting paid to basically do my homework," you shrugged, pulling out your planner. "The illusion of being busy with all the lack of responsibility I like."

     "Modesty," he said, looking past you as Dean's office opened behind you. "You should take the credit you deserve sometimes."

     You don't respond as he walks past you into Dean's office, mostly because you're not sure how to. Maybe he was right about taking credit for things, as you can't even find it in yourself to agree with him. Then again, he was wrong. You were basically getting paid to do your homework. The rest of the building was lifeless as Dean closed his office door. It was just you, your homework, and your supervisor whenever she decided to show up today. Everyone in the academic office took it upon themselves to come in whenever the wanted on Fridays. No one ever came looking for them early in the morning after Thirsty Thursday's anyways.

     It was what you liked most about this job, it was stress-free and gave you your own paid study hall. That and you got free printing for technically working for the library.

     Your uneventful work day, leads to an uneventful afternoon class, that has you getting home at 6:00pm like ever other Friday, and as usual you want nothing more than to crawl into bed and hibernate for the weekend.

     However, as always your roommate Dami has other plans.

     "Jackson's having a party at his and we're going," she said as soon as you opened the door to your shared apartment.

     "Let the record state that I never got asked if I had plans," you said, setting your backpack down on the kitchen table.

     "Let the record state," Mia said, sitting up on the couch so that she could see you, "that you never have plans with anyone besides us anyways."

     "The jury should note that I'm offended," you said, mock gasping as you fell onto the couch beside Mia. "You're supposed to band together with me in introvertedness against the great extroverted one," you said pointing to Dami.

     "I want to get twisted," she responded, sticking her tongue out at you and laughing.

     "I work," you whined. "I'm a single mother of two," you said motioning between your friends.

     Dami leaned towards you, excitement on her face. "All the more reason to come out with us tonight."

     "Like that one Melissa McCarthy movie," Mia said.

     "Are you comparing to a recently divorced middle-aged woman?"

     "You started it," Mia said, holding her hands up in defense.

     Hours later you find yourself stuffed into a skirt that just barely fits, but makes your ass look good, and Dami's handiwork on your face, which always makes you look unlike yourself but in a good way you think. Not that you normally is bad, it's just not something that makes people stop and comment. You prefer it that way.

     Dami's boyfriend, Jackson, almost never goes to frat parties. It's why he rents the off-campus house he and some of his friends live in. He's always been anti-fraternity, something to do with his brother and hazing, so his place has always been the go-to for those who don't want to deal with greek life. You've always preferred his place to the other's Dami drags you. You could feel comfortable in any room at his house, no short dress or boob shirt required.

     For those less cultured or male in the audience, a boob shirt is like a regular shirt, but it shows off your boobs.

     Unless of course, it was a night like tonight, where Dami insisted on dressing you like one her dolls. You might not need the shirt skirt, but you certainly were wearing it.

     Truly the best part of Dami's boyfriend's place was the used-to-be stray cat that now lives there.

     Mary Jane.

     She was a simple woman, bring her food, and you could pet her. Bring a treat? You might as well take her home with you, because you're her new best friend.

     So you do the rounds, following Dami and Mia around the party and saying hi to your mutual friends, but you always keep in mind that you know exactly where Jackson keeps the cat treats. When you pass by the kitchen the first time, you resist the urge to go grab them, because it's too early and Dami and Mia will absolutely call you out on ignoring everyone.

     But that's exactly what you want to do, so 30 minutes later when you pass by again, you turn into the kitchen, grab the treats from the top shelf of the cabinet on the right, and make your way upstairs.

     You'd already scouted the downstairs as you walked through the party and Mary Jane was no where to be seen. Not surprising, she usually didn't like to be around the large crowd of people.

     You finally find her at the end of the upstairs hallway, in one of the other housemates rooms. You hesitate for a moment, because it's not Jackson's and it's not Mark's, the only other room you've been invited into to for the sole purpose of playing Mario Kart a few weeks ago.

     You decide to head inside anyways, and ask for forgiveness instead of permission, because the promise of solitude and cat cuddles is more than enough to push aside your inhibitions.

     She hesitates at first, but after you present the bag of treats to her she's hooked. She purrs with delight as you feed her the treats and comes to rest on your lap as you sit on the floor leaned up against the foot of the bed. Alcohol has always had a specific sleep-inducing effect on you, and you can feel it happening as your eyes feel heavy and close just as the door to the room opens.

     It takes a moment for you to turn and see who has come to potentially kick you out, but your eyes go wide as you realize who it is.

     "Oh," Namjoon said as you looked at each other.

     "Cat," you said pointing at Mary Jane.

     "You think that argument will hold up in court?" he asked walking further into the room.

    "I might need a few more words, but I have proof," you said holding up the bag of treats, causing Mary Jane to jump from your lap towards them, scratching your leg as she does so.

     You curse as your hand moves to the wound, looking down at the surface level scratches she's caused.

     "Oh my god, are you okay?" Namjoon asked, moving quickly to your side.

     "Yeah," you assured him quickly. "It's not even bleeding that much."

    "That much," he echoed with wide eyes. "Here let me get you a band-aid or something."

     You watched silently as he stood up and left the room, your heart doing this weird flippy-thing you couldn't describe. You knew Namjoon and nothing about him offering to help you was surprising.

