#five4fifth

Confession Countdown - Nov 3rd

Confession Countdown - Nov 1st

Confession Countdown - Nov 2nd - and so it goes // billy joel

In every heart there is a room

A sanctuary safe and strong

To heal the wounds from lovers past

The inner monologue of Dean as he sits on the dungeon floor after the empty takes Cas. Read below or on ao3 (900 words)

I hate you, Cas. I hate you so fucking much. How could you do this to me? I can’t move. I don’t even know if I’m still breathing. What does it matter? I feel like my head’s about to explode and it’s all your fault, you selfish piece of shit. How long have I been sitting here? An hour? Two? I don’t know. I don’t care. The ground is so cold. I think I might be shivering; I’m definitely shaking. I can feel the damp seeping into my bones but what the hell difference does it make? Maybe I’ll die here too. Maybe I’ll do what you did and just fucking leave. Desert my family, leave my friends, abandon everyone who ever cared about me. Maybe I’ll make some stupid fucking deal and not tell anyone about it. Dammit! I could have helped you, Cas. I could have stopped this. We could have stopped this. Together. I keep hoping this is a nightmare, but if it is I can’t wake up. I’ve tried and I can’t. If it’s a nightmare, it’s endless. I’ve been sitting here for years, but you only left me minutes ago. I deserve this. I know I do. I’ve done so much wrong in my life. I deserve to have a glimpse of something great and then lose it in the same second. And I’m so angry at you. I’m angry in every cell of my body. I want to burn the world down. I want to murder everyone in it. I want to melt into the floor and never get up again. And it’s your fault, it’s all your fault. I hate you. I hate you. I hate you, Cas. Why are you making me hate you? Please, just come back. Please come back, I’m sorry. You didn’t give me enough time. Why is there never enough goddamn time? This is all my fault, everything’s my fault. Just come back and I’ll hate myself enough for the both of us. If you can hear me, come back. I’m not asking, I’m telling you. Come back right fucking now. Please, Cas. Please. I’ll do anything you want. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make things right. I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to make you happy. You never even gave me a chance to try. I swear I can be better, just please come back. I hate you so much for what you said, for turning it into a weapon. I hate you so much it’s burning me up. But I can’t hate you as much as I love you. Fuck, Cas, I love you. Of course I love you! Why didn’t you let me tell you? I wanted to tell you. You didn’t give me enough time! You were here and now you’re gone, and I don’t even have a body to burn this time. Shit. Cas, don’t make me do that again. Don’t make me grieve you. I can’t do it again, it almost killed me the last time. Shit. Did my silence make you leave? Would you have stayed if I’d just told you the truth? I’m such a fucking coward. If I told you that I’ve been in love with you for years, that I dream about you at night, that I miss you when you leave a room, that I thought that you didn’t feel the same way, that you couldn’t feel the same way - then would you still be here? Why didn’t I just tell you? I should have just said it. I wanted to. I tried, when we were in purgatory. You cut me off and I thought that was it, you didn’t want to hear it. Just please come back. I’m sorry, alright? For everything. I’ll do it right this time, because this can’t be it, not after everything we’ve been through. This can’t be the end of us. We deserve a chance. A life. We’ve given everything to the world, why does it get to take this too? There’s this screaming in my head now and it won’t stop. What am I supposed to do? I love you; I’m saying it out loud. I’m yelling it. If I shout it loud enough, will you come back? I’m sorry I couldn’t say it when it mattered, but I’ll say it now. I’ll say it every day. I love you, Cas. Please, just come back to me. Please don’t turn our love into a weapon. You can take it back if it means you’ll stay. You can take it back if it brings you home. It’ll carve me up inside, but I don’t care. It will be worth it to have you safe, to have you alive. This isn’t right. Loving me killed you, I know it did. I’m broken and dangerous and I hurt the people I love. I always have. Shit, what am I supposed to do now? My body’s here but I left the moment you did. I’m gone, and I can’t ever come back if you’re not here. Tell me there’s a way to get you back? I’ll do anything. Please just talk to me, tell me you can hear me. I have to get you back, Cas. I need to get you back. I swear I’ll get you back. I promise I will.

Please, Cas.

It's November 5th and Sam can't help but reflect on life as he goes for his morning run. Read below or on ao3 (1.3k)

Sam stretches in the weak morning light, rolling his shoulders and taking a deep breath before taking off on his daily run. His sneakers slap loudly against the sidewalk, breaking the silence of the early morning. He runs without music, preferring to think as he moves, to unravel the thoughts that build up in his head like dust as he sleeps. And he has plenty to think about these days. Good things, thankfully. Great things. Like Eileen asleep at the house, her hair fanned out across the pillow and her mouth hanging half open. Sam kissed her closed eyelids before he left and when she sighed contentedly in her sleep, it felt like his heart might burst right out of his chest.

He thinks about other things too. Simple things. Like the pancake mix he prepared before he left, or the simple pleasure of this crisp November morning as his sneakers pound against the pavement. Solid beneath his feet. Real. But most of all he thinks about his brother, and he thinks about his best friend Castiel, and he thinks about what they have now, and a smile settles on his face. He’s so proud of Dean, and he’s so happy for him, but most of all he’s relieved. He’s so relieved he feels like he could dance. Dean is happy, and he’s okay. For the first time in his life, he’s really, genuinely okay.