    That was the thing about Namjoon. He was kind of perfect. You knew from your own job that he worked harder than anyone else you knew. He was handsome and kind and he smiled at you like you mattered.

     You didn't give into any delusions that he would like you back. He could have literally anyone.

    Once he walked back into the room, a band-aid in hand, you've managed to convince your heart to calm down. Namjoon was nice to everyone. He would get a band-aid for anyone.

     "She doesn't know her own strength," he joked, as he also handed you a cotton ball. "Peroxide," he answered, before you could ask.

    He sort of awkwardly, looks at the scratches on your thigh, before clearing his throat, and moving to sit beside you on the floor. Once you finish cleaning the area and applying the bandage, you look up at him. He's been watching your work, offering a small smile as his eyes meet yours.

     "I was just going to watch a movie and drink alone," he said, reaching over into the fridge by his bed and pulling out two beers. "You could join me if you wanted to."

     "Oh, I don't want to barge in," you said, shaking your head and moving to stand.

     "You already did that," he laughs, handing the beer to you. "Seriously, neither of us want to be at the actual party, but drinking alone seems sad."

     "Are you sure?" you asked, still not sitting down all the way.

     He looked back at you, his same kind smile making your knees a little weak. "Definitely."

     "Okay," you said, sitting down and twisting the top off of the beer.

     "Great," he said, moving grabbing the remote off of the TV stand. "How do you feel about the Nightmare Before Christmas?"

     "I feel great about it," you responded, just as Mary Jane came walking back to you.

     Namjoon laughed as she curled up into your lap again. She almost seems apologetic as she avoids the bandaged area.

     And as the two of you sit in silence, drinking and watching the movie together, you can't help but think about how nice it all is. How you wouldn't mind doing this more often. How Namjoon makes the party seem so far yet at the same time right here as just the two of you.

     College often feels like living from one weekend to the next. The weeks blend together as the two days you have off move too quickly.

    You get to skip the parties the following weekend, but only because the three of you have plans to go the pumpkin patch. Dami planned it at the beginning of the year, specifically for her three best girls and her best boy.

     Jackson pretend to hate when she called him that.

     However, at some point it became a roommate outing, meaning Jackson's roommates also tagged along. Which means that Namjoon was there as well.

     It's becoming increasingly normal to see him, but something about your time together last weekend has you feeling butterflies in your chest as you see him walk over with Jackson and Mark.

    Somehow you manage to fall into step with him like a normal person, as your friends walk ahead of you, goofing off together.

    "How was your math test?" Namjoon asked, to which you had to maintain your composure and not freak out a little because he remembered you had a test after he saw you studying in the library.

     "Good," you said, nodding your head while you mentally screamed. "It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be."

    "That's always good," he said, nodding his head as well.

     Dami yells something about the corn maze as she motions for everyone to follow her and heads into it.

     You and Namjoon share a look before following after your friends. You can hear them ahead of you laughing and carrying on, but you make no effort to catch up. You notice that Namjoon doesn't either.

     "Do you like fall?" he asked, as you turned left down a path that seemed promising. "Like do you enjoy things like this."

     "Yeah," you said, coming to stop at another intersection. "I mostly like that I'm not sweating all of the time now and the world is prettier."

    "Yeah," Namjoon said motioning for you to go right. "I mean it's pretty messed up that we think trees are prettier when they're dying, but I get it."

     "The trees aren't dying, they're just sleeping."

     "Sleeping," he laughs, as you come to another intersection. "I've never head anyone put it like that."

     "If they died they wouldn't get new leaves in the Spring."

     "Just a flesh wound then," he added.

    "You like Monty Python?" you asked, following him as he took the path straight ahead of you two.

     "Yeah, I mean, that's the only movie of their's I've seen, but I liked it," Namjoon stopped at yet another intersection, looking both ways and then at you. "They get points for actually making it hard," he laughed, motioning for you to follow him as he turns right down a new path.

     You feel a sense of freedom as the two of you finally stumble out of the maze. Dami and Jackson laugh as you practically run to catch up with your friends.

     "I thought we were goners," you said, dramatically as Dami threw an arm over your shoulders.

     "Two of the smartest people i know and they can't get out of a corn maze," Dami laughs, pulling you into her side. "Come on, let's get cider and donuts before picking out our children."

     "Pumpkins," Jackson says, running to catch up with the two of you as you walk towards the concessions stand. "We're getting pumpkins, not children."

     "Men," Dami said, rolling her eyes. "Always afraid of commitment."

     "Not Namjoon," Mark said, earning a punch in the arm from his friend. "He was like this close to proposing to his girlfriend last year."

     "Awh, Namjoon," Dami said. "That's sweet."

     "Tell them what you wanted to be when you grew up," Mark said causing Namjoon to stare back at him blankly.

     "Far away from you, sounds good now."

     "I'm just kidding man," he said as you all finally made it to the food truck and began ordering.

     Namjoon looks far away as the group sits down at a picnic table and starts to eat. As everyone talks and laughs together, Namjoon's heart doesn't seem in it. You don't know why you care, it's like no one else in the group does, but you can't stop watching him, wondering if you should say something.

     You don't, and by the time all of you get in the back of the truck to go pick your pumpkins, Namjoon seems back to his regular self.

     "A boy and a girl," Dami said as she and Jackson held up two of the largest pumpkins in the patch. "What should we name them baby?" she teases as Jackson shakes his head and begins to walk away from her.

     "Gourdon and Autumn," you offer, earning a squeal from you friend.

     "Your mind is so powerful," she said as she sat her pumpkin down.

     "There's no way you guys are getting those back to the tractor," Mia says as she watches Jackson struggle to carry both of them after Dami dumped Autumn or maybe it was Gourdon off on him as well.

     "I can handle it," he grunted, earning a cheer of support from Dami.

     You have no trouble at all walking back to the tractor, as you hold in your hands one of the smaller pumpkins. Small enough to fit on your desk, though a part of you knew Dami would want them out in the common space of your apartment all together. You want it there so you can look at it while you do your work. A reminder that school might suck but Fall certainly doesn't.

     Namjoon must think something similar as he sits down next to you on a hay bale in the back of the wagon being pulled by the tractor.

     "You know it's pay by the pound, right?" Namjoon said as he took in the sheer size of Jackson and Dami's pumpkins, which the former did manage to get into the back of the wagon.

     "It's what?" Jackson said, his face falling in disbelief as Dami leaned over and kissed him on the cheek.

     "I love you, baby," she said, patting the pumpkin in her lap.

     "I love you too," Jackson sighed, shaking his head.

     You tried hard to hold in your laughter as the look on Dami's face confirmed your suspicions. She hadn't been talking to Jackson. Namjoon shook silently besides you as well, shooting a knowing glance your way, meant only for the two of you.

     Despite the rush of school, time also seems to move slower somehow. Everyone seems to stop and look up and realize the leaves are falling. Or maybe that's just you as you walk to work the following Monday.

     It should be a crime to work open on Monday. It was specifically cruel and unusual punishment for a procrastinator like you that obviously waited until the last moment Sunday night to finish your work.

     You're not sure who in their right mind would want to be at the academic center this early on a Monday anyways.

     Your hypothetical is answered as you see Namjoon sitting across from your desk once you walk into the library.

     "Have you heard of sleep?" you asked, as you took your backpack off and sat down.

     "Sleep?" he mused, looking up at the ceiling. "I haven't heard that name in years," he continued, pretending to smoke a cigarette.

     "Sleep and I are in a meaningful, long-term relationship," you laughed, as you confirmed that Dean wasn't in yet for his meeting with Namjoon.

     Of course he's late. Of course you don't mind. Though you do envy him a little bit. You like seeing Namjoon, but as previously stated. You've been loving sleep for longer than this little crush you have.

    "How's your pumpkin doing?" he asked, breaking the momentary silence that had fallen between the two of you.

    "Happy, healthy, living in a loving and warm environment," you said, pulling out your phone to show him a picture of the gourd sitting on your desk. You and your friends had a carving party the night before, and your's now had a smiling face to confirm your previous statement of happiness.

    "You did a good job," he said, handing your phone back to you. "Mine will remain uncarved for the aesthetic," he said. "And by the aesthetic I mean the total lack of artistic talent I have and my inability to wield a knife without injuring myself or others."

    You laughed as he winced at his own words. It was endearing to image Namjoon hopelessly trying to put a face on his pumpkin.

    "Seriously," he continued. "I barely wanted to get the pumpkin, but it seemed to be the only reason to actually go to a pumpkin patch."

    "Well don't forget the impossibly hard maze and the apple cider," you said, smiling wide.

    "And the company," he added, looking somehow deeper into your eyes. It made you feel vulnerable in front of him, so you quickly busied yourself with something on your desk to look away.

    "Namjoon," Dean said as he approached the academic center. "Sorry, I'm late."

    "It's okay," Namjoon said, standing up to greet his boss. "I'm getting used to it."

    "Don't say that too loud," Dean laughed, clapping Namjoon on the back. "I'll be out of work if anyone important hears."

    Namjoon looked at you as the two of them walked into his office, and you couldn't be sure, but it seemed to say you had heard it and you were important. Then again, Namjoon always had a way of making people feel important. It was probably just your imagination.

   "No cats at this house," Namjoon said as you followed Dami into the kitchen.

    You found yourself yet again dragged out by your friends to the latest party, this one at a fraternity this time. You were content to stick to their side all night until you finally got the liquid courage to branch out. Now, however, you figured there was someone else you might want to stick with for the night. He had a way of doing that. Of making you want to orbit him like he was the sun.

     "Are you calling her a cat?" Dami asked, pushing you lightly behind her back as if she was trying to protect you.

     "No," Namjoon quickly said, rubbing the back of his neck. "I just meant Mary Jane."

     "You want to smoke?" Someone you didn't know spoke up, motioning down the hall. "Brad's room."

     "No, the cat," he said, not looking in that guy's direction his focus completely on you.

    "I got it," you said laughing and giving him a thumbs up.

    Namjoon was like that, he could make a situation that would make you want the ground to open up and swallow you whole seem outright adorable. As he looked back at you, you could almost believe he meant for that confusion to happen. He was so sure of himself; you wished you could be the same.

    "I could smoke," Dami said, turning to you and Mia.

    "I could sit beside you while you smoke," Mia said with a shrug, turning to you.

    "I could not think of anything less inviting," you said, earning a laugh from Namjoon.

    "I could take her off your hands," he said to Dami, who raised an eyebrow at him, before giving you the same skeptical look.

    "Oh," she said, face breaking into a smile. "That would be so very kind of you, Namjoon," she said, pushing you towards him, causing you to stumble awkwardly.

    Namjoon's hands shot up as if he was ready to catch you. You tried not to think about how it made your heart dance.

    "We'll meet up with you later," Mia called to you as her and Dami quickly made their way out of the Kitchen and down the hall.

     You and Namjoon say nothing, as the party sounds around you, the two of you standing far enough a part to seem like you might not even be talking to each other. Well the distance between you and the sheer lack of talking. It was as if the two of you no longer remembered how to behave like normal humans as soon as your friends disappeared. Maybe you did. Maybe that's why you had wanted to stay with them all night.

    "You want to get some air?" Namjoon asked, finally breaking the silence and the tension between the two of you.

    There must be some part of your brain dedicated to the silence because you only nod your head in response. Namjoon must not mind, or at least you hope he doesn't, because he smiles in response and motions for you to follow him out the door in the kitchen to the patio behind the house. You're the only two crazy enough to go outside in the chill of the night, but you don't mind it after the absolute furnace that results from a mass of college kids trying to fit in one house.

    "I like these parties in theory," Namjoon said, as the two of you sat on the steps of the patio. "The extrovert in me is like 'yay people' and then I get here and realize I don't want to dance, I'm horrible at pong, and talking is nearly impossible."

    "I don't even really like them in theory," you said, laughing a little. "But I do want to be a good upstanding member of this college community, and my friends like to go out."

    "I kind of figured after I found you breaking and entering," he laughed.

    "I cannot be held responsible for what happens when I find a cat," you said, holding your hands up in surrender.

    "It's okay," he said, his eyes seeming to reflect the stars as he smiled at you. "I'm glad you broke in to my room."

    "See Namjoon," you said, looking away so that you didn't melt right then and there. "It's that type of naivety that's going to allow me to rob you in the near future."

    "Go ahead," he said, laughing loudly. "Enjoy the $20 in my bank account."

    You shook your head in disbelief as you looked back up at him. "Never mind. Next time I break into your room, I'll leave behind $10. Don't spend it all at once."

    "I've tried to convince Jackson that our house should have a philanthropy like all of the fraternities. It's called the Kim Namjoon fund and it will help this poor college boy realize his dreams or finally ordering something other than the value menu at McDonald's."

    "Hold your horses," you said, looking at him seriously. "Don't set your sights too high, Namjoon. You only be disappointed when you can't reach them."

    Namjoon laughs heartily beside you, just as a strong breeze sends a chill down your spine. You weren't exactly dressed to be spending long periods of time outside.

    "Oh my god," he said, taking his bomber jacket off. "My mom would be so ashamed of me," he said holding the jacket out towards you. "Please, put this on."

    You consider turning it down, why should he get cold instead of you? But as you look at his long sleeve shirt that he had on under the jacket, you decide you really have no other choice than to take it because a) his mom would be ashamed of him otherwise and b) Cardi B is a liar, hoes absolutely do get cold.

    "Thank you so much," you said as you quickly put the jacket on, your body instantly feeling relief as you were covered from the elements.

    "Of course," he said, smiling as he leaned back against the patio. "We could also head inside if you want."

      "No," you said, a little too quickly. "I like being away from it all."

      "Me too," he said, nodding his head as he looked up at the sky. "Do you ever look up at the stars and think about how we're a part of all that?"

     "No," you said looking up, "but you're right. How does that make me fell small and important all at once?"

    Namjoon chuckled as you felt him turn to look at you. "Just because something is small doesn't mean it isn't important."

    "That's what he said," you said, your straight face breaking into a small smile as Namjoon laughed loudly beside you.

    "I was making a deep and meaningful statement," he said, smiling widely as you turned to look at him.

    "Yeah," you said smiling back. "Just because I made a dick joke doesn't mean it wasn't meaningful? Small dick slander has got to end."

    "Rights for small dicks," he agreed, as he turned to look back at the stars, the smile on his face never leaving.

   You watched him instead, thinking that you might risk hypothermia just to see the way he examined the world. He was right, you thought. Namjoon might just be one of billions of people in a galaxy bigger than you could ever conceptualize, but he was important. He was like lightening in a bottle, the kind of person that only happened ever so often, and you thought that maybe you were important too, since the universe gave you these moments with him.

    You knew just as you admired him admiring the stars that he would be burned in your brain forever. You'd see him on the news someday, having made the world a better place, and you would tell your hypothetical kids, or your hypothetical cats, whichever outcome was more realistic, that you knew him. That one night you got to look at the stars together and consider your place in the universe.

   And that you knew none of it really mattered as long as right here and now your place in the universe was right beside him.

    Hours later as you and Namjoon catch the bus home, you almost feel your heart missing him already. You don't talk as you sit side by side, but you don't feel the same tension from earlier. You feel at ease beside him, a type of peace that could only come from seeing the stars inside of each other.

    And when he asks you if you want to study at the Starbucks on campus the next day, you feel your heart dance with glee at seeing him again. At meeting each other star to star again.

    You say yes, because there's really no other option. You wonder if his gravity will ever stop pulling you in. You wonder if you want it to. You know that you don't.

    He's a fucking literature student.

    It's not fair, he shouldn't be allowed to sit in the cafe with his worn book and coffee, with his glasses slightly fallen down on his nose. But yet, he just gets to do that, sitting across from you with the most insane amount of gravity you've ever experienced in his presence.

    You try to focus on your articles, you really do, but you keep having to reread paragraphs as his very existence keeps distracting you.

    You think its really unfair that he showed up late, meaning you really had no chance to compose yourself as he just waltzed in with his hair tousled and his oversized denim jacket like has no clue how good he looks.

    Your only solace is that you weren't actively drinking your coffee when he sat down or your surely would have choked and embarrassed yourself.

    He probably knows the Hiemlich and would have saved your life, causing one of the cute baristas to thank him for saving your life, and they would fall in love and live their perfect life.

    You hate this hypothetical barista. You kind of hate Namjoon for making you feel this way. You also most certainly do not.

    "Have you ever read a book and just internally screamed at how stupid the characters are being?"

     You think that right now you're screaming at yourself for the same thing.

    "Yeah," you said, looking up from your article. "I hate when authors make girls act emotionally instead of logically. Like I'm supposed to believe the female leader of a revolution would let her feelings jeopardize the movement?"

    "Isn't that just human of her?"

    You shrugged, taking a sip of your coffee. "I guess I just have the sort of mentality where if something needs to get done you have to do it. Like if I was in the zombie apocalypse, right? I wouldn't just sit around and hope things worked out. But that's always how female characters are written. The boys go out and fight the zombies and the girls help everyone else remember humanity. And then they die to make the male character realize something."

    "That's called fridging," Namjoon said, nodding his head. "It's when a female character only serves the purpose of dying so that the male character avenges her."

    "Whatever it's called, it drives me up a wall."

    "Me too," he agreed, looking back down at his book.

     You each go back to your school work, though Namjoon seems to be fairing better than you. Probably has something to do with the inability to be distracted by himself.

    As you reach for your coffee, Namjoon reaches for his own, and for the briefest moment, your hands touch. You quickly move your hand away, and try not to notice the way Namjoon smiles to himself as he goes back to his book.

    You spend the rest of your time together wondering what might have happened if you hadn't pulled away. If maybe Namjoon wanted to hold your hand just as badly as you wanted to hold his.

     "No," Dami said, as you tried to sneak down the hallway to your room. "Absolutely not. You are going to watch this movie with us."

     "Mia," you whined, as your other friend walked by you towards the couch.

     "You can leave after the movie," she said, smiling as she sat down by Dami.

     "The two of you want me to be perpetually exhausted by social interaction."

     "Better to trick you into liking us," Mia said, as you fell back onto the couch beside her.

     "It's a deadly loop," you said, resting your head on her shoulder. "I get exhausted from the social interaction you force on me, and then I'm too exhausted to say no the next time."

     "And we get to enjoy your presence even more," Mia said, resting her head on top of your's.

     "Besides," Dami said, causing you and Mia to turn and look at her. "Namjoon's going to be here," she said, wiggling her eyebrows.

     You felt your face heat up as both her and Mia gave you knowing looks. "Stop that now, or I will throw myself into the television."

    "Dramatic," Mia said.

    "Effective," you replied.

    "Please," Dami said, pulling Hulu up. "We're going to watch Corpse Bride and it's going to be great."

    "Jackson's really going to think you're dropping hints," Mia said, to which you nodded your head in agreement.

    "Who says I'm not?" Dami said, never looking away from the television.

    "Oh, it's like that?" Mia said, looking at you with a smile. "I have never felt more single in my life."

    "They're so in love it makes me sick," you agreed, earning a small laugh from Dami.

    "Then be sick," she said, smiling in a way that let you know she was proud of herself.

    "I'm happy for you," Mia said, leaning back into the couch.

    "Agreed," you said, copying her movements.

    "You better be," Dami said, walking to the kitchen and opening up a pack of microwave popcorn. "You're my friends for Pete's sake."

    "Who's Pete? Is he single?" Mia said, laughing at her own joke.

    The movie itself was relatively uneventful. You felt at ease with Jackson's apartment, and no one said anything when Namjoon sat near you on the other couch. You were thankful for the space between the two of you and for Mia because it allowed you to remember how normal people were supposed to watch movies.

    Though you did find yourself watching Namjoon instead of the movie at times. You tried not to smile too widely when Namjoon mouthed along to the vow scene. You made a mental note to tell him that you had always thought people should say that at weddings instead of the traditional ones. When you had first seen the movie you were struck by how romantic they were. It was exactly how you wanted someone to love you.

    To light the way in the darkness of your life. To fill your cup and lift you up.

    You wondered if he felt the same way.

    When the movie finishes, Dami and Jackson announce that not only is the night not over, but everyone is required to get shit-faced together. You consider taking Mia up on her earlier offer and going to bed, but something about Namjoon pouring himself a beer has you accepting the glass of wine Dami hands you.

    Kings. That's what Jackson and Dami finally agree on playing.

    "We should all get to know each other better," Dami said, holding your gaze for long enough that you feel the heat return to your face.

    "You're just nosey," Mia replied, causing the room to echo with laughter as Dami nodded her head in agreement.

    Dami draws the first card and frowns as she reveals that she's pulled a 6. "Sorry ladies," she said as she toasted to you and Mia who took the first drinks of the night.

    Mia is the last person to touch the ground three cards later when Mark draws a 4.

    You actually find yourself having fun, which is a reminder of why you let yourself be bullied into these things. Dami and Mia usually have your best interest at heart.

    You feel your face heat up when Namjoon draws an ace meaning he's in the hot seat and everyone gets to ask him whatever they want. You like to think Dami and Mia wouldn't embarrass you, but you also know there's a chance they do.

   "When did you lose your virginity?" Dami asks, right out the gate, causing Mia to howl with laughter.

   "We apologize, Namjoon. We can't be held responsible for her," Mia said.

   Namjoon laughed lightly, nodding at Mia. "Sixteen," he replied.

   "Was it your last girlfriend?" Jackson asked, earning a nod of support from Dami.

   "He gets me," she said, resting her head on her boyfriend's shoulder. "We're here for the tea, goddamnit."

   "Cruel, but yes," he said, nodding.

   Everyone turned to look at you as it became your turn. You felt yourself go wide-eyed at their stares and you hesitantly turned towards Namjoon.

    "What's your favorite color?" you asked, earning a groan from Dami and Jackson.

    "Boring," Jackson said.

    "Too easy," Dami agreed, earning a high-five from her boyfriend.

    "I've been liking green lately," he said, smiling at you.

    "I'm not as nice," Mark said as he leaned forward for his turn. "Were you really going to marry your ex?"

    "You suck," Namjoon said, elbowing Mark.

    "You can drink instead," Mia offered.

    "No, it's okay," he said, shaking his head. "You know, you could just ask me that normally," he said to Mark.

    "Felt too personal before. Especially after what happened."

    "What happened?" Dami whispered loudly.

    Namjoon laughed sort of low and without humor. "Probably would have married her if she hadn't cheated on me, yeah."

    "Why would you bring that up?" Dami said, pointing a finger at Mark. "This is supposed to be fun sex questions not depressing trauma questions."

   Namjoon snorted. "Someone ask a fun sex question, quick."

   "What's the weirdest place you've had sex?" Mia said quickly.

   "My car," he said, smiling. "Not that weird but it's what I have to offer."    

   "Nice," Mia said, giving Namjoon a fist-bump.

   The game continues and just like the last time Mark brought it up, Namjoon seems far away. You hate her, you don't know her, but you hate her. Maybe for what she did, but definitely for the way she keeps stealing him from you without even being there. You wonder how it's possible to miss someone sitting right next to you, but you do. And when he finally returns as Mark breaks the seal on the can of beer in front of you, you can't help but smile.

    Namjoon seems pleased that his friend has to chug the cheap beer and you get it.

    Your friends decide to turn on the music and have a small party of their own as the alcohol buzzes through your veins. You're watching Mia dance on the coffee table when Namjoon gets up from the couch and heads down the hallway of your apartment. Mia only raises an eyebrow as you stand up as well, following him out of the living room. You find him stood between your bedroom door and the bathroom, leaning back against the wall and scrolling through his phone.

    "Are you okay?" you asked, as you approached him.

    He smiled as he looked up at you. "Yeah, totally."

    "Are you sure? You seemed far away earlier."

    "Yeah," he said, nodding his head. "Sometimes I have these thoughts that won't go away, you know? That kind of brought them back, but I'm okay, really."

    "So, you're in the hallway because you're totally fine?"

    "Yeah," he smiled. "Just wanted a moment of silence, or as close as I could get without literally leaving the apartment."

    "Okay," you said, nodding your head as you leaned against the wall with him.

    "Thanks for checking on me," he said, pausing for a moment. "It means a lot."

    "Of course," you said, looking up at him. "No offense, but I think Mark's a dick."

    "He is a dick, but he's also not," he laughed. "That doesn't make sense, but it also makes total sense if you know him."

    "I'll take your word for it."

    You stand there in silence, thoughts swirling around your head that feel more fluid and ready to spill out of you as the alcohol breaks down the walls in your brain.

    "Can I be a dick?" you asked, looking down at your hands.

    "Well, if you really put your mind to it," he laughed.

    "No, I mean," you shook your head, before looking back up at him. "Can I ask you a question that might be out of line?"

    "Sure," he said, giving you a small smile. "At least it isn't in front of a small group of friends who will now pity me for answering it."

    "No one pities you."

    "So why did you come check on me like a kicked puppy?" he asked. "I'm not mad, I just mean it kind of confirms you feel bad for me. Poor Namjoon his ex-girlfriend cheated on him and he loved her so much."

    "Do you still love her?"

    "Was that your out-of-line question?"

    "Yes."

    Namjoon nodded his head, as he looked away from you and up at the ceiling. "Do we ever stop loving people? I don't know, I think I'll always love her. That's what it's like to be alive I suppose."

    "I wouldn't know," you said, looking down at your feet.

    "It hurts like hell," he said, still looking at you, though you didn't move to meet his gaze. "I wish I could stop loving her, but I can't. Maybe that sounds horrible to you and like you never want to feel that way, but it's worth it. What it felt like to love her and to be loved back by her was worth this pain now."

    You nod your head as your friends cheer with glee from the living room. You know it shouldn't, but it hurts to hear him say that. You almost regret asking him if he still loved her, but you also find peace in at least knowing that she still holds a place in his heart.

    And as you ponder his words you think he's right, the hurt of knowing she holds a place in his heart while he holds one in your's, hurts like hell, but standing by him in the hallway, yet again being sucked into his gravity, is worth it.

     "You know," Namjoon said as the two of you left the library together after your shift. "Fall goes away too quickly."

     "Yeah?"

     "One moment the leaves are turning bright colors, and the next they're gone and everything's grey."

     "That's life," you said, kicking your feet among the leaves as you walk. "There's color and then grey, but one day there will be color again."

     "I wish it could always be color," he said, laughing a little. "But everything goes I guess."

    The two of you ride the bus together in comfortable silence. You've become to this routine, looking forward to the next time you get to listen to Namjoon theorize about the universe and then just sitting together in the comfort of each other's presence. It's almost enough. It's almost all you want from him. You try to forget the other things you want. The things that seem unrealistic with each passing day.

   You get off at your stop with a slight nod to him. This is always your least favorite part. The having to leave him. You've become so used to having him in your life, to having his light shine on you, that you spend the time a part hoping for when you'll see him again.

    As you walk to your apartment, you make a mental note of the next time you'll see him at work tomorrow. You wonder if that's what your life has become, moments with Namjoon and moments without. You almost start to pity yourself, the girl hopelessly in love with her friend, when you hear footsteps running towards you.

    As you turn around, you nearly jump as you realize Namjoon is running towards you. You can only gawk at him as you stop walking to let him catch up with you.

     "Are we color or grey?" he asked, panting a little as he stood before you.

     "What?" you asked looking at him with wide eyes.

     "You’re my color, am I yours?"

    And you think your heart might burst from your chest as the sound of it pounds in your ears. It takes you a moment to make sense of his words. To convince yourself it's not a dream, though it plays out like the ones you've had since meeting him.

     "Yes," you said in a small voice, almost as if you're afraid any louder and you'd break the moment.

     "Yes?" he repeated, a look of disbelief on his face. "Yes," he said again more certain this time, as he lightly grabbed both sides of your face and pulled you into a kiss. “Be gentle with me,” he breathed.

     “Always,” you assured him, pulling him in for another kiss.

     And as the leaves fell around the two of you, so could you feel yourself falling.

     "Cuffing season," Namjoon muses as he sits next to you on the couch, your legs thrown across his lap. You look up at him with a hum in response.

     "Dami captioned this photo of us, 'cuffing season,'" he elaborated, turning the phone towards you.

      You and Namjoon have been on a few dates and are 'practically official' as Dami says. Thought neither you nor Namjoon has said such a thing. You don't have an issue with lack of clarification. You're just happy to selfishly soak up all of the time you can with him. To hold his hand at the coffee shop instead of recoiling in fear like before.

    There's no need to rush things. Things feel slower in the Fall.

     "I've always hated that term," he continued. "I don't want you to feel cuffed to me. I want you to want to be with me."

    You think that you could never feel cuffed to him. That being with him is a dream you thought might never be realized.

     "I do," you assured him, setting your book down in your lap. "You know that right?"

     "Sometimes my brain does this fun thing," he said, laughing a little. "Where it convinces me nothing good could ever happen to me, so this must not be real."

    You don't have to ask. You know it's the same reason he looks far away sometimes.

    "It's real," you said, grabbing his hand in yours and caressing it lightly.

    He looked down at where your hands connected, sighing softly. "I'm falling for you," he said, his gaze serious. "Pun intended."

     "Falling Season would have been a better caption," you reply laughing as you move to kiss his cheek.

     "So you're falling for me too," he asked, smiling.

     "Helplessly," you responded, moving so that you straddled his lap.

     "Perfect," he said, before leaning in and kissing you.

     You and Namjoon seemingly cannot keep your hands off of each other, and the rate from which kissing Namjoon turns into the two of you groping each other and frantically ripping each other's clothes off is the proof of it.

    It happens like this every time, one kiss turns into you grinding your hips into his, turns into his hands gripping tightly at your ass, which turns to you pulling yourself as close to him as possible.

    You kiss him like you want to lose yourself in him, because you think you do. You think if it was possible for two bodies to literally become one, you would want to meld with him, but instead you settle for the figurative combination instead, throwing your head back in delight as he begins kissing down your neck, a smile on his lips as he presses a kiss to the space between your breasts.

    His hands find their way under the dress you're wearing, and in one movement they work your dress over your head, your arms leaving him only long enough to take it off.

    "Wait," Namjoon said, as your hands played with the hem of his shirt. "We're in your fucking living room," he laughed, his head falling against your chest. He places another kiss between your breasts, before lightly patting your ass to get up.

    "Room now," he said, as you stood up.

    "Sir, yes sir," you said, earning a serious look from him.

    "More of a daddy guy myself," he said as he followed you to your room.

    "No, you are not," you said, turning to him with wide eyes as he set the door behind him.

    "What's the matter, baby girl?" he said, smiling as he moved you towards the bed. "Tell daddy what's wrong?"

    "You're really into that?" you asked again, as he pushed your shoulder lightly so that you were sitting on the edge of your bed.

    "I'm really into that..." he said, looking at you expectantly.

    You stared back at him, confused until you realized what he was going for.

    "You're really into that, daddy?" you asked, causing him to smile widely.

    "You'll be the death of me," he said, leaning down to kiss you.

    "Daddy?" you said, finding it not as foreign on your lips as you had expected.

    He hummed in response, leaning in to kiss you again.

    "Don't you think I've been a good girl?" you asked, potentially as surprised with yourself as Namjoon looks at your question. "Don't you think I deserve a reward?" 

     "I should have known you'd use it against me," he laughed before kissing you on the forehead. "But you have been a good girl," he said. "The best girl."

    "Your best girl," you echoed, shameless, spreading your legs for him to stand between them.

    "My only girl," he said, looking you deep into your soul as if to answer the question that hung unanswered between the two of you.

    "A girl only has one daddy," you said, to which Namjoon shook his head.

    "Don't be heteronormative, _____."

    "Hey," you said, pushing him back as he tried to kiss you again. "I'm trying to do this for you, don't woke my daddy speak."

    "You're daddy speak?" he laughed.

    "It's your kink," you said, as he motioned for you to move further onto the bed. "If you really want to be woke about this, call me mommy," you said, settling against your head board.

    "Absolutely not," he said taking his shirt off. "Do you want me to call you mommy?" he said, raising an eyebrow.

    "No, I kind of hate it."

    "Do you hate calling me daddy?" he asked as he stepped out of his pants.

    "No," you said as he got on the bed and positioned himself above you. "I like that you like when I say it."

    "I like you," he said, kissing you again.

    "I like you too," you said as he kissed his way down your body.

    "You're good for me," he said, his fingers running under the band of your panties. "Good to me."

    "You're good for me too," you agreed, as he kissed your clit over your underwear. "Fuck, that's good for me too," you said.

    "Good girls don't curse," he said, looking up at you.

    "Namjoon," you said, earning a raised eyebrow. "Daddy," you corrected.

    "Yes?" he said, pulling your underwear off of you.

    "I can't be blamed for the way you make me feel."

    "I make you feel like cursing?" he chuckled.

    "Yes," you said, as he softly ran a finger up your slit. "So good, I have no choice but to curse."

    "Try harder," he said. "You're a good girl, right?"

    "Yes, daddy," you said, causing him to smile wickedly at you.

    "Good," he said, replacing his finger with his tongue as he began rewarding you.

    "You're playing dirty," you said, instead of the curses that wanted to fall from your mouth as he sucked at your clit.

    "Should I stop?" he asked, looking up at you and winking.

    "No, please don't stop," you said, running your fingers through his hair. "Daddy," you added once you realized he was waiting to hear that.

    "You can handle it," he smile, before licking your core again.

    As his tongue lapped circles at your clit, he pressed one finger inside of you, smiling up at you as a moan left your lips.

    By the time he added a second finger, you could feel your high approaching, the waves of you euphoria crashing over you as he once again sucked your clit into his mouth.

    "Best girl," he said, as he moved up your body and kissed you passionately.

    The two of you became a mess of limbs as your lips danced together and as Namjoon pulled away to put on a condom, you couldn't help but smile widely at him.

    "What?" he asked, laughing a little.

    "I really like you," you said, earning a kiss from him.

    "I already told you I'm falling for you, baby girl," he said pressing a kiss to your nose as well.

    "I like hearing you say it though."

    "Then I won't stop," he said, running his cock along your folds.

    "Daddy," you said, earning another wicked grin. "don't tease."

    "Whatever you say," he said, sinking into you with a low groan.

    "Fuck," you said, causing Namjoon to raise an eyebrow.

    "That won't do," he said, pulling out of you. "Hands and knees, now."

    "Yes, daddy," you said, quickly moving to your position.

    His large hands rubbed soothing circles into your ass, and before you could truly process what would happen, his right came down hard against you.

    "Fuck," you said, your back arching at the pleasure that came with the pain.

    "Again?" he asked, rubbing another circle of where he had just spanked you. "Maybe this one will get the message across?"

    This time as he slapped you, you held back the curse that wanted to fall from your lips, your pussy clenching as the pain seemed to travel straight to it.

    "That's better," he said, leaning down to kiss the afflicted area. "What do you think? Do you need one more?"

    "I'll be good, daddy," you said, your core aching to be filled by him.

    "I know you will, baby," he said, running his cock along your folds again.

    And as he sank into you, your hips move back to take him all in. You were greedy for him and you weren't ashamed of it. Everything about him made you feel good and you couldn't get enough.

    "You always feel so good," he said rocking into you. "Like your pussy was made for me."

    "It was," you agreed, a moan falling from your lips as well.

    "Always so good to me," he said, breathing heavily as he set a rough pace.

    Your words turned into moans as the two of you chased your highs. Namjoon's hand moved beneath you, to rub at your clit as he announced his own released was approaching.

    "Come on," he said, slapping at your ass again. "Be a good girl and cum for daddy."

    "Namjoon," you said, you face falling into your pillows as you felt the cord in your abdomen grow tighter. "Don't stop, please."

    "Anything for you," he said, pressing a kiss to your shoulder as he angled himself deeper into you.

    You moaned his name again as you felt yourself unravel, your head spinning as you came again, the two of you moaning loudly as he came moments later.

    He kissed every inch of your body near him as the two of you came down from your highs. And as the both of your fell deep into your bed, you found his gravity once again as he pulled you into him, the two of you lying on your sides facing each other.

    He seemed to glow as you watched him break into a wide smile.

    "I swear to God," you heard Mia yell moments later as the two of you just lie in the silence together. "Dami or _____, whichever one of you is stripping in the living room, if you fucked on this couch I will murder you."

   "Looks like I saved your life," Namjoon laughed as you buried your face in his neck out of embarrassment.

   As he pulled you into a kiss, the room seemed to fill with color, even as the world outside was cold and grey. You weren't naive enough to think it would always be this way, to think that you'd never have bad days with Namjoon. But you hoped there would be more color than grey.  That the winter of your relationship would always be the shortest. As he kissed you again and again you were crazy enough to hope for it forever.